A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my good friend has suddenly decided he doesnt want to know me. i helped him with everything last year with his homelife and work exams. now hes joined a new team hes gone distant and boast how great it is and how much work he gets-a lot different to last year when he was sincere and enjoyed working with me. do you think he will regret treating me like this ? im so hurt what shall i do ?whats the best way to deal with this. hes acting cocky and now he knows everything. what shall i do ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): thankyou guys for being patient with me sorry tish iam grateful to all the guys
youre all very special people thanku for helping me xx
i wont bother u anymore with this
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (27 January 2011):
 hi
he sounds like he is a bit wrapped up in his new stuff, probably not even noticing his behaviour is upsetting you. maybe you should just keep your distance from him a bit and when he gets down out of his own a*s* he can catch up with how YOU'RE doing
xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Is this good friend married, by any chance? And why are you not replying to the people who take the time to answer your question, technically questionS.
You seem to have developed a very strong attachment to him, and from the three posts here, it sounds as though he made it clear that he didn't want more of a relationship with you. Now that he has moved in work, he has taken the opportunity to put more space between you. It sounds as though this is a pretty lop-sided situation, with you being the one doing most of the giving and putting a great deal of energy and thought into spending time with him.
If he is married, which I seem to recall he is (you mentioned homelife problems?), then he may feel that you have become too clingy and are more of a liability than an asset, friendship-wise.
Sorry, there comes times in people's lives when rejection happens. It isn't nice and it isn't pleasant, you have to mourn it and then get over it and move on.
You have made your desire for a closer friendship very clear to him. His response has been to distance himself from you. That is a message, pretty loud and clear to the rest of us, that he is not interested in maintaining a 24/7 contact/support thing with you. Practically, there isn't much you can do now other than to stop contacting him. I'd also advise you to start the grieving process for the end of the relationship, as he sounds like a guy who is happy to close the book on things in the past, and you have been relegated to that, the past.
Call up a girlfriend and go see the latest film and have some dessert. Chocolate and red wine can do wonders for the mood. If you haven't been to the gym in a while, time to go and get in a good workout. If you don't belong to a gym, get yourself out for a nice long walk and get your heart rate up. Try your hand at some painting or drawing, using the other side of your brain is also very relaxing and stimulating at the same time.
You need to take a break from this obsessing over him and if you feel you can't manage to do it, then maybe getting some outside, professional help would be a good idea.
Chalk this guy in the user/loser column and shift your sights to nurturing yourself.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): I remember you posting about this situation a few months ago but i can't find the other post. Look, he used you for money and other material things and if i remember rightly i told you to stop being a door mat and not let people walk all over you.Does it really matter if he's being cocky or what he thinks? The guy's a moron and a user, you shouldn't even be thinking about him.He wasn't a "good friend" he used you and now he's got what he wants he's tossed you aside.He doesn't feel bad because he doesn't care and he never did. You need to move on and forget about him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): The fact that you are letting this get to you so much seems a bit obsessive. OK so you helped him and he took that help and moved on without a backward glance. Maybe he wasn't the person you thought he was, as you seem to feel he is not grateful or at least bothered enough to keep in touch. Did you want a relationship with him? I'm afraid it looks as if he used you. Very painful but you have to get past this. If he was nothing more than a friend - well just get over it, but if you actually love him (and why else would this bother you so much) you are going to have to accept that your good intentions were taken advantage of and realise you made a mistake. He is a user.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 January 2011):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-always-helped-him-out-and-now-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/co-worker-has-become-distant-but-claims-nothing.html
Aren't you getting sick of asking the same question over and over?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 January 2011):
 It's entirely justifiable that you are hurt. Of course you hurt. It's hard to imagine that users like this exist, but they do.
They end up making good people become wary.
If people like him are practised enough they can appear to be so sincere. And evidently appreciative. Yet all the time such users are plotting their next move to take advantage of someone.
They go through life being false, but at first, they appear to be genuine.
It was a horrible way to learn about his duplicitious nature.
He's behaving in a callous uncaring manner. Such people exist. And it's horrible to come across a user like this guy.
You were kind, considerate and did your best. He in return was incapable of acknowledging your contribution.
His behavior is hurtful, but don't allow him to take the gloss off your recognition that you are a good sincere kind person.
Whereas he has none of your good qualities.
He's not worth the trouble.
I'm sorry to say that with his 'standards' he may never be sorry for his actions.
You are right to seek ways to get over this hurt. First recognise that he is like a dirty virus. With time and treating yourself well you will slowly start to heal the pain and hurt you feel inside for the way he treated you. For it is a betrayal.
He played you like a con-man plays his victim.
