A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday I went to visit a good friend and she told me that she is cheating on her husband of 4 years also a friend of mine) with a guy she works with who is also married with kids.She asked me to go for a drive with her and told me in the car...all the explicit details ie where they do it what he is like etc. She is unashamed and is basically as excited about the whole affair as anyone would be at the start of a new relationship.She has no remorse about what she is doing to her husband or her lovers young family and tells me she plans to continue this affair for years to come.It was hard for me to sit in their house knowing what she is up to while he cooked us dinner and she was all like sweetie this and darling that to him acting like nothing was going on.My question is basically this....SHOULD I TELL HIM??? I really want to because he is a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Also they are planning on trying for kids this year and I really want to tell him before this happens. Who knows my friend may end up raising another man's child too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Old post but just so relavant!
So OP, I assum u told her hb? in 2 months time it will be 2 yrs later - so what transpired.
I would hate for the hb to rear another mans kid.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): If it's the other way around and the husband is having an affair while his wife is pregnant, now 6 months, would you tell his wife? I have a friend doing this and I struggle to look him in the eye these days.
I think you should tell him. It will hurt him initially, but he'll thank you in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): I have been stuck in the middle of a situation like this recently, a friend whom I thought I knew cheated on her husband and photos of her and the affair was tagged on facebook. My husband and I saw it all, and my husband decided to tell her husband because they are very close.
We get all the blame from this friend of mine. She showed no remorse of what she did, instead she wrote us rude emails saying we don't know how to respect her privacy and that we have big mouths.
People like this really have no shame, not worth to be friends with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I read all of this advice....I recently mentioned my concern to a coworker about a report by another person who saw someone having an affair at work....I was seeking advice about how I handled it? Since I knew about the affair but was not airing my friend's affair, I thought I explained to the person who reported it that they might be wrong.When I asked my other friend if I handled it well, that other friend hinted to my first friend that they knew about the affair....even though I left out names and kept it very general!Now, my friend is mad at me and thinks I "outed" the affair....I'm going through hell...she's no longer my friend, and I'm not sure I can trust the other friend as a confidante, so I have to say that owing to my own situation, I recommend not telling, should anyone get in such a situation. Someone else's desire and lust and lack of caring for their spouse becomes the drama and upset for the person confided in....I think having an affair and then telling a close friend is twice as bad. People should keep their immoralities to themselves and not trouble close friends with their infidelity, calling into question their loyalty to keep the secret....Putting others into a position where they themselves feel guilty--for something they did not even do!It shows selfishness on the part of the person who had the affair, then turned around and placed a moral dilemma upon friends by confiding intimate details....Who needs friends like that?I'm not judgemental. People are people and we will make mistakes, but I've never cheated on my spouse. I'm not a priest, so why confide in me? I'm not a cop, a psychiatrist...and I certainly never said one day to her "so, are you having an affair? I'd like to know so you can BURDEN ME with your indiscretions, and make me question my own ability to watch someone cheat on their husband...."And, then, if the word gets out, little Miss "screw my vows" gets mad because she can narrow it down to folks who are supposed to be her good friends?If her hubby does not find out on his own, she will never forget it. And SHE has to suffer the guilt....even on his death bed or hers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
If you don't want to be pulled into that mess of a love triangle, ask your friend to keep her affair to herself or at
least not to confide in you anymore. She should be the one to tell, not you or anyone else who is not her.
"I don't value her friendship anymore, she's not who I thought she was". So one mistake defines a person? Pleez.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): if you dont want anyone to know.....why tell anyone at all????
I think she wants him to find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): TELL HIM!
She is showing no remorse at all and wants to have kids! and like you say how could you sit there watching her act all nice and lovey to him. He would be angry knowing you knew and didnt tell him.
He may not believe you however so be careful. No one ever wants to hear that sort of news.
Where does she meet her lover?
Maybe you should tell the husband to go where they might be meeting or check her text messages before confronting her. It would be better for him to see it for himself, as hurt as it would be seeing that. He will be hurt either way so its worth a try....best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): She told you in complete confidence, but maybe with an ulterior motive. Perhaps she wants out of her marriage with your help?!
You're in a very difficult situation. I'm not sure if I would tell him. Maybe convince her to tell him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): anonymous poster who stated friends dont destroy relationships why dont you take a reality check. The person who cheated destroyed the relationship. If this person does tell the husband she ensures he is making an informed choice about his future.
I say TELL HIM
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2009): Im the original poster to the question. To the female who stated that I shouldn't even be considering telling the husband I have to say ARE YOU SERIOUS. Just because someone tells you something in confidence does not mean that it should be kept a secret if what they are doing hurts other people. This is someones life that will be RUINED by shared custody etc if they do have a child together.I think I should also make it clear that I was in a relationship of 8 years. My boyfriend was cheating on me and this girls husband TOLD ME and im so grateful!!!The messenger does not always get shot. Its more hurtful knowing that all your friends knew before you I think. Im the only one she has told and i want to nip it in the bud.To tell you the truth I dont care if they shot the messenger and I dont really value her friendship as much now, she is not the person I thought she was. She also knows how I feel about infidelity after my experiance and I think she told me because she WANTS to get caught. Im going to tell him, it wont be easy but its the right thing to do. thank you for your answers its helped a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): your friend confided in you and no matter how great you think her husband is, if you was a real friend you wouldnt be even considering telling her husband as friends dont destroy relationships
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 January 2009):
 Urgh, it's a tough one. As much as I detest cheating ( and I do believe me) I wold so HATE to be the one to tell someone their spouse is cheating.
However since she dragged you into it maybe you should tell her that she need to tell her husband or maybe you will. Just bear in mind, everyone wants to shoot the messenger..
Personally if I had a friend who did this with such carelessness I would tell him, no if ends or butts.
Just don't expect anyone to be grateful to you about it.
I'm so sorry you were stuck in the middle of her mess.
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A
male
reader, MichaelS2 +, writes (4 January 2009):
 You SHOULD tell him.She's bound to get caught sometime and it's best before a child is involved.I know of many who's relationships have been ruined because of Cheating.However the relationships in which a child wasn't involved were a lot better off and they even remained together.But when a child's involved as well as cheating,The divorces are worse and more feelings are hurt.I would tell him.Be sincere about it.But first I'd tell your friend to tell him or you will.If she doesn't tell him,You should tell him.
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