A
female
age
36-40,
*hivya
writes:m really not sure bout what m doing..i broke up with my guy but it hurts so much..m makin a mess..not able to study or work r do anything..m so lost..wonder y things got so bad between us..not able to sleep..please help me get over him..loved him so much..more than anything else in this world but could not take it when he started treating me like shit n take me for granted tho he proposed to me 2 n half yrs back.. I feel I made de wrong choice n ruined my life..wil i evr get over him..i just wanna get him out of my mind as soon as possible..its been a week since i slept..cant believe that it actually happened
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): I broke up with somebody I had been with for 8 years who treated me worse than your guy. Telling him I was leaving him was incredibly difficult. I started to feel happier, or at least relieved to be free, when I was on my own. However, my emotions surprised me. First of all, I missed him terribly een thought I was afraid of him and glad to be rid of him. I issed him so much I was afraid he would talk me into going back with him even though that was the thing I feared the most. I realized I needed him like an addiction. I kept thinking about him, and wondering how he was coping, and whether he was okay, and whether he was missing me or forgot about me and met somebody else. I wondered whether I should try to talk to him some more and explain again why I had to leave him, so he could understand and accept it. I finally figured out that I had to treat it like an addiction and stay away from him and thoughts that lured me toward him, and try to get through one day at a time. I also had a difficult time directing my anger at him for all the horrible things he did to me. I guess it's a defense mechanism to keep your anger inside or blame something or someone else, or yourself instead of him, but after I left him, eventually all the anger came back. Then I had to live through getting angry at him for each past thing and then getting over it so I could move on. That hurt but at least it made it easier not to think about him or be tempted to talk to him. Probably another defense mechanism is that you forget the bad times and remember the good ones, and convince yourself things were better than you thought, when really they were worse.
I went to a support group, and I talked and talked and talked there and to all my friends and relatives who would listen. Sometimes I felt compelled to tell the same story mutiple times, or to tell it in a different way with some new significant detail that I had just comprehended. When everybody was tired of listening to me talk, I wrote and wrote and wrote in journals. Use a pen and a notebook instead of a computer; it's more physical. I especially wrote down all the bad things he did to me and how angry I was feeling about them. Then whenever I felt any temptation to go back to him or to miss the good times that we had, if there ever were any, I would reread the journals to remember just exactly how badly he did treat me. I thought I was done with the journals after the first year or two, and quit the support group after less than a year, when I stopped having bad dreams and acquired some new friends and hobbies. But seven years after I left the guy and had no contact with him, he called me out of the blue when he wasn't supposed to know where to find me. I got really scared and upset and had some flashbacks. So I wrote in my dusty old journals again, and reread them some. So don't throw them away, after you write in them.
I am a vastly happier and stronger person today than I was several years ago when I left him. It will hurt and take a while to get better, but it WILL get better, and it is easier if he treated you badly and if you were the one to initiate the breakup. If you love the guy and he treats you really great all the time, and then he breaks up with you, it is more painful. In your case it sounds like you are better off without him, though you probably don't feel like it right now.
Try doing new things that you have not done before, or volunteering somewhere to help with little kids or at a homeless shelter or an animal shelter, or adopt a pet. Doing something for someone else makes you feel good about yourself and puts your own problems in perspective, if the people you are helping have worse ones. A warm, fuzzy animal will just love you and welcome you without complications. Being responsible for something or someone will give you a reason to get out of the bed in the morning if you start to get depressed. Trying a completely new skill or hobby will challenge your mind and give you something else to think about instead of him and the past.
Hang in there. It WILL get better.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (28 July 2008):
We all know it hurts, I think we've all been there. You'll get over him eventually. Usually around 3-4 weeks is when you start to feel better. The first couple are always the hardest. But it is SO GOOD that you realized that you didn't deserve to be treated like shit and you ended the realtionship. When he comes to mind just focus on why the relationship ended--remember how it felt when he was treating you poorly. It's easy to try to focus on when things were good and when he made you feel great. But there was a reason why you ended it, so focus on why it was. Somtimes it's easier if you can write down all the things he did that made you feel bad, write down what it was and how it made you feel.
Also surround yourself with friends, family, and other activities. I know that trying to preoccupy yourself, you still end up thinking about him, but keeping yourself busy definitely helps a lot. So if you can't study or read, go outside, go shopping, go to a park. Just not being at home can help a lot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): It can only get better from here. You obviously broke up with him for a reason, and that's because when times are bad they are really bad. You'll never forget the good times but you'll get over it. Just stay positive and everything will work itself out. Just keep talking with friends, family, whoever you need to.People are there for you and they help tremendously!! (Trust me i know)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): As the other aunts have mentioned, time heals all wounds..I would like to add that you should be staying busy, if your mind is busy with other things, it isn't free to peign away for him.
I'm sorry you are hurting so badly.
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A
female
reader, yesohyesitsjess +, writes (28 July 2008):
I'm sure it is hard but in time if you want the hurt to stop it will you have to believe it. I was in the same spot you are in now but my pain went away and I moved on. Wish you all the luck.
Jess
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 I wish there was a magic cure but there isnt. You have to go through the grieving process and it hurts like hell. There will come a time when you realise that it doesnt hurt as much and one day you will wake up and not remember he has hurt you for hours or days.
Just keep telling yourself it was for the best, scream and shout and stamp your feet if it helps. It will get better I promise but I cant tell you when x
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