| A
male
,
*urtslikehell
writes: My Girlfriend and I broke up last night, and it hurts like hell. But yet it feels like a dark cloud is lifted off my shoulders. Let me explain… We’ve been dating for 8 months, and we have had some trying times. Let me start by saying that she is 15 years younger then I am. Her parents werent too thrilled with the idea, but they eventually grew warm to it. 2 months in to the relationship she had told me that she had Melanoma. And it was going on its 3rd stage. There are 4 stages to melanoma. It wasn’t looking good for her, but somehow the doctors found something to keep it at bay. She didn’t want to take her medication because it will make her gain weight, and make her a nervous wreck. Well we all talked her into taking it and the nervousness only lasted about 2 weeks—and she didn’t gain any weight. She told everyone that it was because of me that she felt she should start taking care of herself. I told her she should be doing it for herself, but I made her happy so we all said whatever works. She’s had this since she was 16 she’s now 24. There are some good days and some days she can’t move. So I would carry her around whenever she would stay over with me. I didn’t mind. Because I loved her, and still do. Time goes by, everything is going great, and one day she has bad pains in her stomach. I didn’t know what to think, we had found out that she had a miscarriage. We’ve talked about the future together, but not for like a year or so to start something like that. And I really didn’t think she wanted a baby. When that happened, she was never the same again. She really wanted to have this baby. Her sister had just gotten pregnant (that one was planned) and that made it even worse for her. When she went to the doctors they had told her that it was because of the pills she was taking. So that put her on this downward spiral. At first she was really close to me—and then she started pushing me away. I already have a son, and she would tell me that I didn’t care about the miscarriage because I have a son. I knew it was just emotion talking so I didn’t argue with her. Instead I told her that our time will come and everything will be ok. That was also the wrong thing to say. The last month of our relationship was a total mess. She stopped going to her Doctor, her legs were getting worse, she gone out with her friends and shocked me by going to a strip joint for her friend’s bachelorette party. And the pictures came up on the website. They weren’t very nice one picture of a stripper with a shot glass sticking out of his underwear and the girl has to take it out with her mouth. You can just imagine what that looks like. Well, I wasn’t very happy about that either, her ex-boyfriend calling her saying I love you didn’t make matters any better, She did tell him to leave her alone. Her friend that got married was trying to setup my g/f with some other guy while I was right there. My g/f didn’t like that either. She stock up for me.Then there was last night. And she told me how she was feeling. That strong feeling for me was gone. She loves me, cares about me, and misses me. But can’t be with me any longer because it’s not fair to me or her, which I happen to think it’s very true I said, you should be happy—that’s when she starts crying, doesn’t want to let me go---I’ve been a good boyfriend—she’ll never forget me—and she wants to be FRIENDS. But she really means it. She doesn’t want to take her medication, she feels like life has no meaning anymore, and it’s the baby thing—she wished that it never happened. She told me that she’s jealous of her sister being pregnant, jealous that I have a son, mad at herself for being sick and not being able to carry the baby. She told me that they did say that if she continues this way she will not survive. They’ve been telling her this for quite some time now. She says it’s ok, I’m not afraid anymore. Like she’s ready to let go.What is the right thing to do? Should I still be friends with her?, I need some help here. It’s painful, I miss her, but there is a sense of relief. I feel like a bad person. Why is that? I feel guilty. Why is that?Please help me.
View related questions:
broke up, her ex, I love you, jealous, stripper, the pill, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, juliagulia  +, writes (9 March 2006):
 Well, I am sorry that you are so confused. It sounds very confusing! She is probably feeling 10 different emotions herself right now and is haivng a hard time realizing what she wants and she is just projecting all of this onto you. I think you should tell her that you love her and want to be with her, but can't do it the way things are right now, with her being so confused about what she wants. I know it is hard, but I think it might be wise to step away and distance yourself from her a bit. You cannot make her want to live, she has to find that will on her own. I am sure that what she has been through at such a young age is really weighing heavy on her, but you have pretty much done all you can do. You could try telling her that you love her very much and want to be with her, but she has to be 100 % into the relationship and she has to take better care of herself because it hurts you to see her waste away and not take the necessary steps to overcome her illness. Maybe that will motivate her to find some strength. I hope so. Good luck.
A
male
reader, hurtslikehell +, writes (9 March 2006):
hurtslikehell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat do you make of this now? She broke up with me; she’s calling crying to my brother, and my friends- telling them to take care of me. And they all said the same thing. She gets hysterical crying and they fear for her safety. When I asked her why she's calling my friends she said it's because she cares about me and my state of mind. I told her I'm a big boy and I'll be fine. I also told her that she needs to speak to someone. Even if it is just a friend, and to tell them the truth about her miscarriage, because this is where all this stems from. She feels that she will never be woman enough to carry a baby. And that her situation with the melanoma will always prohibit from doing so. She can fix this, but nor I or anyone else can convince her to do so. She needs to do this on her own, stop feeling sorry for herself.She also e-mailed me a letter apologizing about the whole bachlorette party thing how it was “irresponsible, selfish, immature and downright stupid” that she “can’t stop talking to me because she misses me too much”, “she cant picture life without me but at the same time can’t picture it with me” the last thing is that she wants to thank me for all the love and care I’ve given her; I really have opened her eyes to a lot and made her realize that there are still good people out there in this UNFAIR, CRUEL WORLD. (Sound like she's done with life). And for that she’ll always love me. It ends with (I’m her Escape). Then she called me this morning to make sure I was up and getting ready to do to work. She's confusing me. I really can’t stop thinking about her. And I do miss her so much. I don’t know what it is that she wants? I wish she wasn't so damn obstinate. I do know if it wasn't for the miscarriage thing that we will still be together. and tht is a shame.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angelicc +, writes (8 March 2006):
 the situation is one of the worse ones to be in. i know you being with her brings you alot happiness and alot of pain. the fact that she's broke it off with you just shows how much she loves. she wishes to save from her illness. the fact you feel a little relieved isnt a terrible thing it's a hard situation to deal with so it's understandable you feel that. your not a bad person, the reason you feel guilty is because you have deep feeling for her and you dont wish to leave her. i know it'll be hard but i still think you should still be there for as a friend as she needs someone. thats all you can really do
...............................
A
female
reader, Angelicc +, writes (8 March 2006):
the situation is one of the worse ones to be in. i know you being with her brings you alot happiness and alot of pain. the fact that she's broke it off with you just shows how much she loves. she wishes to save from her illness. the fact you feel a little relieved isnt a terrible thing it's a hard situation to deal with so it's understandable you feel that. your not a bad person, the reason you feel guilty is because you have deep feeling for her and you dont wish to leave her. i know it'll be hard but i still think you should still be there for as a friend as she needs someone. thats all you can really do
...............................
A
female
reader, juliagulia +, writes (8 March 2006):
This situation sounds really painful for you. I think it is ok to feel a little relieved about the split because it certainly sounds stressful. It sounds like you have done all you can really do, but circumstances have happened that were far out of your control. I know the frustration of wanting to "fix" someone or to straighten out a situation, but it sounds like all you can do is try to be there for her as a friend. She is going through so much and I know you want to help, but you have to think of your own needs and your state of mind. From what she said to you, I would think that she really does care very much about you and genuinely wants to be friends with you. So, keep encouraging her to take her meds and whatever you can do, but try to spend some time alone doing things for yourself for a while so you can get some room to breathe. Best wishes to you!
...............................
|
