A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Backstory: Been with my fiancee for 7 years, but engaged for 2 years, wedding delayed to 2023 due to COVID.I've been with my fiance Anna (this isn't her real name) for 7 years now, she's from a rich Chinese-Australian family.Anna was born here (her family are Australian-born, although her dad is Chinese-born, her mum is Polish-Australian) and she's a fifth- or sixth-generation immigrant, so I'm told (Anna's got very into her family history recently).Anyway... Anna's dad's kept pressuring her to have kids, and she's explicitly told him no time and again.We both want to be childfree, being aunt and uncle to Anna's sister Sarah is enough for us.Yet, Anna's dad is insistent about this, I suspect this insistent attitude is because he's a businessman who's known for his refusal not to give up (where we live, he's well known in the local Chinatown, been in local media etc.) Anna is asking me how she can convince him that we're childfree and that "being childfree isn't a woke thing" (since her dad seems to be very on board with wokeness).I get on OK with her dad, at first he was a bit suspicious of me when me and Anna had a meal at an expensive restaurant, when she introduced me to her parents.Anna loves her Dad, but told me she's worrying about this pressuring, it's causing her stress.It doesn't help that Anna's mum was diagnosed with COVID-19 then it was later found the test was a false positive and she didn't even have COVID; it turned out to be food poisoning. Now Anna's worrying about her mum.I get on well with Anna's mum, she's a kind lady who's fun to be around, she's a woman who sometimes lapses into Polish if she gets overexcited but that's part of who she is and while I'm not fluent, at least you can say it's one way of learning some Polish!We want to have a good relationship and our late 2022/early 2023 wedding but with all these issues, will we ever get to do so?Any advice is welcomed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, meccamega +, writes (6 June 2021):
Don’t have kids just because he wants it. You will resent him and regret it. Looking after a baby is time consuming. Don’t let yourself be pushed into it like I did.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (3 June 2021):
 What is the hold up on the wedding?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2021): P.S.
Until you came into the picture; your fiancé may have never lead your parents to believe she didn't want to have children. Now she doesn't want any kids. Do you think her parents are convinced their daughter has decided without any doubt, and no coaxing from you, she does not want children?
Our parents sometimes know us better than we know ourselves!
You can't read her mind; and like I said...daddy might be winning!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2021): The term "woke" or "wokeness" is an appropriated ethnic-colloquialism; used out of context by arrogant politicians, and older-people lamely trying to be hip. It's inappropriate as it is often referenced by those not qualified to use it; and don't exactly know what it infers. Using it in the wrong context can be offensive; and it has racist-implications when you don't know how (or when) to use it, or whom to use it in-front of. Don't use it too often. Mind when you use it in public. Just FYI!
Your girlfriend's father is old-school, and people from his era want grandchildren. It doesn't mean you have to have them; just because he insists on it. What happens if she can't have children, even if she wanted to?
As a united couple, just tell dear old-dad that you and your fiancé don't plan to have children; once and for all. He can keep prodding, nagging, and pressuring; but he has no control over his daughter's womb. Neither do you, for that matter.
Has she told him this herself, or did she make it seem like it's not entirely her idea. It depends on how she has actually conveyed the decision to her father. Naturally, he's not hearing it from you. You can't get pregnant. You're not his daughter, nor are you her husband yet. If she's in her late 30's, or turning 40; nature will be your determinant and closing argument. It could all be an act, and she's really not certain one-way or another. He's going to pressure her until she's absolutely certain. He has no right; but he is her father. Sometimes it comes-down to culture and tradition. You can take a person out of their culture; but sometimes you can't take the culture out of the person.
It's really not an issue, unless you both allow it to be. Is he dangling her inheritance over your heads? That is his ace, of course.
He might even back-off, if you tell him you'll think about it. Then don't. Then don't be surprised when the will is read, and you don't get a plugged-nickel! In the back of your minds, maybe that's what makes you so concerned about the pressure. Two adults approaching, or in their 40's; aren't that likely to have children as time passes. Her biological-clock will stop ticking; and you're both home free!
I recommend you be as agreeable and respectful of her father as you can reasonably be. Traditionally, his blessing matters. It instills goodwill. He may be more persuasive than you might think; and the more you resist, the more he'll pressure. If she feels so pressured, maybe it's because he's winning! It's daddy vs you; and she's his little girl.
You're pushing a boulder uphill, and she doesn't want to disappoint her father. Even if she is appearing to want a childless-marriage. You can't read her mind. Pressure could be coming from both-sides. Or have you considered that? If it was 100% her idea from the beginning, daddy could pressure her all he wanted; and she wouldn't budge, or feel so bothered about it.
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