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My ex treats his present girlfriend so much better than he ever treated me!

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I dated a guy on and off for 3 years. I’m pretty sure he is a Narcissist by everything I’ve read and researched. I’m really trying to get over him and move on. I’m really hurt by how he is treating his new girlfriend. It’s seems like she is getting the best of him. While I got the crumbs. He hardly would drive the 30 mins to my house. (I have a nice place). He had every excuse in the book. It hurt my feelings how someone who “loves” me and wants to get married got mad when he had to put in effort. Now his new girlfriend lives out of state. 700 miles away. He buys plane tickets and flys there on his weekends off. Mind you this is a guy who always wanted to be with his family and not leave his town or his dog. So now he gets a dog/house sitter and leaves to go see her. She has children so she doesn’t come here as much. It is just so hurtful and of course it makes me feel like she must be so much better than me since he willingly does that. I know this because of Facebook and he actually has told me. He also has her all over Facebook when before he never posted much of anything. I’m just down and sad. Looking for some encouragement. Thank you

View related questions: facebook, move on

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly it is not your problem it is his! You done the right thing ending it if you where not happy. Yes I can imagine it will hurt seeing him make an effort with someone else, he could be doing this to hurt you further and 'show' you that he is capable of doing more or it could be a genuine case that he is happier in this relationship. Either way you are much better out of it and it is time to get him off social media and out of your life! Block him from messaging and calling, it won't do you any good hearing from him and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2018):

It’s just a fact of life that some people sometimes get better in the next relationship, either because they get wiser, get older and make more money, or there could just be different chemistry.

I have an ex who drove to see me two hours away at least twice a week. Why? Because he didn’t make such an effort to drive even just one hour to see HIS ex-girlfriend in his last relationship before me, which was the the foundational reason it didn’t work out for them. Lucky me? Well, he and I then broke up because he was super critical of me. So maybe (and I sincerely hope) he learned his mistake in randomly putting me down to treat his next girlfriend better (and continue to make an effort to drive to see her).

So your ex may have learned and is now better.... maybe he’s making more money so he can afford to see her more often. I hope this makes you feel better, but your next boyfriend might be wonderful to you because HE messed up with HIS ex after SHE sweat blood and tears to make him a better person.

I’ve definitely been there with my exes. Taught them how to treat women better and man it sucks when it doesn’t work out because it’s a waste for you (but hopefully a gift to other women ha).

I’m not trying to say bad things about men, it’s just that I date only men and can only speak of my exes who happen to be men. It’s a fact, all of us, men and women, do learn from relationships. I’d like to think I’m not so dramatic and overly sensitive in relationships based on what I’ve leaened from being with my exes, so thank you to them!

I sincerely hope you meet someone who’s learned enough life lessons to treat you like a queen!

(And also, stay away from Facebook! You’ll find someone you have better chemistry with, best of wishes!)

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 July 2018):

Need I say stop stalking him on Facebook? He was toxic-waste in your life; and you finally got rid of him.

You weren't a good match. The timing and circumstances under-which you tried to have a relationship were not conducive to a healthy and flourishing love-connection. He was a bad-choice for you; but a good-choice for her. Maybe he learned something from you that made him a better man. Then just maybe it's all fake; and only a matter of time before he shows his true-colors. He was once lovable when you first met; then he became toxic. You had to let him go.

Your reasoning was that he was a terrible boyfriend. For you, anyway!

People do change, and they also learn from their mistakes. He may actually care more for the new girlfriend; but honestly, who cares??? He's out of your life, and if you weren't stalking someone you consider a narcissist on FB; you wouldn't know one way or another about him, nor his new girlfriend.

It can be safely presumed that you have your ways as well. Just because you get to tell your one-sided story, doesn't mean we have to believe he was 100% all you've described him to be. You're writing a post about an EX-boyfriend and his NEW girlfriend. I would expect a great deal of bias in your post. He doesn't get to defend himself, or tell his side.

You would do so much better, and recover so much quicker; if you simply stopped following him on Facebook.

Pretend he was abducted by hostile beings from another world; and taken to be dissected, poked, and probed for the rest of his life. A living-specimen for alien experiments.

