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I don't want to ruin my future with this guy by not making the right choice. What should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 July 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year but we've known each other for three years as we met at university. He is starting a masters degree this year, whereas I've decided to go straight into employment. His masters is at a university over three hours away from my home, he has said that he doesn't want to be long distance and that I should move in with him near his university. I don't know what to do because I don't want to be apart from him as we've been used to seeing each other every day at university. If I decide to move i'll be far away from my family, and my friends think that we haven't been together long enough to move in with each other. I really don't know what to do, I feel if I don't move in with him we'll grow apart but I don't know if its too soon to move in together aged 22? We'd only be moving in together for a year while he completed his studies therefore part of me feels like I should go for it, but with my friends putting me off its a hard decision to make. Also I currently don't have any work lined up so my financial situation is not the best at the moment, although he has said he could support us until I find work. I do see a future with him and don't want to ruin this if I make the wrong choice, what should I do?

View related questions: long distance, university

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to make the decision for yourself. While it is okay to listen to your friends family and boyfriend and take on board what they are saying, don't allow them to influence your decision. You need to take some time and think about it. What is it that you want? Are there job opportunities where he is based? Personally I think its a bad idea to move there if you have not already found employment, as you really don't want to be relying on him to support you. As nice as it was for him to offer, its a case that down the line he could resent you for it or use it against you in the future. Do what is right for you. As for moving in to soon together, you have been together for over a year and you are 22 so I don't see why it is to soon. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time three months after being together, everyone thought we where mad but I had got a job working with children in special needs and he wanted to move with me and look for work. Yes living together is much different than spending lots of time together, however it really does make you see if the relationship is working or not.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 July 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think this is one of those situations where you have pretty much equal risks whichever decision you make.

If you decide to stay put and not move in with him, you will probably drift apart. As he does not want a long distance relationship, he is unlikely to put much effort into keeping the relationship going. The fact that he is so against this, even though it is only a year (less when you consider term time), would raise serious red flags for me and make me wonder if he was as committed to the relationship as you are.

If you do move away (you have nothing to stop you, except your fear of failure and your friends' well-meaning advice), the relationship MAY work out or it may NOT. I am sure you realise there are no guarantees in life, especially where relationships are concerned. It could turn out you two don't get on once you are living together. It could turn out you see sides to his character which make you realize he is NOT the guy for you. On the other hand, it could turn out really well and could strengthen your relationship.

If he is only staying in the area for a year, what would you do about employment? What are his long term plans? Is he going to expect you to uproot and follow him wherever he decides to go?

You are young. You have the whole of your life ahead of you. Listen to your gut instinct (we have one for good reason) and go with whatever you feel is right for you - regardless of how long you have been in the relationship and what your friends advise.

Remember, no decision is irreversible. You can always change your mind further down the line if you decide you make the wrong one.

Good luck.

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntI kind of think 3 hours is a long way to commute every weekend, if you will be doing that to spend time with him. Who do you spend more time with, him or your friends and family? You can either be closer to him or friends/family, and commute to see the other person/s. 3 hours isn't too far away, but I'd live closer to the person/s you hang around with the most, then you won't need to travel so often.

If you are like me, you'll spend most time with your boyfriend and see family or friends once a week or fortnight, depending on how busy you are. So it makes more sense to live with him, or near to him. Then you can travel to see friends and family once a week or fortnight. Perhaps your friends are reluctant to lose you, and that could be why they are trying to get you to stay near to them.

You are 22 so you are old enough to decide for yourself what you want. It sounds like your boyfriend really wants you to be near him, which is lovely. It also sounds like your friends to too. So I can understand your dilemma. But at the end of the day, you will not be so far apart from either that you will lose touch, as long as you make an effort to meet up.

So decide what you want. It is for just a year, after all. Why not apply for jobs in both places and see what offers you get? That might help to make a decision. After all, your boyfriend chose his home, based on his career, so you can do the same. Just make sure you make an effort to stay close to him, whatever you decide.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (7 July 2018):

Never depend on anyone else to support you financially. You're an adult now. Your priority right-now is to find yourself gainful-employment. Three hours is not that far; and if you find a job, you'll probably get to see each other mostly on weekends and days off. Unless he has a really good-paying full-time job, while working towards his masters; how will he afford to support you?

He couldn't find a university closer; but places you in the position to have to decide to follow him. If you have doubt, then don't do it. Three hours isn't that far to travel on weekends; and it will be for only a year. If he considers a three-hour drive long-distance; I don't think he's that committed to the relationship. I think he really would rather end it, and he's leaving you the one to have to follow him. Knowing that's a tough-choice for you is awfully convenient for him! He's placing you in a predicament.

If you move-in jobless, and things don't workout. You'd have to move back broken-hearted and jobless. That's a pretty heavy burden on someone so young. I think it would be better to be able to support yourself, and not struggle on a single income.

Say you move in, and you didn't find a job within the span of a year. Then what? Leaving home without a job waiting for you is always a risky choice. You might try finding a job near him first, and moving-in will depend on that.

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