A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I been with my girlfriend for six months, everything is going so well, I'm involved with her family, we never fight and we are in committed relationship, I love her.Some problems have recently surfaced, she feels it is ok to hang out with guys, one on one, as friends even if they have previously dated because she says she doesn't see them like that anymore. She has only ever had relatively shallow and short dating relationships nothing serious. I dont, I could easily message a girl, as friends and hang out one on one, even previously people I have dated but do not feel the need to. She also tells me she would be fine with me doing it - which to be honest - annoys me abit. I need some help to handle this. The only exception to this is a long term ex i was with for 9 years - she wouldn't like that because she says she doesn't trust her Let me be clear, I'm not crazy possessive, I dont have any issues with messaging, talk and even hang out with male friends with me or in a group setting, even if they have had history, however I am finding it very difficult with the whole one on one, especially if they have history. I dont how ill deal with it if she tells me she is seeing someone like that.I also do not want to control her and influence her in anyway, she is her own person and can do as she pleases. I dont want to be a jealous controlling bf, however I dont like this, to the point where if she hung out with a ex partner one on one I would be tempted to end it and/or start seeing my exs... which is immature because I would doing it because she is.I just dont feel the need to see other girls, i dunno, can someone help me here, am i being old fashioned ? I just know from experience there is always sexual tension between male and female especially with any history regardless of who says what, which I have communicated to her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): Your girlfriend knows you like her more than she likes you. Not to say she doesn’t like or love you, but she knows you like her a little more than she likes you. She knows she can do what she wants and you will put up with it. Because of this she is pushing the boundaries all while showing you that other guys (these male friends) want her. Showing you that if you did leave her she would have ample guys to pick from. It’s all games if you ask me. I bet if you did start seeing exes 1-2-1 she would definitely have a problem with it. But she knows you won’t do that as you are so in love with her. All the while she gets to do what she wants. She sound really vain if you ask me. The only real ‘competition’ to her she sees is your ex of 9 years because you were with her a long time and obviously had deep feelings for her. If you were a player that treated her like crap and told her you didn’t want her seeing these ‘friends’ I bet she would cut them out of her life completely. She knows full well that these ‘friends’ still like her. She likes the attention from them and the fact that you hate it. She sounds immature and childish. Fair enough you can’t tell her what to do and who to be friends with. But the fact she has told you you cannot see your ex of 9 years but it ok for her to do the same thing. And the fact she isn’t willing to compromise or take your feelings into account - this girl is walking all over you. I would ditch her and find someone who understands your feelings. You obviously aren’t compatible and she won’t change. She values Male attention over her partners.
A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros  +, writes (8 October 2020):
For me it's a no-issue: just let them do whatever they want but... I demand honesty in return.If you feel attracted again to your old flame tell me: we'll either try to work out the issue or part on amicable terms. Note this may be a tough choice, especially when you know the ex in question was abusive, unfaithful or generally a gigantic pain in that special place but let's be honest here: do you really want to go through a few months of suspicion, doing things you ordinarily wouldn't do such as spying on her phone? or do you prefer a short sharp shock and be over it quickly? Who knows, perhaps you may be get over that brief infatuation together and strengthen your bond.Plaster saints only exist in churches: even the most outwardly happy relationships have their dark sides and their price to be paid, usually in blood. To think it's just a matter of swearing "commitment" and to behave like some caricature of a human being will only lead to troubles, and serious troubles, down the road.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 October 2020):
 I find it a bit cheeky that she says OH you can hang out with ANY females exes, it's totally fine... EXCEPT that one you dated a long time....
She only suggested YOU do the same because she KNOWS full well you weren't GOING to hang out with the exes. And the one of your exes she sees as a "potential threat" is the one you CAN'T hang out with... How about them apples?
While (in general) I don't think a GF/BF has a say in who their partner can be friends with, I also think a GF/BF has a "right" to have the expectations that their partner isn't running around hanging out with single guys or women that they HAVE had a sexual and/or emotional connection with.
I think people who hold on yo exes and becomes "friends" with them are using people. They want the ex to SEE them move on with someone else, they want them in their lives to boost themselves. VERY rarely is there a real friendship. Though it can happen. But when THAT happens you DO need to consider who your partner feels about it. IF they are NOT OK with it, I think you need to consider you partner's feeling and STOP hanging out one-on-one with an ex. Friends or not. Doesn't mean you can't still have them as friend, just not as the "bestie".
Have you met any of these exes?
If not, why not? If they are just her "friends".
I would tell her that you just don't want to run around in each other's past, like that. That you two are STILL establishing and building trust with each other. Maybe suggest you meet them, see what she says.
