A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is delusion and denial the only answer?Let me start by saying that I wouldn't consider myself remarkably good-looking, I have no confidence, and the women I'm interested in don't ever seem to be interested in me (probably because they're above my league).I have this obsession that people ultimately prefer the better-looking person and that they secretly covet the better-looking prospect but haven't had the chance to be with him or her.And because there will always be better-looking guys, stronger guys, more successful guys, how could I ever be the guy who a woman would choose over these prospects?I have a LOT to learn but I'm afraid the only way to accept it is to delude my mind with denial and choose not to notice the fact that every woman I will ever be with in the future will secretly want to have sex with the better-looking men in her life and would prefer to go to bed with them instead of me if she REALLY could have the choice. Therefore, wouldn't it make our whole relationship a sham? How could I EVER know?How do I deal with the fact that she is going to be attracted to other men more than me? If I was extremely good-looking or had money or a unique job to counter it, it would be okay. But I have nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you. You both made intelligent and thoughtful responses and it's helped me analyze the situation with a degree of positivity. Although, naturally, I'm not completely cured of my pessimism, but with more experience I shall hopefully see the lighter side of the subject.
But simply saying thanks does not do enough to display my gratitude. But I assure you, I am grateful. I've always said kindness between strangers is a great thing and what is more important is that you answered neutrally, with genuine insight, rather than submitting something contrived or cruel.
Cheers.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 August 2009):
 Well think about it the other way round - the woman that you are with may feel the exact same way, so she will be constantly worried that you will want to be with a more attractive, more successful, younger and slimmer woman!
Everyone has insecurities, both men and women. So whatever you feel your partner is likely to have similar worries. And if your partner ever voiced those worries, you would think she is being silly because there is no way you would ever think like that about another woman!
Now I am female, I am 22 and I would say I am pretty average looking although I do seem to attract a reasonable amount of attention from men (I always put that down to the fact I have a rather large chest!). And while I do often look at the more attractive guys, I wouldnt necessarily want to date them. I have dated very good looking men in the past and guess what - they are all very stupid! I want a man who is intelligent, who makes me laugh, who I can have a conversation with, someone who challenges me mentally. Not some pretty boy who can only talk about football and what he did on his last night out with his mates! So I always go for the guys who are not great looking - sometimes I do get funny looks from people on the street when they see me with some of the guys I date because (I'm assuming here!) they are thinking "what are they doing together". But I dont care - looks are not massively important to me. Yes there has to be a physical attraction and for me the sex has to be good, but good looks dont equal great sex! The best looking guy I've ever been with was one of the worst in bed actually, he was just useless! I guess the good looking guys dont have to try so hard so they have no idea what they are doing in the bedroom!
When you meet a woman and fall in love, and she feels the same way; then you wont have to worry about this. She will want to be with you because she loves you, and she wont be able to even think about being with anyone else. This is often a woman's biggest problem in a relationship - women once they are in a relationship rarely look at other men because when they are in love, all they see is the man they love and no-one else compares. Whereas men ogle other woman no matter how much they love their partner, and this often causes major stress for a woman with the good old argument of "How come you look at other women when you have me? I never look at other men, because I dont need to when I have you".
It sounds to me like you over-think a lot of things, and you are possibly not the most experienced person when it comes to relationships? It seems like you have a lot to learn about women and when you are actually in a loving committed relationship you will see that all these worries you have are just not true. Love is blind as they say - and I think that saying means that once you are in love, all you see is that other person and how wonderful they are. Pretty faces come and go but love is special and anyone that finds it will hold on to it with both hands.
I am sure that you have a lot to offer a woman, regardless of how you look or how much money you have. Think about the good things that you can offer - you sound like you would be very loving and caring, thoughtful....I'm sure if you really think about it you will find you are a great catch! Stop being so hard on yourself, you will find a great girl one day as long as you are confident and believe you have a lot to offer. Everyone has their insecurities, its just some are better at hiding them than others. Push yours to one side and focus on the good things in your life, you will soon find that once you feel better about yourself you will be more attractive to women. There is nothing more attractive than confidence and someone who is at ease with themselves, so try working on that and the women will come in time!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (11 August 2009):
There's no denying that physical attraction plays an important role early on in a relationship. But what makes someone physically attractive? Every one asked would give a different answer to that.
It doesn't matter if you are tall, short, dark haired, bald, fat, thin or any other characteristic. There will be people out there looking for someone that looks just like you!
As a relationship develops the physical aspect of the attraction is replaced by an attraction more to who the person is. Many relationships fail at this stage as the realisation dawns that no matter how attractive their partner is, they just don't get on that well with them.
In other words, we don't fall in love with an image. We fall in love with a person and their personality. And when we love someone, we accept they are who and what they are - both the good and bad points.
The real issue here isn't your (or other peoples) looks because the scenario you describe does not happen. You say yourself that you lack confidence and this is what you should be addressing. Apart from anything else, a lack of confidence is rather unattractive!
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