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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'll try to make this short. Six years ago, I had a really close male friend ("Johnny"). I liked Johnny, he was a few years older than me, I was 15 at the time. He didn't like me as more than a friend, but we were friends with benefits. I remained a virgin, but we did a bit more than just making out.On 2006, Johnny introduced me to Frank, my now ex. Frank and I clicked immediately and 5 months later we were dating. When we started dating everything was perfect, except that Frank was a bit jealous, especially of Johnny. One day, when we had been dating for six months, he asked me if I had ever had something with Johnny. I answered, and he was hurt and upset that I hid that from him and "fooled him". From then on, I never spoke to Johnny until recently. Frank started inquiring about my past, despite the fact that I lost my virginity to HIM. I started lying, because I feared his reaction. He didn't trust me after that. He called me names, and I had to stop seeing friends and doing things. He became practically my everything. There was also physical abuse sometimes.Thing is, I could never be completely honest with him, not even now.My friends and family don't know that he hit me sometimes, but they know he was jealous of the past and thought it was ridiculous. A lot of my friends hate him and are glad that we're now broken up. His friends know nothing about it, so they think now he's the victim.Now that we broke up he's all hurt and he thinks I'm the bad guy. I hate seeing him suffer, but I also can't stand that it seems to be all my fault? I also lied about adding Johnny to facebook. I said Johnny had added me, but that's not true. Frank asked Johnny and Johnny told him the truth. Now Frank thinks I want "something" with Johnny while it's not true, all I want is a friend, not to feel so lonely, because being with him I had no one BUT him.I feel awful, how can I just end all this? How can I not care if Frank is hurt? It consumes my mind to think he's sad he came yesterday to see me and he was in tears! He really wanted to make it work this time, he seemed like he could change, but I don't believe him. My mom is also so sad because she really liked Frank, she even called him! I feel terribly guilty, like a bitch. What can I do in this situation? With all this? The guilt, the sadness, the love I still feel fro Frank? He thinks I want Johnny, but I don't, and no matter how many times I tell him, he doesn't believe me.I don't want anyone, really. I just want to be single and find myself again. I got too hurt during the relationship.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 May 2010):
 Anyone who hits you doesn't love you. That's my position. If he hits you and makes it seem like your fault, that goes double and I'd say he doesn't even like you.
Until he is willing to take responsibility for what he has done, he is a lost cause. Your past is not a problem, it's just that he had a problem with it. You adding Johnny is not a problem, it's just that he had a problem with it. Get the picture? It's not your fault that he can't deal with the past. You are not responsible for his feelings.
Frank knows you are sensitive, and he counts on it. He's playing on your emotions to get back in your good graces. The best thing you can do for yourself is to let your head rule your heart, and not let him get close to you again. It will hurt. It will be difficult. But a year from now, you will see how much better your life is without someone hurting you and blaming you for everything.
If you're close to your mom, I suggest you tell her everything that happened, including the physical abuse. It should change her mind about him right quick. In the meantime, rely on your friends; they care about you and want you to be happy. Be single for a while and enjoy the single life.
Good luck.
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