A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex as i found information she was cheating on me. she denies it and still does a month later (she was telling another guy "i love you"). the problem now is that she is pregnant. apparently the docs were able to tell her the exact date she got pregnant, and it lines up... im just not sure whether to believe it is mine, except for the fact that we talked about it and she has agreed to have an abortion. i dont know if she has agreed because she already has one small child and cant take care of another, doesnt know who the father is, knows that even when we were together i didnt want a child and wasnt even sure if i would deal with hers. I want her to have this abortion, the problem is that first, i am TERRIFIED that she will decide to keep it, and second that i am currently having no problem with the fact that she will have an abortion. does that make me a bad person? My reasons for wanting this are: I have never wanted to be a father at any point in my life, and do not want to be one in the future, i have been out of full-time work for almost a year and have no means to support a child, i have no desire to be in this childs life if she did have it (and it turns out i am the father), and finally I believe VERY strongly that people who have kids should raise the the RIGHT WAY in a stable 2-parent household, and i know that if she has this baby it will be hard for her, her child, and for our child.
View related questions:
abortion, broke up, my ex, no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 November 2007):
 You mentioned her changing her mind when the decision time came up with adoption. You can sign a contract which if her mind was changed that would still relieve you of responsibility. It's a way of terminating your rights if the original agreement to adoption is changed by the opposite party.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the post behind this entitled "anonymous" i say the following: I apreciate evryones input on this situation very much, and I wouldn't have posted my situation publicly had i not been prepared to have it scrutinized from many angles. what i do have a problem with however is people that make uninformed statements. anon, you say that marrying this girl is the better thing to do. please think about what you say. do you really believe that marrying a girl that has cheated on me is a smart thing to do? obviously, all that would lead to is nonstop intermarital conflict to which both children would be witness. not only this, but i dont even know if this child is mine! and im certainly not going to stick it out for 9 months, become emotionally invested only to find out the kid isnt mine. Let me be very clear, i never EVER wanted to be in this situation where i had to make/support a decision to abort a child. EVER. i dont want anyone to die, (even if there are doubts that the baby would be carried to term anyway...) I am not the one who made this decision. if you read my original post carefully, you would see that. she told me she had made the decision to have an abortion the same day she finally told me she was pregnant. my concern was that i had no problem with this, and my absence of guilt was concerning me. DID I MENTION I AM NOT EVEN SURE THAT IT IS MINE?Finally, get your facts straight. medicaid is a program for which you have to qualify for based on economic standing to have ANY procedure taken care of. and no, it does not pay for all pregnancy expences. if it did, it would only be delivery, and if that, it would probably only pay a portion. think about it, do you realize what the burden on the healthcare system would be if they paid for every birth to an unwed mother in the country? THINK before you SAY. even so, if the birth were taken care of, what does the government provide for the wellbeing of the child after the fact? little... just enough to get by. even if she were willing to accept state-aid, which she isnt, because we have discussed it and why she isnt using it for her current child, she makes too much money to qualify. if you knew anything about the system or socioeconomic wellfare programs in this counrty you'd know about the "missing class" who are people that are to poor to have the proper opportunities, but make to much to qualify for state aid. Finally, i am not trying to fool anyone. if i werent willing to be completely honest and open on this site, what would be the point of spending all this time here? to the best of my knowledge i have not contradicted myself, and have put my viewpoints, and reasons out there for the general public regardless of how unpopular they might be.if you really think that kids from single parent homes are as well adjusted youre simply wrong. and yes, i have referances and statistics to support this. PM me if you would like them.The situation here is that believe it or not, i do have morals, and a conscience, and a heart, which is why i dont want an child who MAY be mine being raised by a girl i cannot trust, therefore cannot be with, who will have a hard time raising the child on her own, and who will not raise the child the way i believe they should be raised with the opportunities i want my child to have. PLUS having this child would further reduce her current child's quality of life.If you really believe that this is solely her decision you represent everything that is wrong with abortion issues in this country. If you really believe that all fathers dont care, or are absentees, or are unwilling to change their lifestyles for the sake of their responsibilities you are wrong. Unfortunately the way the biology cards fell benefit the mother in the eyes of the law, and there is currently no way to force a mother to do anything that a father wants while she is pregnant. That is the way of things, and we have to accept it. However, to disregard a fathers importance in the upbringing of a child is folly, and to say that the father is the only one at fault for pregnancy is ignorance at its finest. to be honest yes, it is sad that women have to bear most of the emotional trauma from an abortion, but thats the way the biology cards fell. belive me, if there was a way to absorb some of that on her behalf i would. and while most guys whould let a girl in this situation, who cheated on them, deal with it on her own... but since i DO have a conscience, i am willing to support her as much as i can, despite the fact that that this was ultimately HER decision, and despite that i dont feel she is 100% entitled to my support because of what she did.