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My girlfriend is always sad and I can't seem to make her happy!

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 21 August 2009)
A male Canada age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I've been dating my girlfriend for just over 2 years now and I am really happy with her but it seems thats my girlfriend is always sad or depressed about one thing or another.

She's expressed the desire to be married a bunch of times and we've talked/fought about it numerous times. Basically it came down to me saything that I don't think we are ready. This happened fairly early on in our relationship and as time went on more of her friends got engaged which only seemed to make things worse. Its become a touchy subject and I can't see myself being married or forced into marriage just because everyone is doing it, it would be dishonest to myself. I have thought about marrying her but now I see myself confused and want this confusion to go away before I feel like we can have a serious change at a solid marriage.

All along our relationship pretty much up till this july she was finishing her university degree. So naturally I've dealth with all the exam stress and all the other meaningless fights that go along with that but I have tried to remained supportive and open for communication. The main problem is that before she graduated she was sad, depressed, upset that she never got into medschool and that she wasnt happy with just finishing school. Now that she has finished her degree and failed to get into some additional courses at school and comparing herself to her classmates she feels even more depressed, dissapointed and sad. It's like a never ending cycle, I keep telling her to be proud of what shes accomplished, keep finding new goals, that its not a competition, that shes only just started her career, that shes to young to feel so helpless but theres nothing I can do.

So a bit about me to put things in perspective, im not from her city and moved her for work which im passionate and happy with. I never really intended to stay here for ever and dont really plan even with her. I've taken all oppertunities to meet her family and I am well liked with her friends and family and have become a part of her family. I understand that I am not perfect and I listen to all she says and try and be a positive and offer solutions to her problems. Since I am from a different city we have gotten into a few arguments about visiting and our future.

We have both hurt each other pretty bad in the past but and reach a few boiling points. We almost broke up not to long ago. I told her that I wasn't happy that I felt like we were always fighting and that we were making each other miserable. I also told her that she was constantly being negative about her situation and felt that I couldnt make her happy. We'll we didnt break up and now all of this has come back to me.

Since then she has brought up that I broke up with her on numerous occasions and is kind of sad/upset that i said she was negative.

I find myself in endless loop of her telling me she is said about marriage,work,homelife,schooling, and friends. I don't know what to say anymore and she has always been reluctant to tell me her feelings because she says i rip them apart and make her analyze them(which is confusing to me).

I tell her I want to be better for her and I want to change but she again is reluctant to tell me when i faulter and says i should know and that its my issue.

I hold it inside me so much that it turns to rage because i feel so powerless to solve this situation and anything I do is pointless. this happens about twice a month we have some kind of argument then we are okay for about 2weeks and then it repeats.

I dont know if im being a huge asshole or not. Help me understand what is going on here I beg you!

This is probably really broken and I apologize if it makes little to no sense but any opinions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

View related questions: broke up, depressed, engaged, university

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009):

hey buddy, from your point of view it seems that she is just a generally sad person. The worst thing ive ever done in a relationship is "almost break up". The issue came back and i was in the situation you are now, but on different terms. I would consider moving on. Eventually you may be caught in the same depressed mood she is man.

I wish you the best of luck.

- Chris

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I have suggested she seek help about her issues but she says she doesn't need to. She unfortunatly hasn't had many supportive people in her life which is probably the root cause of all of this. I am trying to be strong for her but feel it has become overwhelming.

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A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2009):

Boonridge McPhalify agony auntsounds to me like your girlfriend is depressed and has made no attempt to look into it. if she only ever puts negative information your way how are you meant to be happy? the point is that when you try to look objectively at things she doesn't want to try to remove the self tormenting feelings from the random statements about everything that are clearly the cause of the problem. i've been depressed and if you dont tackle it it drags you down then others, then no-one wants to know.

tell her to see a counsellor as she needs someone to talk to, not just you as you are not able to hold all her stress for her...

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