Try to develop some alternative absorbing activities that focus on being kind to your first, rather than putting others first as you have done before.
Choose activities that make you feel good. If you are not sure what those activities might be, then try a range of things, like yoga, hiking, working with animals, or just some good quality pampering in a quality day spa.
Contact some friends and ask if any would like to join you at a reunion lunch at a nice casual restaurant to say hi. Sometimes our busy lives mean that we don't find the time to do such things. I recently went to just such a lunch with 24 other friends from my school days for a lovely few hours. We had such a good time we have already figured out when the next one will be. We chose a Saturday as so many work Mon-Fri and Sat allows the Dads to do the child minding.
Reconnect with things you've loved in the past. things you've put to one side because you've been busy. Or try some new past times be it joining a group that cares about heritage, or volunteer as a tour guide in a historic home.
If you have a special skill to create things, then explore that skill. Perhaps with a view to capitalizing on that skill to create a new enterprize for yourself.
All these introduced activities are about enriching your life so that you do not have time to dwell on the hurt you feel. Because you know he's not worth the trouble.
But once you do start to feel better about you and your life then you can try a symbolic act to erase him, once and for all.
To do that:
Write out every emotion you feel over this experience and everything you would like to call him and tell him. Sit down and read it all again, once you have written it, then
Screw the paper up. Then drop the paper into metal bowl. Say good riddance to him. Set fire to the crumpled paper. And watch it burn to ash. Symbolicly you just erased him from your life.
You know he's not worth clogging up the beauty that exists in this world and the joy you need in your life.
My good wishes to you..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Maybe he will, maybe he won't regret it but it doesn't matter anyway, you see you don't need that kind of comfort of hoping he feels bad about it. You should just focus on feeling good that you did good by him even if he is an ungrateful bastard.
You see that makes you a good, kind and caring person. You didn't do anything wrong so you have no reason to feel bad. There are lots of people like him in the world, people that need to have others do everything for them because they're useless and then use that person as a stepping stone to move up.
It happens and you'll get over it, if he's really like this then you'll get over it quickly too because he's not worth anymore of your emotions.
Ask him to join you for lunch some time and ask him what the deal is. You see he could just be one of those transient people that makes friends with people who are useful, he might not even realize that he does that it could just be his personality.
I had a friend like that, thoroughly useless at life, couldn't do anything for herself, always in debt and unable to do her college work on her own. Now we got close as friends I helped her a lot with her college work and her personal life she always needed help with something. Then she moved to a different subject on our course and suddenly she stopped calling as much and needing as much. You see she now found another person who was doing that subject that would help her with it, they're now really close friends and this new friend does the exact same things for her. She's always either too busy or stressed out to have time for me but it made me realize that she only really had so much time for me in the first place because she needed me.
Did she use me? No, I was glad to help, I'm always glad to help and I like helping people so I got a satisfaction out of it too. Do I miss having her as a friend? Not anymore because she doesn't really bring anything to the table as regards friendship. OP I'm roughly the same age as you, now we both know friendships come and go, it's just how friendships work. So this guy was a friend and you were close, you helped him and now he's gone off and is ungrateful for your help and stuff. So what? That's his problem not yours, you did good by him, you helped him, you're a good person no need to change any of that.
If you feel used and this is the kind of thing that happens a lot then you need to demand a greater balance from friends, helping people is fine and not asking for anything in return is good too but only to a point don't put yourself out too much when helping people if you don't feel they would do that in return.
You see people like my friend always need help with something and they always gravitate to the people that can help them, once you're no longer in a position to do that then they find someone else, it's not malicious it's just the way they live and it's not a good way to live OP and I fell sorry for her because she's useless at relationships, useless at life. While I'm a good kind person with a solid base of friends because I help people and yeah some people take that without giving back but that's their problem not mine OP because mots people are pretty grateful for help and will gladly return the favour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): no thats the weird thing we were speaking everyday loads getting on well then nothing. ive been in bits over it
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Do I think he will regret treating you like this?...probably not. He has used you to get himself sorted out. If he sees you as just a friend, then he can blow you out easily if he wants.
The best you can do is front him. Ask his why he is treating you badly now. If you had romantic attachments to him, then it's understandable to see why you feel used, but some men don't really care how you feel as long as they get what they want.
Ask him straight what's going on. He may apologise or he may just look at ou like you have two heads...either way you will get an answer.
Learn from it and don't let anyone take advantage of you again.
Hugs
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Tell him how you feel. it's wierd how a good friend can just drop you, it seems sudden, to you, but to them its a gradual thing, did you not speak to this guy for a while? do you know what i mean?men will get cocky, especially if they think they know everything, so ignore that just try to speak to him, you'll feel better anyway
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