Come-on, his life is no longer any of your business! If he is good to her, maybe he's getting the professional-help he needed. Wish him well, and forget about him.

Delete him from your memory, and do your best to get-on with your life. Move on and pursue your own happiness. If you're working on yourself to be the best woman you can be; you will find a wonderful guy who will treat you much better than he did. You wouldn't have the idle-time to be studying his life.

Why are you spying on him? Don't you see something unhealthy about that? Not only that; but you're torturing yourself emotionally. A narcissist would love knowing he still has that power over you.

If he's a narcissist as you say; knowing he's getting to you with all the publicity on Facebook, is giving him a wealth of narcissistic-supply. He knows you well, and just how to get under your skin.

He probably knows you're given to snooping on him; so he's going to put-on a good show completely for your benefit. Then again, it may be completely everything it appears to be, and he's very happy. What do you care? You're not his girlfriend anymore, and he's history.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2018):

Thank you for the replies ! I agree how a long distance relationship for him is actually “better” because he doesn’t have to do the day to day things, and be emotionally involved. That makes so much sense. I’m not going to look on his FB anymore. It does no good. It’s facabook Fantasy anyways. Someone asked , and yes I did the breaking up. He wanted to get married and I couldn’t since my needs were not being met and he didn’t seem to care. Not to mention the roller coaster of a relationship. That is why all my research led me to Narcissism.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2018):

Don't be so hard on yourself. It has nothing to do with you, or her. I believe it has to do with TIMING. He most likely grew up and matured. He realized his wrong and is taking steps to make himself a better person and a better partner.

My situation is the same, only I am the 'new girlfriend'. His ex treated him and his family very well. Everyone was upset when they broke up. When they heard that he was dating me, long distance relationship, 3,000 miles away, they thought he'd treat me worst than his ex. But to their surprise, he changed to be a better boyfriend, a better son to his parents, and a better brother to his siblings. They were in awe that a girl 3,000 miles away could change him. Honestly, I did nothing. It was TIMING... he decided he wanted to change and he did. In the past 5yrs he stayed committed to me and is an amazing boyfriend. In the past, he would yell and curse at his ex.. not once in the past 5yrs had he even raised his voice at me.

Please don't compare your relationship with him to the relationship he has now.. they are different in every aspect. What him and you had, he will not have with his new gf.. Believe that your Mr. Right will come, in the meantime, love and pamper yourself!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 July 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI know how you feel, truly. I was in a similar position when I was in my 20s. I met I guy for whom I would have walked over hot coals. He treated me VERY badly, cheating on me all over the place and lying to me about the cheating. Eventually he left me for a married woman with kids, with whom he was having an affair. They eventually got married. It took me years to get over him, to accept that he never wanted kids with ME but was happy to take on hers and also to have another one with her. Years down the line, he contacted me via social media, telling me how he had never forgotten me. Luckily I was a lot older and a lot more sensible by then, and knew my worth. I very politely told him he was a part of my past I had absolutely no desire to revisit. I never heard from him again and it felt great to have given him the brush off.

He may be treating the other woman better than you at present but he will eventually revert to type. Don't envy her for getting your cast off. Accept that, while his behaviour was no reflection on your worth, you ALLOWED him to treat you badly. Once you accept that this was a lesson for you to learn and vow never to allow anyone to treat you in any way which is less than what you deserve, you will assign him to the past where he belongs and move on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2018):

Get him off your Facebook, block him and don't look, he is probably trying to rub your nose in it and to hurt you. The man is an arse and you are falling right into his manipulative behavior, you want him because he is a bastard and you want him to love you.

Well he is what he is and he won't change, block him and let his fantasy world continue without you in the wings, you know what he is like, count yourself lucky you are free to move on and meet a nice guy, she has not bagged herself a catch now has she

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2018):

You don't say who ended your relationship or how it ended. If you ended it, then this will add to what I am going to say about him needing to put on a great show of having changed - he will be doing this anyway, but if you ended it, he really will have a need to try to show to others that he is 'more' because he will be narcissistically wounded.