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): I think it's b.s. you say that you are only concerned for the baby's future and you don't want it to be brought up out of wedlock & in a single parent home. If that were the case you'd step up and marry her for the sake of the baby. You want it dead because it's convenient and easy for you. That is the bottom line. And as far as her not having insurance, medicaid pays all expenses for single pregnant woman. So there goes that excuse. How is it better for the child to kill it than to let it live even out of wedlock or in a single parent home? Millions of people are raised by unwed single parents and they're fine. I think you're trying to fool people, maybe even yourself by using this "morals" excuse because you feel like a piece for trying to have your own baby offed. It's her decision, and I hope she does what she feels is right for her and the baby.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso, breebree... thank you for your input. i wanted to let you know that i had considered asking her to put the baby up for adoption. i decided against it for a number of reasons... the most significant being that if she has it, i honestly believe that even if we had adoptive parents lined up, by the time she carried it to term, i know her, and she would definitely chance her mind within the 72 hour consent time period. not only would this crush the adoptive parents (and i really dont want to hurt anyone else) but it would mean that my child were being raised in a single parent household with another 1/2 sibling out of wedlock. i have a moral objection to this. and if there was any chance at all that she would give it up, she would want an open adoption, which would be confusing for our child and her daughter. i dont want that because it would only set up our child for MAJOR abandonment issues. second, i know that she would have to stop working if she were pregnant. she is a model, and showing or gaining weight while pregnant would seriously jeapordize the income she generates for her current child. she doesnt have insurance, nor do i, and theres no way both of us together could foot the bill. (her parents are dead, and her grandparents supported her through her first pregnancy, they didnt want her to have that one, and certainly wouldnt/couldnt do so again). and finally, i am afraid of my attachment. if it is taken care of now, i think its better for both of us emotionally than putting the kid up for adotion. that being said, just as you know kids from adoptive families who are well adjusted, i know personally many who are not. several of whom i went to school with or were friends with for breif periods of time, and one of whom i dated who was EXTREMELY poorly adjusted, and was a direct result of being adopted... abandonment issues etc... she married a guy thats 18 years older than her. belive me, i have considered it at length, and although i think adoption is a great thing in many circumstances, its not necessarilry always a positive thing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto respond to your answers, first of all thank you to everyone, your feedback, even the once negative feedback i got was appreciated. i didnt want it to sound like this was a decision i am taking lightly. i care very much about the girl, but as i have been cheated on in past relationships, i am not willing to forgive her or try to repair a situation i know will never work. that being said, i am going to be there for her, if she allows me to be, and i am going to pay for the procedure. i will also be available for her in the future if she has trouble dealing with the emotional effects she will almost certainly have.
additionally, i want to be very clear that this is not a situation i wanted to be in EVER. i was always loyal to her, and i certainly didnt want to have my first, and possibly only experience with children/pregnancy to be negative as this is. i certainly feel guilty that this is the way it happened. if this was a girl i could trust, and a girl i loved, there would be options to discuss, and if she and i planned on a future together, i would certinly entertain the idea of having it. the bottom line is that this wasnt a relationship that was going to work before i found out she might have been cheating on me! and for the record, we were using contraception. not only that but she had intended to get the morning after pill as the sex took place at her most fertile time. unfortunately we broke up on the same day we last slept together, and with everything that took place, she forgot to get the pill. incidentally, the docs said this was the same day she got preganant.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (16 November 2007):
You're not a bad person for wanting her to have an abortion, what may make you a bad person is if the baby was born and you turning your back on it.
What may also make you a bad person is if you were to let something similar happen again. You cant control what has happened but you can control what may happen in the future, so maybe you need to re look at what precautions you should take next time in order to stop this happening again. Personaly, I would say that using a condom AND the girl going on the pill is the best and most easiest way. But thats just my opinion. Have a talk to your doctor about it, or do some research. Also talk about it with whoever you sleep iwht next...
