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anonymous
writes: I’m not far off 30, tried not to move out of home too soon, get pregnant young or get married to the wrong person, but now I am ready to settle down & make a life with someone.I fell in love at 17 in a 2 yr relationship with someone who felt just as strongly over me, it was the best relationship I have ever had, life (everyday) was great and so was the passion but We broke up because we were too young to settle down for life.We have always kept in contact & discussed giving it another chance but I worried what people would think & was frightened of being hurt again so I never allowed it to happen, although deep down inside I was screaming for someone to say its OK to try again we'll still be here for you if it goes wrong.We both dated other people & I had some awful relationships. Now I’m with someone now who treats me like gold & I’m generally the happiest I’ve been since my x at 17.However my present relationship faces major problems: My boyfriend has large debts & we have no sex whatsoever.My boyfriend has been trying to clear his debts for yrs so we're not able to go out; unfortunately he now owes more than ever because another loan he failed to tell me about has been called for. We have no sex because neither of us are bothered & although I’m not bothered with this boyfriend I know it can be fantastic because it was with my x when I was 17.During the time I have been with my present boyfriend, my x moved on which I should have expected but for some reason didn’t. After two weeks of him being with a woman she fell pregnant. My X is now has a baby who he loves & sees every Saturday, he is also in a relationship of 4 mths, but he still wants to get back with me. Now all of my friends are settled/settling down I've realised they've done what’s right for them without a care for other people & I wonder why I didn't do what I wanted in the past which was to give me and my x another chance. I may have been able to stop him having a baby & I wouldn’t be stuck in a relationship that has problems.I feel that if I don't give my x a chance that we'll be gone from each others lives for good, I want to move on with my life so desperately to make a life with someone that I love.It's not possible to move on with my present boyfriend and won't be for yrs yet. Although I could move out by myself it's not what I had planned for myself. I still have a chance with my x boyfriend, someone I loved so much, who doesn’t have money issues & who I used to have excellent sex with. If I don't give it a chance with my x am I biting my nose off to spite my face?I am scared of making the wrong decision because my present boyfriend is so loving, he has never hurt me & I have the deepest feeling he never would, unlike my x who had hurt me in the past. Everyone also knows my present boyfriend is someone who would never hurt a soul, I am so lucky to have him and he supports me in all I do; there are a lot of things right in our relationship but something feels missing! What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2005): try and get back with him if he still loves you. after all he has known you for 3yrs instead of trying another new relationship.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (7 March 2005):
 I think really the best thing to do is to let your ex go and make your present relationship work. You may not like to hear this but if you did get back with your ex, there could be so much heartache. For example, your boyfriend would be devastated which he wouldn't deserve, you could end up getting hurt again as it seems your previous relationship was based more so on passion and you need more than that to make it work, there is a baby to consider and your ex has a girlfriend so she could get hurt too.It doesn't matter what other people think; you need to feel happy but I think you need some support. You need to get the intimacy back into your relationship. One step could be to consider going to Relate. Another idea could be to see a debt counsellor. You both need to get this sorted; it seems your boyfriend has a few problems handling money but with your support, this could be better organised so that you both have more of a life togther. It is important that you can go out together and enjoy each others company.You both need to introduce into your relationship some of the passion that it lacking. This way you wouldn't be thinking so much about your ex. Ask your boyfriend what he wants. He must be feeling some of what you are feeling too. Make the effort to make love with him. Try just caressing each other to begin with and get reacquainted with each others bodies.You need to both sit down and discuss what you want and how you both feel. I wish you luck.
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