A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My gf lied about talking to her ex. I'm going to try to be as factual and unbiased as possible about this, and not include any of our history.For ease of explanation let's just pretend I'm psychic. Last night (Sunday), we're laying in bed and out of nowhere, I ask about her ex who lives 2 hours away. I just started the conversation by saying, "so how's _______ doing?" She says, "I don't know. We don't really talk." I ask when the last time they talked was. She says, "last week for like 2 minutes." Ask about what. She says, "nothing. Idk.. He just talks about school." Etc... Etc... notbuyingit.jpgAfter a while, I've had enough trying to pry the truth, so in front of her, I pick up her phone and casually scroll down to his texts. The history goes back 2 days. Hmmm =/...Jump into phone calls. 1 call Friday for 40 minutes. 2 calls Thursday. 6 Calls Wednesday. 3 Calls Monday, and so on. Rough estimate: 20+ calls within 2 weeks, and recently deleted text history.She's called out.She admits she lied.Says they have been talking more lately, "but seriously... We just started talking again recently. That's the truth. We really haven't been talking at all. Just like the last 2 weeks we have." I say something like, "ok so you guys just started talking again out of nowhere like 2 weeks ago?" "Yes."Wonder how that started... I ask, "So you called him?""...yea, I called him."First true thing she's said.Says she's lonely (she doesn't have a lot of friends) and swears there's nothing more going on. Says That she doesn't want to be with him or anything ("I have no romantic feelings for him. He's just a friend."), but just needs someone to talk to who knows her and doesn't try to solve her problems, but just tells her shit like, "no you're great! You're amazing and I know everything is going to work out for you!" Despite it being an extremely sore spot for a lot of reasons I won't include, I have flat out told her it's ok if she talks to him. I understand the need for friends, and I have a good friendship with my ex. She says she doesn't remember me ever saying that, and the reason she lied about it is because she didn't want me to be upset over nothing. I say that's bullshit, and if there was really nothing in those texts or anything said on the phone that was damning, they wouldn't be hidden. How many other lies are here? I say, "you tell me that you've never been up there to see him. But that's not even true is it?" She says she hasn't seen him since they broke up.Maybe that's true... Maybe it's not. Maybe those phone calls are nothing. Maybe they're not. HOW WOULD I KNOW? Because obviously I'm not privy to the truth.And, because I think someone will probably ask:We've been dating about 6 years. Took a break a while back, and that's when she dated this? guys for 5 months. Think they broke up back in Sept. I'm 28, she's 24.Oh... And since I was already being an asshole and going through her phone (something I despise BTW) I checked another text conversation with a REALLY old ex. That conversation is basically just him telling her how great she is and asking her out. She replied by nicely telling him she has a boyfriend. He pulls the classic, "oh he's such a lucky man! I hope he treats you right!" bullshit... Past that point, their conversation continued for a long time until about a month ago. A whole other set of questions now. Like, "why would you keep talking to someone like this when you undeniably know they want to date you?" sad;jlfdfserwaqa;DFSADSA;HL!Anyway~We fight. Stay up till 6am. Now I'm at work. Anyone have opinions or advice on this shit!?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (28 January 2015):
 If I'm honest, whilst her lying was wrong, you don't sound very sympathetic, so I'm not surprised she didn't feel comfortable talking to you about it. I mean, loneliness isn't an overnight thing; its a gradual realisation and you should have probably picked up on it, even if she was too nervous to talk to you about it.
Anyway, you'd both do well to break up and find people better suited to yourselves. For her, someone who is more sympathetic and understanding, who she doesn't feel she has to lie to. For you, someone who feels strong enough to tell you things, even if you'll probably jump to conclusions and get mad before understanding.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): Your girlfriend is being dishonest & selfish. She is seeking attention from outside the relationship without concern for your feelings or the fact that it undermines the relationship with you, her boyfriend.
Is she really serious about continuing this relationship with you? I think if there are no plans to get more serious (marriage, moving in, etc) and you have both been together for 6 years already, it may be time to move on. She probably needs some freedom from you as well, since she has been with you since she was 18! That is probably 99% of her entire dating life so far!
Might be a good idea to separate (go no contact, not like her other exes!) and date other people. She doesn't sound ready to be with you or any one person for the long haul. Free her to sew her wild oats and so she can find out what she really wants. Her mistakes are not behind her!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): I have been through this with my husband speaking to his ex. He was even meeting her without my knowledge.
All I can say is that it never stops. The trust that is broken takes a lifetime to fix if it can be fixed that is. Cut your losses and move on. I wish I had done the same the first time I found out.
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