Also for a moment think about what it IS that you aren't happy about. Is it the fact that you think she COULD cheat due to "sexual tension"? Or because she has NOT had a serious relationship before so her boundaries are iffy?
I think it's something to talk about, but this HAS to be her choice to make. And IF she chooses "hanging out alone with them" then MAYBE she isn't the right girl for you, long term.
I think trying to CHANGE a partner to suit oneself is rarely a smart idea.
You can't be her SUN or universe for whom she needs to revolve around.
Does she have any female friends at all or just exes?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2020): Well, you've only been seeing each other for the past six months. That's not very long. You've committed to each other; and I assume your relationship is exclusive and official. Keeping in-mind, everyone is still evaluating each-other; and this is the stage where trust is being built.
Why is it so important that they should be alone together? Why are you expected to trust these guys, just because she claims she doesn't feel that way about them anymore? How will you gain their respect, while they feel they have free or random-access to your girlfriend...as if you are just another casual-acquaintance, or bystander? Personally, when exes are that important and privileged; I have no further interest. I don't do threesomes, and I don't compete for anyone's time or attention. That's just me! No, I'm not insecure...I'm drama-intolerant!
You're still at a point you're both reviewing or assessing those quirks or habits you can tolerate; or which personality-traits/idiosyncrasies may conflict with your tastes, values, and beliefs. Tit-for-tat is childish. It would be more mature to dump her, than play games to manipulate her. There is room for compromise here.
Maybe she doesn't realize she's still in a probationary-period; where you can still decide to back-out, if you don't feel comfortable and secure that she's taking the new relationship seriously. Tell her you'd prefer to be there, if she wants to go-out with her male-friends or exes. Maybe double-date. Otherwise, you don't care for it; until you get to know them. Don't come across like you're threatening her, or offering her an ultimatum. The ultimatum comes when she makes no effort to compromise or work things out. "If you insist, then this relationship can't go forward!"
She's getting a bit ahead of herself; by presuming your trust is automatic and a given. It has to be earned! It doesn't come like a cheap prize in a box of Crackerjacks!
It's really too soon to know how much you trust her. Testing your tolerance-levels while spending time alone with an ex doesn't seem very respectful to your feelings. Whether you're cool with it or not, her presumptiveness borders on disrespect. I think she should make sure you get to know her male-friends first. You have the right to object, but not to choose her friends; or dictate her comings and goings. Love is proven when she responds to your (reasonable) requests voluntarily or willingly. If they seem shady or of questionable character; they're a reflection of her taste in friends. If they're decent men, and acknowledge you in a respectful and friendly-way, give them a chance. That doesn't mean they get to be alone with her anytime they want to! She's your woman!
Hanging-out one-on-one with exes, while you've just started a new commitment, doesn't seem quite that committed. Trust is not freely given without some conditions; you're both still adjusting to being together as a couple. You're still in the midst of your bonding-process; and I would suggest that you hold-off on being too sappy and telling her how much you love her. Let her earn it! Let her prove it!
If you're generously pouring it on too quickly and too thickly; love gets taken for granted. Serve it in sweet doses; and turn it up, when the flow is returned in equal-supply.
It is unreasonable to think you can come-along and tell her who she can and cannot hangout with. You do have the right to tell her what makes you uncomfortable. If she respects your feelings, and takes your relationship seriously; she will compromise and make some reasonable adjustments. You didn't say she couldn't hangout, you told her how you feel about it; and expected her to show some sensitivity and respect for your feelings.
As for hanging-out together as a group, that's a great compromise. It allows others to familiarize themselves with you as a person; and her circle of friends get used to seeing you together as a couple. They have to be cognizant of your romantic-connection. Then you can cut her some slack.
This is the objective. The boundaries and borderlines of her platonic-friendships need to be definitive. Minimize unchaperoned-outings with the opposite-sexes; to avoid any misunderstandings. There should be an expectation of proper-behavior between all parties established, without the necessity of spoken-words. "This guy is now my boyfriend, we are exclusive and a committed-couple now; therefore, some things have to be changed or adjusted for the sake of our commitment to each-other." Hence, her male-friends will know their place, keep their proper distancing, touchy-feely behavior is no longer appropriate; and from here out, you can trust her to enforce those boundaries when you're not present. She is not your property, or to be treated as a possession. You do not have to piss on things around her to establish your territory.
If she feels one-on-one dates with exes and male-friends is competitive, absolutely necessary, or equally as important as being with her boyfriend. You can opt-out, and move on!
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