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My ex is ruining my current relationship!

Tagged as: Sex, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 December 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2010)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

my ex is going to end up ruining my current relationship because she fucked with my self esteem

my current gf brought up a threesome today and i was all for it but at 1 in the morning i woke up at 1 and was and am freaking out now what if she gets something from the other person that i dont give her?

I am pretty sure this has something to do with how my ex always made me feel about myself telling me i wasnt as big as her ex and that made me small. To be honest i dont even care i want my gf to be happy and i want to be the one who makes her happy and i know im not small plus i have a couple other things im good with

but how do i get around what my ex is doing to my head. And why am i so nervous i know i love her and want to be with her and vice versa

View related questions: her ex, my ex, self esteem, threesome

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010):

Its not your insecurities kicking in. Its your common sense. If the thought of sharing her with others is bothering you now, before anything has even happened. Then dont do it. Im secure and love my boyfriend. The thought of seeing him having sex with other women does not turn me on. Id be heartbroken/disgusted. Threesome can only really work when you have nothing to lose.

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A female reader, largentsgirl89 United States +, writes (8 December 2010):

largentsgirl89 agony auntI think it's perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling in this situation. Any person, even the most confident one, would question their performance in bed if their gf/bf asked for a threesome with another man/woman.

It implies that they need more that they aren't currently getting and that is really insulting (at least to me). I don't think your ex is in play here right now, I believe it's a response to your gf's question of having a threesome. And now you are questioning (at least subconciously) why she wants or even needs to have a threesome in the first place.

1. Do you feel comfortable enough to have a threesome with your girlfriend? If she focuses all her attention on the other person (which happens alot) are you going to be okay with that?

2. Do you love your gf? Unconditionally? As in you can't imagine being with out her?

3. Can you remain emotionally unattached to this other person? Even while engaging in something intimate like sex? Completely unattached, no affection?

4. Are you prepared to lose your gf to this other person? This happens in most cases of couples who engage in threesomes. One person of the couple gives more attention to the "new" guy/girl because they are new.

There are couples out there who engage in threesomes successfully. But they are really truly in love with their partner that they already have and they remain truly unattached to the third party.

IF you can't do that. DO NOT have a threesome, no matter how much your gf begs you too or how much she says it will make her happy. It will ruin your relationship with her if you have a threesome and you can't do the aforementioned. It's inevitable.

By the way, if my significant other told me that they needed to have a threesome to be happy I would tell them bye bye. If you aren't enough for her and you aren't comfortable with this and she can't understand that, then leave.

Good luck.

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (8 December 2010):

k_c100 agony auntIt is not your ex that is causing you to be insecure about a threesome - this is perfectly natural to feel this way and 99.9% of all other men would feel the same way.

Why? Because your girlfriend has asked to have sex with another man/woman. Threesomes only ever ruin relationships, they are a bad idea and always create a whole heap of problems. Yes they seem like fun, and in porn they can be really exciting. But in real life, you just create issues in the relationship that never needed to be there.

The only time a threesome could ever work is if the three people involved only were friends, or acquaintances - because there is no feelings involved, it is just sex. But when two of the three supposedly love each other, you just end up with jealousy, trust issues, questions about sexual satisfaction....I cannot begin to tell you how bad an idea this is!

Did your girlfriend explain why she wants a threesome? Did she specify if it was with a male or female?

There are plenty of things you can do to spice up your sex life that does not involve another person - to want to introduce another person to the bedroom indicates that your girlfriend is having some sort of problems with your relationship, possibly she is just a promiscous person and wants to sleep around and is bored of sex with one need to get to the bottom of why she wants to do this. If she says 'because it will be fun' - ask why she thinks having sex with someone else is fun. Because it is not fun, it is cheating. Regardless of if your partner is present or not, having sex with someone else is a massive indicator that there are problems in the relationship.

So dont worry about your ex, she is not the problem at all here. It is your current girlfriend you need to worry about!

I hope this helps and good luck!

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