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male
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anonymous
writes: “My girlfriend is going away to grad school and neither of us wants to let go.”The day my girlfriend got accepted to grad school, our relationship was dealt a crushing blow. In the beginning, neither of us knew that this amazing opportunity would fall into her lap, but it did, and now our future together is understandably uncertain. The thing is that she means the world to me and I can’t convince myself anymore that we aren’t meant to be. I love her, and I don’t think that I could stand losing her. But things really aren’t so black and white. It really isn’t a simple question of should I stay or should I go. At least I don’t think it is. The fact is, that I’m 24 years old, and pretty well adjusted, whereas my girlfriend is facing so many unknowns. For the past three months she has been on a rocky road, and it’s all I can do to hang on. She says that she doesn’t want to hurt me, but the pain of her leaving has already come and gone. Now the only thing that hurts are her constant attempts to push me away to avoid undeniably worse pain in the future when she has to go. I know that she still loves me, and I can take comfort in the fact that this is a shitty situation for both of us and a problem that we’re facing together. She’s not leaving for another 10 months and all I want to do is live in the moment and enjoy the time we have left together, taking it one day at a time, and seeing what the future holds for us, but I’m not sure if that is a healthy plan for either one of us. I want what’s best for her and all I want to do is let her grow. I can’t stand the thought that I might be the one thing standing in the way of her dreams. Heartbroken and searching for answers, I need your help. What should we do?
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reader, cmario00  +, writes (9 March 2010):
There's no reason to break up ahead of time.
There's two scenarios to consider however: Even though she loves you she may or may not be satisfied.
(1) As long as you're both able to address the anticipated separation maturely your relationship should continue to grow, *if she's satisfied and the relationship is strong to begin with*. As you said, you should both live in the day because the future is uncertain. However if this is the case even graduate school would not separate you.
(2) Whether she loves you or not, if she isn't satisfied there's little you can do to change her growing interest in building a new life other than focusing on your own.
But things never play out the way you expect. There's so many factors in play that the best someone can do is be very relaxed and levelheaded and let things play out without reacting emotionally.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I'm in the same situation as you buddy. My GF of 9 months is moving away to go to college in Cali, I live in IL. I made the hardest decision of my life and decided to stay with her because she means so much to me. Its the hardest thing to do as I think about it everyday of her moving to Cali but I know that I'm doing the right thing in staying with her as she is something else. If you have that gut feeling inside of you that she is something special, unique, one of a kind that you may never find again then hold on to her. Let me tell you this staying together knowing that it will possibly end is the hardest thing in the world and is only for the mentally toughest of them out there. If you think your up for it go ahead and enjoy your days with her. If it will be on your mind to much and get in the way of your relationship then its not worth it and its time to move on. I wish you the best of luck as I'm going through the same thing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2006): It's definitely a tough situation, but you need to make sure you've got all the facts, too. Undoubtedly you can't go forward unless both of you are definitely in love. Are you both still together, or are you apart at the moment? All of the variables inevitably come into play. She may need to find her own way off at grad school and take advantage of that great opportunity. I think the only thing you can do is give her space to do her own thing especially because this is such a big decision and a huge opportunity for her. The issue unfortunately becomes that if you get in the way of her going off to grad school, she could resent you down the line if she passes up the opportunity. Love certainly is important, but if she has a lot of life goals, you need to unfortunately let her achieve those first. You wouldn't want to be the reason she gave up her dreams. And I think for you, it would be more rewarding to have someone, whether it be her or someone else, have you in her life as something that adds positively and doesn't take the position of something else important in her life.I think for now, unfortunately, your best bet is to step back, do your own thing, and see how time pans out. As the old saying goes, "If it's meant to be, it'll be." It's corny, but it's unfortunately the truth. Just getting there is difficult. Good luck with everything - I certainly don't envy your position, but I've been there. I understand your love for her, and it's hard to let go, but I think you may need to just step back and let her do what she wants. If it's meant to come back together later on, then it will. The more you push her and try to persuade her or try to stay really involved in her life, the more she'll resent you. Good luck with everything...
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 I had a similar issue with a close friend of mine who is going to move to a different city soon to take on a new job. I had over ten months of advance notice before she was to leave. Back then we were just starting our friendship. We had a very strong connection, one I hadn't had with someone new since I have lived in this town.
As the months went on my behaviour started to get really weird because I was afraid that once she left our friendship was over. But about three months ago we had a pivotal set of conversations that allayed my fears about the future. Bottom line - I'm the one with the separation anxiety, but if we truly are kindred spirits, then we will be friends for life regardless of the extent of our geographical separation. I need only look at other relationships that I carry on with close friends scattered around the world.
Ironically, my friend is facing the prospect of a long-distance romantic relationship just as you are, and her man is acting weird in response to the impending change. He has to decide what he wants to be when he grows up. She knows exactly what she wants to do and where she needs to go to do it. Now it's up to her man to make a choice based on the scenarios that Bev listed. I daresay that although she is seven years younger than her man, she displays a level of maturity and clarity of purpose that he does not appear to display.
In your situation, it seems that both of you are having separation issues. It appears that she is set on moving away to go to grad school. Both of you need to have a set of conversations that get to heart of the matter - do you both want to put in the effort to maintain this relationship? Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 I never understand why some couples will consider breaking up in _anticipation,_ of a problem, hoping to avoid having the break up later.
If her going away to grad school is going to be the death knell for your relationship when it happens ten months from now, then I can't see any value for either of you in ending -- today -- something you both value.
After all, neither of you predicted that this opportunity for her would come; can you be 100% sure that nothing else will change in the intervening months? Why act on a possible future that could change?
You have 10 months before her departure, and you both seem to believe that that "That's All Folks" when it happens (more on this in a moment). So now would be a good time for you both to reflect on what you have, what you envision for the future and whether this is the end, or just a transition. I suggest that you and she talk about what your lives would be like under various alternatives, such as:
A: She opts not to go to grad school
B: She goes, and you try to maintain a relationship by distance
C: The two of you break up now to avoid breaking up later
D: You go with her to her area, and tread water while she finishes grad school.
The last option doesn't seem to be one that you've mentioned in your letter. Is there any compelling reason why you couldn't both go, for the duration of her studies? Maybe you could get a leave of abscence, or a transfer in your work? Or perhaps your own skills are transportable to the new area?
The upshot of my advice, then, is consider all your options. As you've noted, this isn't a black-and-white, Yes/No answer. Even if you try something, and it doesn't work out, there are other possibilities. That's the essence of a long-term relationship anyway: flexibility.
Good luck.
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