A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I been in a relationship for two years and I'm really struggling. We never used to have problems until now I'm getting fed up because of decisions she's made. She had teeth pain over a year ago, I took her to dentist, she missed the next appointment. We lived together for half a year, and she was plagued with issues. She doesn't seem to progress in life. Anyway I looked after her and enjoyed caring for her because I love her and she does the same. Things have changed and I live 1 hour away now be cause of job.Last week, she was coughing so much she couldn't breath. Her family are all useless, they act like they care but they all lazy. I felt so sorry, I got in my car and drove down 80 miles (1hour) and took her to hospital. Got medication, took her home and cuddled her until she felt better. Next day I left as I had work but she was very happy and better.Next few daysI give her a call, she spend half hour telling me how much jaw pain she has. She slept very little. I asked her why she didn't do nothing since she had same pain from last year when we lived together. And she jus says she can't afford it. I offer money and she goes mental.I help her get a better paid job and she acts negative. I'm getting so fed up. I hate problems, I usually try to solve them even if it means I have to give up my own life for few days. She won't accept breakup but I can't have a relationship with someone who has a new health problem every week and does nothing. Do I have to wait 1 year for her to raise a few pennies?Your thoughts?
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 January 2015):
She is a girlfriend, not your wife. Ask yourself if this is the kind of wife you would want.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 January 2015):
 I think she hasn't (mentally) left her childhood behind. She is still assuming SOMEONE will take CARE of her. And that attitude won't change, unless she is "forced" to take care of herself (that means being single) and even then, she might not "evolve" into an independent woman.
Taking care of, and caring FOR a partner I think is a given in a relationship, but when it goes being that into a "caretaker-role" much like a PARENT, not a partner, I think people start to feel less loved. They are "needed" not for them, but for what they can "give".
You are male. Problem solving is part of your genetic make-up. So when you see a "problem" you try and fix it ASAP. You might think if A happens then we just do B and C and it's FIXED!! Not all women thinks that way. To me it seems like your GF avoids responsibility whenever she can. Her jaw hurt, HER solution is to whine and otherwise ignore it. There are dentist who will do payment plans. She COULD save up for the dentist visit. When you then suggest that YOU will pay, she can no longer ignore it. She is faced with no excuse. And I think that is why she gets mad. YOU trying to tell her what to do. Even if it MAKES total sense.
You write, she won't accept a break up. Well, that is not how it works. IF you are so unhappy, it is YOUR right to end it. Just like if SHE was unhappy it would be her right to end it too.
I think you feel like you OWE her to stick it out. Partly because you love her and partly because you think she will change. She might, she might not.
If you ARE in the 18-21 age group, you have SO many years ahead of you. Why settle for a partner that make you life this hard, this soon?
You CAN talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Explain how helpless you feel when she ignores her health issues and other responsibilities. She might take it to heart, she might try and grow, she might not.
But really what do you have to lose?
However in all earnest, I do NOT think you should wait around for a whole year hoping she can save up for XYZ. I'd talk to her first and see what comes of it. If nothing changes, I'd move on. Whether she likes it or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2015): Unfortunatelly all you can do is to let her be. My husband is like that. He can complain and complain for months about his shoulder pain and other issues but never makes an appointment. Not only I make doctors appointments for him I also have to be on guard to remind him otherwise he will forget. It's not only health related issues it's others too. People like this always talk and say they will do something and then never do. They can talk aout going places, doing hobbies and never ever get to them. My husband talks about jkayaking for 5 years and never bought any. And then they will blame others and circumstances why it never happened. I can tell you from my experience that to live with someone like this is exausting. You will need to always be on your guards, always. So it's your desicion.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (11 January 2015):
Sorry but she is really just being immature and childish. You should probably just let her be and tell her that she needs to start doing something about her issues instead of just avoiding them.
Now, when a girl cribs to you, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants support. Sometimes, they just need to crib.
But, if all she does is complain, then she has got a problem and you need to explain to her that she needs to buck up in life.
As for waiting, its totally up to you. Though i must say, if she is trying to improve her situation and wants to do so independently, you should actually support her. Unfortunately there are many girls who would love to depend on their bfs and take advantage of their relationships. As there are boys.
I know it feels terrible to feel helpless, but you must respect her independence, if that's the case
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