A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a previous relationship which ended badly, leaving me insecure about my looks and myself. I gradually got over this and have built up my self esteem. A couple of years ago I got into a relationship with a fantastic guy, with 1 flaw. He is addicted to porn. I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I don't mind watching the odd film or something, but he had hundreds of magazines and computer files. We talked about it and he threw the magazines away because he knew it made me feel bad and brought back all the feelings of inadequacy. Anyway, long story short, he has lapsed about every 6 months since we have been togther, everytime he apologies promises never to do it again, we have even sought counselling, we are now engaged and planning our wedding and trying for a child and he is doing it again. He says he doesn't like doing it. I just don't know if I can trust him. I do love him, but it just makes me feel completely worthless and unattracitve when he does this. what should I do?
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addicted to porn, engaged, fiance, insecure, porn, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Crystal414  +, writes (1 August 2008):
I understand completey what you're going through. My fiancee is addicted as well. So far, I've had to put parental locks on the computer and the television. I've told him numerous times that it makes me feel inadequate and it's as though he keeps disrespecting me, he still continues. So, what I've done now is I told him that if he still wants to look at porn then I will not sleep with him anymore and if it still continues, I will leave. I said if that is more important than my feelings then obviously you don't need me here anymore, and I mean it. Stick to your guns. I'm hoping that once they see that we have enough respect for ourselves (even if they don't) to hold to our promises then they will reconsider. Whatever happens, stay strong, we deserve good men in our lives.
A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (20 August 2007):
 Zim is so right..porn addiction does exist and it does cause pain and great hurt in other people's lives. A relationship is two people who look after each other-they both nuture and develop the relationship, mutually and equally. You have your work cut out for you because a relationship to an addict will never be equal. . Pornography addiction is serious, hun, as is drug, alcohol and other addictions. So it's crucial.. that you look after yourself, because dear, he will not be able to look after you. You will be looking after him and you will become unhappy, years down the road. You will become like a sentinel and it will get stressful and very painful. So if you are insecure to begin with you will need confidence, strength, courage and conviction to deal with this. You need to find 'that part' of you because it will help you cope with what is to come. He is fighting an addiction and addicts, no matter how much we see the goodness and lovability...they will manipulate, they will lie and be very sneaky to get what they want...that fix. In this case, his porn. Do not begin a family with him until you are assured he is cured and will not go back to this addiction. And even then, there will never be guarantees he won't slip. This will be a inner battle for him, for a long, long time because pornography is extremely addictive, with the some people even eventually becoming desensitized to 'ordinary' porn and moving on to dangerous deviant images of porn, So yes, you are smart to be aware and concerned. Addiction to pornography eventually does destroy relationships and blows up families, by dehumanizing the addicted individual and reducing their capacity to love in a caring, meaningful way. If he is making efforts, he can do it but HE has to do the work. But he will have to be strong and so will you. You need to talk to a pre-marriage counsellor on your own first, to get his insights and opinions on what this will do to your future marriage and how this will play out with any children brought into this union. Then above and beyond his addiction counseling, he needs pre-marital counseling as well. Next, if I were you, I'd work on your self-confidence because you will need that, to take a stand to letting him know what he stands to lose if this addictive behavior continues. Boundaries need to be laid out and consistantly followed through by you. It teaches others to respect us and it teaches them, what we won't tolerate. Tell him you are getting rid of the internet connection, his porn movies, his porn books, etc..and then go from there. And you need to be tough. If you don't do this and he continues disrespecting this relationship, you will not be happy in the long lasting sense. This relationship will eventually blow up and you don't need to be either pregnant or have babies to support on your own. Think about all this long and hard, before you plan marriage and babies. Do what is best for you...right now. Do not bring children into this dysfunction..he has to help himself.. before you can even hope to have a healthy, loving marriage and family with this man. It's a tough decision, and I am sorry. There is no other way.
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A
male
reader, Zim +, writes (20 August 2007):
 Its unfortunate that there are so many people out there who affected by Pornography. By what you're telling me, it sounds very much like your fiancé has an addiction to pornography. Some people don't believe it exists but it definitely does. It is good that he threw away his magazines, but I think its time for him to lose the computer files as well. Discuss it with him, showing him that you're on his side and you want to help him to break this addiction. One important thing to understand is that this is in every way an addiction. If he stops for a while, the temptation to look at it again will become greater, almost like a "withdrawal" effect. Once he gives in, then you're back to square one. There are different solutions if you are of a religious mind, but the core solution to this problem is constant support and "tough" love. It sounds difficult, but by the sounds of it, you have caught yourself a really great guy with, as you say, one flaw. Once that is gone, you will just have an amazing guy to spend the rest of your life with. Sound good? Its worth the effort then surely. Get him to delete the computer files and agree on a system whereby you ask him whether he has been looking at porn that day. It sounds like he doesn't lie to you when you ask so doing it this way, may shame him enough constantly that he just doesn't want to do it any more. Then you're on the home straight. Still hard work but getting there.:-)I wish you all the best luck. I hope this answer helped.ZIM
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): Hey, i dated a guy for three years and loved him with all my heart. When we did long distance relationship, i understood that he needed to watch porn because i wasn't around. I didn't like it but i dealt with it. He had many files and pictures as well. When he moved close to me, he "stopped". I found out (simply bu asking) that he still did it when he didn't get to see me for 2-3-4 days because he had "high sex drive". I was devastated...I was hurt, disappointed and felt unappreciated that he woulnd't wait for me.... 2-3 days wasnt really that long (in my opinion)... He understood me somewhat but not completely, he said that every guy does it etc - NOT TRUE! There are good looking guys who are simply not interested and would rather wait for their lovely girlfriend, the one they truley love and care for.To make a long story short, we argued so much about it, i was so hurt and due to some other extra things we broke up. I love this guy deeply (we broke up just recently) but i know that there is somone out there who will care about my feelings and respect them. He freaked out if i mentioned vibrator yet porn for him was just fine- so did he though.Ii hope my view and story help you... Trust me there are guys who are really not into it.I don't like when people say watch it with him or there isnothing wrong with it or similar: Your bf has you and he shoulld respect the way you feel. It takes a real man-sweetheart to truly appreciate women and her feelings. Sometimes us women seem to stick with them and let them get away with a lot even when we get hurt. That shouldn't be the case. Overall, you need to know that there are guys who wouldn't do that. Now it is up to you ....Good luck....
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A
female
reader, sara518 +, writes (20 August 2007):
 i was in a relationship with a guy who was also addicted to porn. i ended up leaving him because i couldn't take it anymore. a year later i asked him why he continued watching it even though he knew it devastated me and he said it was because we didn't sleep together enough. so this leads me to think that maybe if you spice up your sex life a bit he might feel satisfied enough sexually to not have to go look else where to "get off". the bad thing though is that things like this can destroy a relationship, because he will continue to lie about it just to keep you happy. if his porn addiction extremely bothers you i don't know if it would be such a good idea to start building a life with a child until you know for sure this problem can be solved.
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