Even if you did not end it, if he is a narcissist, you can 100% guarantee that whatever he is doing with this new woman is all for show, and part of that show may also be to do with needing to hurt you retrospectively, because he feels narcissistically wounded by the split up. Do NOT take this to mean he is trying to hurt you because you made a mistake and he really does love you - he doesn't, he's just a narcissist.

It's very significant that she's a mother too. Broadly speaking, mothers (not all though) can be prone to accepting men who are basically 'big kids' because, as mothers', they've already learned to be exceptionally resilient and they are the ones who do the giving - often they are so extremely grateful for any attention at all that he will receive a huge narcissistic reward for very little effort. AND if you think that traveling so far to see her is a sign of devotion and huge effort the I suggest you re-think that - narcissists love things like this because it is the easy way for people to think they are sincere. In fact, traveling can be a way to cover up inner emptiness and boredom and it also relates to the idea that he will go for a long distance relationship because it won't demand the same kind of intimacies (which narcissists hate) that come with real relationships.

Wise up to the idea that narcissists go for unavailable people - its one of the biggest signs of a narcissist - and by unavailable I mean this can happen in different ways - the other person can be literally geographically distant, or they may have a status that should not allow for certain relationships eg. tutor / student or doctor / patient, or that person may be mentally ill (and therefore, distant and unavailable due to being unwell), or they may ALSO be a narcissist and, for that reason, will be unavailable, even if they seem locked into a passionate relationship - it may be intense, but I can guarantee it will be very one-dimensional - the passion and intensity will make for a roller coaster ride that I personally wouldn't want for myself - been there and done that. These different forms of unavailability are massively attractive to narcissists because they get off on the excitement of trying to overcome the boundary / unavailability - it's a bit like being in perpetual "chase" mode, but without the commitment of settling down - BUT, they never can because they simply don't have the full emotional range of other healthy people.

Honestly, he will not have changed inside, only changed his tactics to make himself look better and only due to being narcissistically wounded. You'd be better of un-friending him from Facebook - all you are doing is perpetuating your own hurt AND feeding his ego and possible need to keep hurting you with this display. Think about why you attracted a narcissist in the first place and focus on how your own behaviours got you into the mess you were in with him and how they may well keep you there unless you yourself change.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2018):

It's a well known tactic of abusers and narcissists that they treat their next girlfriend better than the last one, just to piss the last one off!

He lets the ex know he is treating the next girlfriend better, so that he can stay in her head and get her wondering WHY?? You have actually said that he TOLD you about travelling to see her. He's not stupid. He knows that this is going to piss you off and keep you wondering and thinking and obsessing over him!

These kinds of men like to remain in as many women's minds as possible. It makes them feel good and powerful.

You're playing right into his hands!

He's posting and writing on Facebook, very aware that YOU are reading it!

Stop letting him win! Remember the bad stuff. Poor other lady has it now. She'll be wishing she was you soon!

And as others have said, STOP looking on Facebook, STOP giving him the power to hurt you. If you don't know what he's doing, it can't hurt you and you will slowly start to find YOU again. Slowly start to think about you and YOUR life again. And what a relief that will be!

And how miffed he will be when he realises that he's not getting to you anymore. That you don't know what he's doing and furthermore, you don't care!

Good luck.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhy cares, OP?

He is your ex and you really should stop stalking his Facebook. It only rubs salt in your wound and you won't move forward when you are so busy "analyzing" and stalking your ex.

He didn't treat you right and it ended so you NEED to let it go. YOU didn't "make" him treat you bad, that was HIS choice - you might have let him get away with it for a while but ULTIMATELY the only person responsible for HIS behavior is HIM.

If he is being nicer to her, doesn't mean that YOU deserved the worse treatment and she doesn't. It doesn't mean that she is "better" than you. It just means he has changed tactics.

What people post of Facebook is not reality. It's the thing you DO want others to see. To make YOUR (not you, general you) life seems more interesting and better than those around you. People who "live" on social media are their own spin-doctors.

If he REALLY is a narcissist, then you didn't LOSE some great guy and she didn't GAIN a great guy.

Let him go. Stop online stalking him and work on moving on. It's ABSOLUTELY out of your control who he dates, how he treats her and ANYTHING that pertains to HIS life.

SO STOP wasting your time and life on a guy who DID NOT deserve you.

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