A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:???I’m annoyed at my friend but I can’t be honest with her as she’s been through a lot and I don’t want to come across as insensitive.In June 2022 she discovered that her boyfriend of 6 years was having an affair with her housemate. Of course she was devastated. She moved out of her house share and moved in with her aunt.Then out of the blue she announced that she had found a place to rent and a new job in a town almost 2 hours away from our town! She explained that she didn’t want to stay in our town as she didn’t want to see either of them (ex boyfriend and housemate). Now we live in a big town and the chances of her bumping in to them would be minuscule.In the meantime my husband and I bought a new house and we’re having a housewarming party which she refused to come to as she didn’t feel comfortable being back in this city and was worried she’d see her ex - which wouldn’t happen as he wasn’t invited to our house!I then had my 40th birthday party (which I had planned prior to them breaking up) and she refused to come to that for the same reason- despite it being in a private function room.She even had Christmas alone as she refused to come back and her family couldn’t drop everything to go over to hers as she is in a house share. The only way to see her is to drive down to where she is, which is a hassle or we meet up half way but we can’t see each other as much as we’d like.Personally I think she didn’t think her decision through properly and I do think she is milking the situation for sympathy- I mean they weren’t living together, they had no kids and they argued a lot plus they broke up several times so I really don’t think they were as much in love as she says they were.Every time we talk or meet up she keeps going on about it, how she’s still devastated and still upset over it. It’s been 8 months and I’m sick of hearing the same thing.She never asks how I am or what I’m doing. It’s always about her and how she was wronged! And before anyone has a go at me- I was cheated on too, with a guy I lived with and was engaged too and yes it was awful but I didn’t drag on the “woe is me” for 8 months and my friend wasn’t as attentive as I have been to her! How can I tactfully tell my friend she needs to move on and stop going over old ground?
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affair, broke up, christmas, engaged, her ex, move on, moved in, moved out Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2023): She doesn't want to be your friend anymore plane and simple. Why do you keep chasing her? I say let this friendship quietly die.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 February 2023):
 Honestly?
I think she is USING the cheating and hurt to avoid having to do things she doesn't want to do.
Or she didn't want to see you and your husband all happy in your new house as HER dreams were shattered.
If she had REALLY wanted to come to your housewarming or birthday, family Christmas - she would have done it. Regardless of the potential of running into the ex.
Is she hard up for money? Maybe she uses that excuse because she can't afford the trips.
Or she is just not that invested in your friendship anymore.
Being cheated on SUPER sucks. It hurts on so many levels and you need to remember that people move on at different speeds. If she is almost 40/around 40 she might feel like HE was her "last chance" at a family so it's EXTRA devasting.
I don't really think you can tell her that she needs to move on. She has to do that in her own time.
But you can put in as much EFFORT as you get from her. See where that leads.
A good friend will listen, but a good friend will also remind their friend that:" I'm not your therapist" or perhaps more politely:" perhaps you should talk to someone professional about this".
If you still want to spend time with her, maybe plan to do things where you are active, not sitting and listening to her whinge. Such as a trip to the zoo, go-karting, hiking, or minigolf.
It sucks to see someone being stuck in a "Woe is Me" mentality and it's hard to always be the shoulder to cry on. But isn't that part of being friends?
She might not even know how much of a Debbie Downer she is. But I think telling her would be kinda hurtful, yet ... also something that might need to be said. It has to be done in a gentle way and with care.
As in,
I know you are still hurting and it hurts me to watch you like this. I think perhaps you should consider talking to a therapist and working through the grief you are experiencing. Because when a relationship ends it can be like a death in someways, the death of her hopes and dreams.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (8 February 2023):
 You aren't really friends.....you are her friend but she is not your friend bc it seems like she wants your! support and pity and she has a hard time but she is not there for you as she should. I think she likes feeling like the center of attention and is afraid to move on bc once she does people won't have a reason to protect and pity her!!
Try telling her how you feel without sounding like you attack her......tell her you need HER in YOUR life as well and although you understand where she's coming from you need her as well to be part of your life again if she wants to maintain the friendship otherwise you might have to part ways.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): I've met dozens of women I call drama queens. They are continually rehashing he said this and then he did that, and why did he do that? Every word the other person says. Every move they make. When they were five minutes later. How many days before they phoned. The lot. It's self obsessed to expect you to want to hear all this, as if their life is the only one that matters. It is even worse if they never show interest in your stuff. It's no good telling them they are self absorbed, selfish, immature - yes they are - but they will not change and they will see you as a bad person who is criticising them instead of being supportive.
Either ignore it. Change the subject or stay away from her.
As to the bit about meeting half way etc you can zoom.
Lots of people do. We zoom with family who are too far away and busy to meet up with more often once a week.
Think outside the box and think of ideas rather than just criticising how things are.
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A
female
reader, Fairylight_meterlong  +, writes (7 February 2023):
Hi there,
I can understand your frustration about your friend. She's not her old self probably. However, I don't think it's fair for others to decide how she is feeling. As a friend, it's your duty to believe when she says she's not comfortable, when she says she thinks they were in love and when she says she's still traumatized. Please understand that she is a different individual than you are and isn't going to feel or react the same way you would to life experiences.
You are right in being concerned about her but I really don't agree that you can judge her for behaving the way she is. You sound like "Oh stop being sad and get over it!". Do you really think she enjoys doing all of this or being alone? Please don't help her for your own benefit. If you wish to help, do so for her wellbeing. She's going to sulk until she falls in love again- because for her maybe that's important. You're not a bad friend for expecting otherwise but then there's no point trying to change her as a person. If she says and acts like it's a big deal to her- then it IS a big deal to her. The starting point to her healing would be you and other people accepting that to her- it mattered very much and she is hurting.
She does not ask about you because her mind seems to be obsessed and stuck with the same thoughts. Unless someone recognizes her issues and helps her reflect on it- she's going to remain this way. It might even keep repeating in the future.
You could refer her to therapy. Alternatively, if you don't advocate this yourself, then sit down and tell her that you're concerned. Ask her more reflective questions. Help her come up with an action plan to overcome her fears. I doubt at all that she's in a stable state of mind. You really need to be there for her instead of comparing her mental state with yours when you were heartbroken. Meanwhile don't rely on this friend alone for your needs in friendship. Connect with other friends who could ask you about your wellbeing in the meantime. It's not always give and take. It's about understanding whether someone is in a position to 'give'.
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