A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I used to have this "friends with benefits" relationship with a cowoker. We are still close friends, but stopped with the sex. I am now dating this guy's best friend. I love him and he is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. We're together for almost a year. He knows about the history between me and his friend, but he trusts us both.This friend, he is very... specific. He often has sexual remarks and noone is surprised to see him running around naked at parties. He's a really good guy, but has his own moral standards and sex is a good thing whatever the circumstances in his book. He has a girlfriend, but despite that he tried to talk me into sex, later saying he was only testing me on behalf of his friend. He often tells me how "hot" I am or otherwise shows interest even though I explained that I will never cheat on my boyfriend many times already. He says "OK, he's a lucky guy" and by next month the topic is open again.Those two know each other since they were kids and talk of each other as a brother. I would never want to stand between them. As far as I know, the friend dosen't consider what he's doing wrong, he says it's only natural. I don't feel threatened by him in any way, though, it's just slightly uncomfortable. And I hope he got the message this time, we talked about it at great lenght last week. I think it would hurt my boyfriend really bad if I told him. But I also want to be honest with him and it stopped feeling like "nothing" a while ago. What do you think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): The guy has psychopathic traits.
This won't be the only time he is willing to betray you or your BF. The bedroom is not the only place betrayal can happen. Any time he doesn't expect to get caught, look out.
You have been warned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): I mean, that guy is troubled, manipulative and has no regard for other's boundaries and if it weren't for some redeeming qualities, I'd say he's a downright psychopath or at least antisocial, but intelligent enough not to get into any real trouble.
But I have seen him risking his life for my boyfriend. He has done me a huge favor before and pulled me out of a very ugly situation. You can depend on him in a crysis. He has a strong sense of loyalty (sex and games excluded) to those close to him. And he's fun to be around if he's in a good mood, although that's not really telling. Lets just say that he may do a lot of questionable things, but when stuff gets serious, you can depend on him as he's proven on multiple occaisions.
Thank you everyone for your answers, they helped me to form an opinion on the situation. I have remembered a piece of conversation from some time ago and I think that the crux of the matter is that he dosen't think it is wrong because it dosen't hurt anybody as long as certain people don't know. Therefore if this becomes an issue again, the thing I need to make clear is that I will not keep such secrets anymore if he won't stop. I believe that this is the sole argument he may actually take seriously. If that fails, I will talk about it with my boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): He is a good guy except he has zero respect for faithfulness, to anyone, friend or partner? Wow. I hope I never meet someone you think is a bad guy. This guy "has his own moral standards" just like every other cheat & thief & asshole in the world does.
I think you need to tell this guy to stop it or you will tell your BF about it. Tell him once, say it firmly, and don't keep saying it again after that. If he still does not stop hitting on you then you need to follow through on that threat. Tell your BF everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): What are you Guys saying. Why should she tell her boyfriend. If she didn't tell him in the beginning let it go. He doesn't know your past history with this guy. Tell him now if this is leading to something. But don't report your ex fwbgirl to boyfriend. Deal with him yourself like a big girl.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 January 2015):
 NO you NEED to tell your boyfriend his "friend" is doing this and hitting on you and NOT respecting HIS friend, you or your relationship.
I have a friend who is married to a guy she met through mutual friends. THE wife of his best friend is hot for him and has been for years. She is friends with the wife and they introduced the couple. She keeps saying things to the wife (Her friend) about how she wants the husband (her husband's best friend and college roommate) they have been friends forever. The husband (who the wife of the other couple lusts after) has told his friend "if you wife does not cut it out we will have to stop spending time with you"
I've had to give these friends up as well as they felt so high and mighty about themselves they told me to choose between being friends with them or dating my NOW husband.
I no longer see those friends.
Life partner first, ex friends second. LET YOUR BOYFRIEND KNOW his "friend" does not respect him, you or your relationship and let him handle his friend and choose what to do. but not letting him make his own choice is not fair to him.
I would always let my husband choose what to do about his friends behavior.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 January 2015):
 Why are you talking to this friend about all this at all? It clearly has no effect on him and neither will it ever. He's the way he is and there's nothing you can do or say that will change it. Just tell your boyfriend about it because there's nothing to hide and you're not doing anything wrong. Yes it would hurt him but he already knows the history that you shared with this guy so I'm pretty sure that he'll be more accepting of it than most people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): I would NOT get drawn into long conversations about this with the friend - reason I say this is I made a big mistake of trying to talk reasonably with a married man who kept insisting he was in love with me and the more that I talked with him, the more he got the message (which I did not intend at all) that it was okay for him to keep expecting to have in depth conversations with me about how he felt, so if he just kept having the conversations eventually I'd change my mind and have an affair with him.
When men are bonded in the way that your boyfriend and friend are, it's dangerous - as you know - to come between them. The bond is partly irrational and means they are often blind to the other's faults, so just won't see reason. From the outside, the friend sounds fun but immature and also rather devious to be doing this, but they probably won't see it that way.
But it is still worth you being honest with your boyfriend and telling him straight, with no drama and no ill will, that his friend keeps coming onto you and you've now made it clear you are not comfortable discussing it with him anymore as you feel it is sending the wrong message to him. You can even say to your boyfriend that you're not expecting him to do anything but you just want him to know what's going on because you don't want to keep anything from him and you feel uncomfortable with the situation. You will have to do what I suggest though - which is STOP talking with the friend about his lust for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): I think your ex FWB is a pig. And I think you need to tell your boyfriend about it. he was TESTING you??? Really?? How about his girfriend finds out about it?,how about you start testing him?
I think the guy in question has no moral at all. When it comes to penis guys usually have no stopping: bestriend, just friend...they will hit on a girl just to satisfy their penis. ALL of my husband's friends at some pooint hit on me.
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