A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I want to know how to deal with my girlfriend when she overreacts to the little things I say or do. Usually she's in a good mood but every now and then, she gets pretty irritable and is bothered by the most trivial of things, and when this happens, she gets my attention. I message her a lot so that we can resolve things and I plead with her to talk to me and basically let her know that I’m upset that she's upset herself. I’m beginning to think that she gets upset at every little thing just because she knows how I will react.Do you have any tips on how to act "smooth” and basically handle it "like a boss" when she gets upset over something?? I’d like advice on how to get her to give ME attention when this happens and have her want to talk to me. I want her to start thinking twice about getting upset w/ me if she knows I won't give her much attention after she gets mad over something so minor. Also, she lives in another town nearby so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like so usually, I can't be w/ her when she gets upset... so to sum things up, I just want to start handling these situations like a "pro". ANY ADVICE?? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): You need to stop jumping to her and giving her all your attention the minute she gets upset over trivial things.Basically, she gets upset over little things because she's immature, selfish, insecure, entitled, spoiled, or all of the above.Then when she acts out at you and gets mad you put the rest of your life on hold to tend to her? You are strengthening her belief that the world should revolve around her so she will continue being just like this.You should ignore her when she gets upset over trivial things. If you feel that you made a mistake and you really did do something wrong, then apologize and then it's up to her to move on and if she doesn't then just ignore her since you already did your obligation of apologizing. If you feel you didn't do anything wrong but she's upset anyway, then ignore her. if you didn't do anything wrong, then it's not your job to make her stop being upset, it's her job. wait until she is calmer (even if it takes days) then talk to her and tell her that you don't think you did anything wrong and have nothing to apologize for. tell her you will not talk to her when she is still in this upset mood, that only when she is not upset any longer then you will start talking to her again. And you do not have to "be with her every time she is upset". If she was a toddler then yes. But she is not 3 years old anymore. An adult should learn how to calm themselves down and self-soothe and not require their partner to rush over and be in the same room soothing them. When you keep trying to do this, you are encouraging her to stay "infantile" and never grow up.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 March 2013):
Cerberus is right about this - NEVER reinforce bad behavior. My brother has taken this concept perhaps to the extreme - eg once his gf started harassing him bc he didnt call her for a single 24 hour period. His response - he hung up on her and didnt call her for a week. The result? She never complained about that again.
In the end though, people are who they are. I hate to say this, but I couldnt help but to see an American flag next to your name. Through my 20s, I dealt with a lot of the BS/drama you are talking about because I exclusively dated American women. In my 30s, I discovered women from South America, and somehow all of this drama/BS ("complicated" as my Colombian fiancee calls it) went away. I just dont have the time or the effort to deal with a woman/person who is selfish and can find drama at a funeral. Once I moved to ladies raised closer to the Southern Hemisphere, most of these issues magically disappeared.
Proceed accordingly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): OP, how do you get a kid to stop throwing tantrums because you won't buy it candy? Simple, you stop rewarding that behaviour by reacting to it.
Now the problem with people like your girlfriend is that if you don't react in some way they'll accuse you of not caring so it's catch 22. So she'll then make it an argument about how you don't care about the things she cares about etc. it's a never ending cycle.
I would think it may be an issue of incompatibility too to be honest if it wasn't for the fact you said usually she's in a good mood. Well OP after years of dealing with otherwise mentally stable women who turn into emotional messes for one week out of every month I have to say the best way of dealing with it is to let it flow past you, but also pretend to care too to prevent further conflict.
The trick is to not give a crap mentally about those menial things, I mean you really can't force yourself to anyway but also make it seem like you do, but not so much if you know what I mean.
Try not to dismiss her feelings when she's like this as being trivial, just listen to what she has to say and "be on her side". Do not let it upset you or take it in any way seriously at all. Usually when women get like that they just want to vent, they just want someone to throw all their frustrations and anger out on and it's not being a wuss or pussy to let them do that.
We all have our moments of emotional distress when everything seems to be going wrong and we irrationally make big deals out of nothing. You say it's every now and again OP, that doesn't sound like a character flaw or anything just sounds like she gets in moods sometimes. Don't let that kind of bother you in the slightest, be supportive in terms of letting her vent, pretending you understand her point and just reassure that things will be okay. Even if it's as stupid as her ipod isn't fully charged and she couldn't listen to music on the bus and her day was destroyed by that. Take the position of consoling her without babying her or feeding it too much. "Oh that sucks, I bet there was someone talking on their phone too right, and you were forced to listen?" "Yeah I hate when that happens, especially in the middle of a song." "Meh, there's nothing worse than when that happens, here check out this cute vid I found, a puppy playing with a kitten it's awesome."
You know what I mean? Be cool and casual about it but just letting her vent. It wouldn't be helpful if you turned and said "haha, you should have charged it, you fool" "Why didn't you charge it last night?" "No big deal, jesus, it's not the end of the world." Etc. or the other side of the coin "Oh my god, are you okay, how horrible for you, I wish could be there to take the pain away from your tortured soul." Too much sympathy would be counter-productive too.
Take the nonchalant position of support. Play it cool by letting her vent, not letting it bother you and seeming supportive. You're going to have plenty off days too OP and hopefully she'll take a similar approach.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Some people are just like this. The chances are it's just how she is and won't ever change. Talk to her and tell her you're not happy with this behaviour. If it doesn't change, my advice is to leave her. There are plenty of nicer people out there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (12 March 2013):
You are incompatable, trust me I am the same most of my previous boyfriends have said something that has upset me. What is it you say that upsets her? For one alot of girls don't understand banter. Secondly alot of us don't like any kind of chat that involves another woman. She seems to me like she wants someone who is submissive.
...............................
|
