A
male
age
30-35,
*ambislaughter
writes:Alright, I've been with my girlfriend for1 year and 9 months now, and it's going great, but theres just one thing that bugs me naturally. She is currently away in a few different countries with a new male friend who she met at a meeting for the travel program she was on. I am very spiteful of this guy, and I don't even really know the guy. I know they talked on a regular basis befor she left, and now their doing a crapload of activities and stuff together (i.e. kayacking [sp?] alone and junk). He has a girlfriend too, but I still can't help but want to punch this guy in the throat wenever his name is mentioned.Also another thing that bothers me is that she has been with so many different guys before me and I've only been with 2 counting her. I don't know. Sorry to whine.I know this is a totally generic question and i'm ashamed of asking it but I really don;t know where to turn to, which sucks because i'm told to be naturally insightful and have alot of "street smarts". Any advice on how I can improve would be great. My girlfriend is clingy. naturaly. We love eachother to death but theres one thing I don't know what to do about.Every time I go to concerts, she seems to be all pissed off at me all the time if she can't go with me. It's usually just me and my best friend and his dad, and wenever she asks to got o the concerts and her mom says no, she gets pissed off and depressed, leaving me to feel like shit at the concert because i'll be thinking about her the whole time, nearly ruining my experience.Again, sorry for whining. Help? thanks alot.Apologies if this is too long or stupid or something.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2008):
 You know, I don't blame you at all for being jealous of this other guy who gets to hang out with your girlfriend and visit new countries and go do fun new things. I think your feelings are perfectly understandable. There's not a lot you can do about them, though, other than to think about how you want to handle them when they hit you (the feelings, I mean)
One thing you can do is to tell your girlfriend in a calm and loving way that while you are delighted that she gets to have this great adventure, you're feeling a bit put out by how much she mentions his name; but do this only if she is talking about him all the time. If she does bring his name up once in a while, then maybe you should let it slide a bit, BUT you should have a whole list of the fun activities and people YOU'RE hanging out with. You don't have to tell her about them, but you shouldn't be putting your life on hold because of her. If she brings him up, and you feel that flare of anger, try to change the subject. Sometimes talking about what's been interesting you right now can help take your mind off this.
As far as her past, there's not a whole lot you can do about that. If it bothers you too much, you might need to consider why it is that it does. Try to think it through.
The concert thing. Right, you know how I said your feelings were understandable about this guy? Well, her feelings of being left out are understandable too. The thing is, and this is KEY, is how you react to them. She is trying to make her feelings YOUR problem, and you can't fix this for her. This is between her and her parents. And you should not be expected to put your plans on hold because she gets pissed off and depressed. She's pissed off at her parents, really, and is acting depressed around you probably so that you'll give up your plans.
So if she does get upset the next time you get to go to something and she doesn't, and acts upset and depressed, put your arms around her, give her a comforting hug, and tell her that you understand how sad she must be that her parents don't let her go. Redirect her anger to where it's really aimed, at her parents. You could discuss how she might be able to convince her mom that she is mature enough to go to them. Maybe it's time to invite her parents too? Then go to the concert and enjoy it, because you've then done all you can do.
A mature relationship isn't clingy and suffocating and jealous and demanding without reason. So think about that a bit, and think about the difference between feelings and actions, and the way to handle it when someone is feeling badly and is trying to make it your fault somehow. And remember that you might be being a bit clingy too with regard to this guy!
Hope this helps a little, take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Has your girl ever given you a reason to doubt your trust with her??
you have to talk to her about the way that your are feeling. If something is bothering you, let her know. Don't be rude, be honest and upfront. If she is a good girl she will understand why you feel the way you do, and if you're worth it she'll make the effort to make sure you don't have a doubt in the world about her. Yes, if my girlfriend was in a foreign country with a close friend i would be worried about it too so don't think you're being stupid about it. Good luck and i hope everything works out for you.
i don't think it's fair for her to make you feel guilty about the concerts. The next time you are going and she cannot just tell her you feel that she is making you feel guilty for going. Again be nice about it (you don't want her to get mad at you about something like that). You can't help the way you feel.
Hope this helps, good luck.
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