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My father and I have different views on life and it's holding me back from being myself

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 December 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 21 December 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I live with my mom and dad while working and going to school part time to finish my degree. My mom and I have always been close but my dad and I not so much.

I was always his little 'princess' growing up and loved to go camping/fishing and go on boat rides with the family and was sort of a tom boy growing up.

When I got to 11th grade I started becoming a different person and had more confidence in myself. While I used to be very close to my family, I started making a lot more friends and going out with them more. I even started dating. My parents always wanted me to wait til I was 18 before I started going out on dates alone but I was 17 and started talking to a really nice guy and my father wasn't happy about it. We didn't last long but my dad felt like going out on the weekends and going out with guys was going to affect my schooling and my future.

He also had a really awkward sex conversation with me telling me I should wait til marriage because that is how he grew up and that I need to make sure I respect myself and present myself in a certain manner. He also would regularly make sure I'm not drinking or doing drugs and him and my mother asked to check my room a couple of times back in high school

Over the years I have just felt like I can't be myself in front of my dad and sort of have to walk on eggshells. I don't agree with his views on how I should live my life. I don't go out partying every night but I do enjoy going out with my friends on the weekends and my dad gets mad saying I go out way too much and keeps track of my college studies. I sometimes feel like he's just too judgmental towards me and doesn't want me to live my own life. It's starting to put tension on our relationship.

Is my dad being unreasonable? Is it normal for him to be this way with this adult daughter?

View related questions: confidence, drugs

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo he is not being unreasonable. He is still your Dad and you are still his little girl to him. It is completely normal that parents ask you not to party to much ect. The thing here though is you are still living under there roof so you will not be treated as an adult if you are still dependent on them. If you want to be an independent adult then move out and find your own place, buy shopping and pay bills. Don't rely on your parents and then you have your freedom to do as you please.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (18 December 2017):

Ciar agony auntBeing an adult does not mean you're old enough to do whatever you want. It means that you are now of an age that you can and should be supporting yourself entirely.

If you're still living in your parents' house and going to school then you're doing the things a child does. There is no difference between you and a 10 year old save that you get to stay up later.

That extra freedom comes with the extra responsibilities of carrying your own weight and not relying on anyone else. When you're in a position to do that, then you can make all your own choices.

As far as his views on sex and how to behave, I couldn't agree with him more. We get thousands and thousands of questions from people (of all ages) who think and do just as you do then wonder why they end up in the messes they're in. Keep it simple.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (18 December 2017):

You are an adult in your eyes,in the eyes of the law too, but if you are still living with your parents they will still view you as their child. It is infantilising to living with your parents as they can always and legitimately say 'our house,our rules'. If you want to say to your father that you are an adult now and you can make your own decisions you must move out! When you have your own space you will feel like a grown up too. There are downsides- being an adult comes with rent and bills, contracts and liabilities and you'll have to weigh up whether this is a price worth paying for total autonomy from your dad. Good luck!

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