A
female
age
26-29,
*andalovee23
writes:Hello:Well, where do I start. I have been with my fiancé for 8 years, we have a 6 year old together. Since we were young I’ve always had problems with him always doing things behind my back, cheating, lying. Well our daughter got diagnosed with Leukemia in February so I’ve been really preoccupied with her. To top it off my little cousin got a rare form of eye cancer so I left for a quick trip to see her because they are taking her eye out. Well when I came back, he was asleep and I went through his phone, and sure enough some girl sent him her Instagram name and he added her. I confronted him the next day but he totally switched it up on me that he never looks through my phone so he doesn’t know what I do, and I told him NO! Don’t use that bs because if you wanted to you could get my phone at any time. Password is my daughters bday and she always has the phone. Well I just said you know what I’m done with this, I can’t stress about my daughters cancer and him still being shady. So I have decided that I want him to move out already. After 8 year I need to call it quits, I can’t be with a man I don’t trust. My question is, how do I explain to my daughter while she’s going through this? Am I being too generous giving him time to move out? I don’t want to make things more difficult while we are going through this process with my daughter. I am complete sure I do not want to continue this relationship. He is too sloppy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2020): Your daughter will be fine, she will have a wonderful mother who dotes on her and does her very best, her father is still her father, he still loves her and cares. He will make sure he spends quality time with her.
But leave him to sort that out, do not interfere or bad mouth him. No matter how much he deserves it.
A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros  +, writes (8 October 2020):
I think the only thing to do right now is to treat your daughter's illness: I don't know if this is the kind of leukemia that can be managed with watchful waiting but that should be not only your main preoccupation right now but her father's as well. You are doing what you can about your daughter, but what's he doing about her? Is he taking her to the hospital for her checkups/treatment, helping her study (if of school age), trying to cheer her up? If so I think you two can have a civilized talk about how to explain to your daughter the two of you won't be living around anymore but she will be able to see her father as much as she wants. But if he doesn't care about the girl and dumped you alone with her... that changes everything. Children may be naive but are far smarter than we adults give them credit for. Your daughter most likely already knows something's up: just tell her the truth, that daddy won't be around anymore because he was very mean to you and did something you cannot forgive him for. No need to go into the details but stress she bears absolutely no responsibility. The problems may start when/if she asks if daddy can see her again. That's a question better answered by somebody with legal experience in child access in your State, but just know unless he's been abusive to the child most likely you won't be able to deny him access. If he never shows up, that's no big deal but otherwise you need to find a modus vivendi, at least for those few hours every week or fortnight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2020): Code Warrior suggests that you inform your daughter together; on which I would agree. The trouble will be that you're both human; and suppressing your anger or minimizing the tension between you will be a great challenge. Take into account the child's level of understanding; but be careful not to sugarcoat things too much. This is a six year-old born in the 21st-century; and children in that age-group are fairly knowledgeable about breakups and divorces.
I think he should be the one to reassure her that he will always love and be available when she needs him. She will always be with you; but all the gentle and sweet words in the world will not comfort a child when one of their parents has to leave. That too you will find to be a challenge. You have to be straightforward, but gentle in offering your explanation. No mention of his cheating, or how hurt you are. These details are not to be expressed to a 6 year-old child. You explain that her father has to leave; while you both work-out your problems together. Why does he have to leave? That is because you and he are dealing with problems she can't understand. Not to worry, because she will see him; but the problems are so serious she may not see him as much as before for awhile. Things will get better.
There is no easy way you can tell a child you're breaking-up; because the absence of either parent will cause them grief. Too much protective-rhetoric will cause the child to worry; because she is going to have questions that her mind is too young to understand the answers to. What's even worse, is that she will have no say about it. She will not agree to your decision; so no matter how well you explain it, she will have to suffer the visible and emotional-reality of your separation. You two will be apart, when she is used to everyone being together. Children don't pickup on the concept of people not loving each-other anymore. If you have had past disagreements or arguments all along; she's a kid, but she's not stupid! She will figure it out. She doesn't have to carry any of the burden, that's your job. All she has to know is that you're not taking her father away from her. That you two don't have the same feelings that you had before the problem changed them.
Accept the reality that no matter how well you both explain things, she will be upset. The facts are above your head, let alone the mind of a child.
Just let her know, he will not be living with the two of you anymore; and when she is old enough to understand, you will explain it more. Right-now, everybody loves her; but daddy cannot live there because the problem is too serious. She has to be allowed to grieve, voice her objections, and express her feelings. She will naturally act-out; she has a right to. She didn't cause any of this. Then she has to behave herself; because it's a grown-up's decision, and she is the child. Counseling is always an option; if she takes it badly, or shows signs of depression. Kids are quite resilient. If you two don't show-out in-front of her; but emphasize that things are no-longer what they used to be, she will calm down.
You cannot protect her from the truth; but you can lower her fears, and make it clear she is not being abandoned by her father. It's not because of her at all. Reassure her that things are going to be worked-out; so she can see him as much as she wants to. It's just that he has to leave to make things right. When she is older, she will understand more about that.
She is old enough to know you're breaking-up; and she also knows you're angry with him. You cannot predict how he will behave, because his fears are that you will try to influence her to turn her feelings against him. He fears you'll have the opportunity to tell your side when he isn't present. You have to reassure him, that you will not poison his daughter against him.
Poisoning an innocent child through vindictiveness is evil and toxic. It will backfire; because the behavior will be learned, and used against you when she is old enough. In five more years she will surprise you, how well she can pickup and mimic your worse habits and traits. Spitefulness and payback may bring you some form of twisted-satisfaction; but I suggest that you appeal to your better conscience and judgement. He's still her father. You admitted he had a history of cheating and lying; yet you still decided to keep him, and got pregnant by him. You made this choice, and brought a child into it. Own it.
You will heal from this; though that might be a lengthy and painful process. She comes first, and it should be as drama-free for her as humanly possible; but the reality is that her father cannot stay. She will not like that! Daddies have special relationships with their little-girls. She will miss him, but this is how it must be. Children her age will likely act-out, pout, and even throw tantrums. If you both are civil around each other, avoid showing your animosity in her presence; but you must make it clear to her that things have to change. She will adapt.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (7 October 2020):
 I think you have done the right thing ending your eight year relationship with your partner.
There have been trust issue's from the early part of the relationship with him doing things behind your back, lying, cheating etc.
I think that trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed.
He broke your trust all those years ago, and although as years went by you gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping he would change, the trust barrier had already been broken.
So fast forward to the present day you find he is still being devious, and exchanging correspondence with other females. Ok i'm not going to condone going through a partners phone while they are asleep, or in the shower. But i think in this instance considering his track record was probably the right thing to do, as you have a plausible excuse to terminate the relationship.
Your daughter is only 6, she really does not need to know the intricacies of why your relationship with her Dad never worked out, or indeed why he has moved out. When she asks just keep your answers as child friendly and simplistic as possible. I'm assuming that when he moves out he will still be keeping up contact with her on alloted times.
Your main focus now is on your daughter, and you can give her 100% of your time. Ending the relationship with your partner was totally the right thing to do
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2020): Children adapt.
It's better for her to be in a more stable healthier environment than what you have with your partner. I'm sure she hears you fight and that she absorbs all the negativity.
Tell her that grown-ups sometimes grow apart and that it has nothing to do with the kids.
I would change my locks and leave his stuff outside. He'll find a bed to sleep in.
Get a lawyer, btw.
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