A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was 20 years old, I was dating a black girl (I am white). We did have sex and she ended up pregnant. Due to different reasons, we agreed to put the baby up for adoption (open adoption). My ex-girlfriend stayed in contact with the family (the family mailed her letters and photos of how she is doing). My daughter is now 18 years old and wants to meet me. She already met my ex-girlfriend (her biological mother) before the Coronavirus pandemic started.We have talked on the phone and when things settle down with the coronavirus pandemic, we plan to actually meet in person. The problems is I never told my parents that they have a granddaughter and she is biracial. How do I tell them about their granddaughter?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 December 2020):
 I'm interested to know why you haven't told your parents already?
I think that the only way to tell them, is to just; tell them. I don't think that anyone would be upset at the prospect of having another child to love and care about. That is, unless your parents are racist or will discriminate against her. I don't think that race should be a big issue but judging from your age, your parents are from a completely different time and perhaps you're afraid that they will not take it well. Either way, they deserve to know. Whether they like it, or not. Your daughter also deserves to find out who she is. I think that it's great that you're going to meet up but realise that there's a reason why she is choosing to go through the process of meeting her birth parents. She needs to be supported. It's more about her than anyone else. Which is why I say, to tell your parents because she deserves to be acknowledged as being yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): P.S.
Although you and your ex know she's your daughter; remove any doubt that can be thrown in her face by others. In the future, if you wish to leave her an inheritance, make her a beneficiary, or give her the right to claim a survivor's benefit; be sure she has a birthright! Give her the means to prove she is a legitimate heir and your offspring. Take a paternity test. Alleviate any question! If unforeseen medical-issues arise, you will also know you share DNA. It's the 21st-century!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2020): First, get to know your daughter! Minimize any controversy that could emanate from shock or any misgivings about the news. She should not be subjected to it by any means.
You don't really know her, accept for a few calls; and I think everything should move slowly and deliberately, for her sake.
She's old enough to understand things, but she should still be protected. If you weren't concerned about your family's reaction, you wouldn't be here. It's really not a big deal, she exists and that's that! I would recommend getting a paternity test; so other unforeseen events will not cause confusion or problems, as you both try to establish a relationship.
You cannot love someone you don't know; so don't get her hopes up by making promises you can't keep; and then go cold and distant like so many long-lost-and-found fathers do!!!
You cannot make up for lost time. You take one day at a time. Make no presumptions, and get the paternity test to make sure. It would be very hurtful for her to discover that you're not really her biological-father, long after establishing a relationship. It is not to insult her mother, it is to confirm things; so you can try and be the father that she never knew, but she has summoned the courage to meet. It couldn't have been easy for her mother, nor for her, to decide to go on this journey.
I wish you both the best. There is no reason to keep her a secret; but you shouldn't put her through any unnecessary trauma should it turn-out she isn't really your daughter; or she faces any rejection from your family. You can deal with that once you know all of this to be a fact. Be protective of her no matter what. She is only attempting to know her origins; that doesn't always have a happy ending. It depends on how you will handle it, and whether you're just curious; or if you genuinely wish to be accepted as her father, and you intend to accept her as your daughter.
She may only be curious, but she has every right to know who you are, and what her heritage is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2020): How about telling your mum to take a seat as you have some very exciting news to tell her.This gives her just a second to prepare for a shock!Then inform her it's good news as she will be fearing a catastrophe such as the death of a friend.When she begs to know you can tell her that your longlost daughter has finally found you at the age of 18yrs.I don't think it counts at all that she is biracial.That may have been an issue 200yrs ago but these days people integrate.Travel is easier and people from all over the world tend to settle all over the world.Unless you are really a screwed up person it would be an amazing bit of news to have suddenly found a lost close relative.Your mum is bound to wonder why you never spoke of the romance and why you never mentioned the child before.So think carefully about how you intend to explain it to your family and think of somewhere pleasant that you can all meet up.To be honest a burger bar is quite ok for these types of reunions.It doesn't have to be filled with violins and roses.A friendly smile is a good thing to start with when first meeting up.It would be wonderful if your early childhood sweetheart (the baby's mother) could be with you when you all link up together.I'm not sure if the etiquette involved but it seems possible to me that you could include a little gift for your daughter and her adoptive parents.That way no one is going to feel left out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2020): Doing a little arithmatics you must be 38 yrs old. Your parents must be in their mid sixties. You are all mature grown ups. I suggest you sit with your parents and tell them the truth as it is in a matter of factly way. I am certain they will be very interested and want to meet her. I don't see any problem only you don't say if you are married or not now. I assume you are not. Go ahead tell them don't be afraid they will be chuffed and want to meet her before Xmas.
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A
female
reader, icelordess +, writes (29 November 2020):
 I realize OP that you know your family and we don't but is there something that you haven't told us about your parents? Are they racist? Is there a reason why you are making it part of your question? I would hope that your parents would be happy and want to get to know their granddaughter, regardless of her race. Its going to be a shock to them, but it could be a wonderful surprise for them.
I would go to your parents and say something like "Hey, I have something that I need to share with you from my past. I am hoping that you be understanding and stand with me and support me. Then explain about your daughter and tell them that you are excited and happy and want them to be as well.
The rest is up to your parents. I hope that they will be loving and kind and welcome their granddaughter with open arms.
My ex husband's family had a similar situation. His oldest sister got pregnant at 17. This was back in the very early 60's. The family sent her away to have the baby, it was given up for adoption. It was never talked about and hidden away because she was a contender for Miss Carolina earlier in that year. Some of the siblings knew, my husband was very young and didn't know about the pregnancy.
When the daughter was in her mid 20's, she found her biological parents and wanted to meet with her mother and family. All the immediate family was told, and we got to meet her. She was a very lovely sweet intelligent young woman. We have all kept in touch with her over the years. She told us that she understand why she was given up for adoption and that it was probably the best thing that could have happened because her adoptive parents were quite wealthy, and she had got to travel all over the world, and had things that my ex sister in law would not have been able to give her. It was a happy reunion.
I hope yours will be happy as well OP. Remember, regardless of how your parents may act, she is your child. Treat her with love and kindness. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 November 2020):
 What does her being biracial have to do with anything?
SHE is your daughter!
If you can't tell them that she is a bit more ethnically "diverse" than you and them, maybe they don't deserve to met her!
I think IF you don't make a big deal out of it, maybe they won't either?
Also, perhaps start by telling them you have an 18 year old daughter that you are looking forward to meeting soon. Unless they are absolute bigots, why wouldn't they be EXCITED about having a grandchild?
Are YOU ashamed of her being biracial?
If not, stop making her "racial" make-up an issue!
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