You said you have doubts about why she actually wants the abortion. So far, what has she told you her reasons are for it? I think that the fact that you don't want the baby has probably played a major role in influencing her decision to have an abortion.
I know it must be scary that there is a chance she will keep this baby, but I guess all you can do is tell her your reasons for why you think it is a bad idea and hope that you doesn't change her mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, BreeBree +, writes (16 November 2007):
Of course you are not a bad person for thinking about what kind of life the baby would have.
There are many good reasons for getting an abortion and I don't think people who get them are "bad" in any way. It is very much so accepted in this society. I do thing that if your girlfriend would be interested in it, adoption would be a better way to go. Just because the baby may have a hard life doesn't mean it should be killed. And an abortion can be traumatic for the woman - some obviously don't have a problem with it, some really really do, even if they didn't expect to. Politically, I am pro-life. I think that there lies a lot of potential in every child and because I know so many paretns who are infertile and can't have children who really want them. I have a couple friends who were adopted when they were babies, and they are amazing people and have enriched my life. It was really heroic for their biological parents to give them up to have a better life. These two individuals I know both contribute to the world in a really positive way and I think it would be at tragedy if they didn't get to live.
So, that is why I think adoption is a good choice. As for you being a bad person, you seem like you have kind reasons for wanting to abort the baby.
***also, peoples on this website. 50% of accidental pregnancies resulted when the couple was using birth control.
...............................
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (16 November 2007):
 If he is advising her to get an abortion because he did not want any kids than more than likely the possibilty of the baby being his is there. I do not think anyone is advising him not to have sex, but I suggested that he always use contraception and make sure that his partner is on birth control. That is double the protection and he can protect himself. A women can tell a man I am on the pill, but can he trust what she says. A lady the other day posted a question about tricking her husband into getting her pregnant. So the man he should protect himself, if he does not want to have any children,because at the end of the day its her body and she has the final word on whether she will terminate the pregnancy or not.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (16 November 2007):
 This guy doesnt even know its his, for all any of us know he could have been using proper birth control. You can't tell somebody who doesnt want children they cant have sex in this day and age when there are plenty of methods of effective birth control...
...............................
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (16 November 2007):
After reading your post I hope that you have learned your lesson. And you had better hope that this women keeps her word and gets rid of the baby like she said she would. Ultimately it is her decision and she might change her mind. The best way for you ensure that you do not have any children is to use protection and on top of that make sure your partner is on birth control. The way you feel does not make you a bad man but it does make you an irresponsible man.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 November 2007):
Here is what does make you wrong in your thinking. If you don't want children, now or in the future, then you don't insert part A into part B.
You are an extremely self centered person. In all of this, you only talk about how you don't want a child, and don't think she can care for another child. At no time did you mention your worries about how having an abortion may affect the child's mother. How is she going to feel with the body tricks. The baby's gone, so milk is developed because the body senses it as if the child was born, same with her emotions and motherly instinct, the body reacts as if there was a baby and not that it was terminated.
What about the years of psychological trauma many women suffer because of having an abortion. That trauma is much greater than giving a child up for adoption, and can last for a great many years.
So if she does abort, who's going to pick up the bill, who's going to pay for the psychiatric treatment, possibly medication, and if she develops post traumatic stress disorder from this, which you would be 1/2 responsible, are you going to stop up LIKE A MAN and pick up half the bill, or just go about your marry way possibly knocking up the next one? And before this happens again, GET FIXED.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 November 2007):
Well you are going to get a load of contending view points on this one I think but my personal opinion is that no, it doesnt make you a bad person and that the reasons you give for wanting her to not have it are very valid.
I understand a 'right to life' point of view but find to be honest that that POV treats life as a biological consideration and fails to take into account the question of 'life' meaning something more qualative. All the factors you outline of this circumstance make the probabability that this kid would at the very least have a hard life and maybe even have a childhood which leaves them with permanent emotional scars, all of which will give them a dubious and debateable quality of life.
Abortion isnt something that should be treated lightly but there is no doubt in my mind that there are circumstances where it is lesser amoung evils and a regrettable but necessary course of action; you have weighed everything carefully and have taken a hard path but I think it may well be the right one under the circumstances. Good luck.
...............................
|
