A
female
age
36-40,
*assie71
writes:My ex boyfriend cheated on at Christmas time, lied about it, dumped me when I found out, still denied itafterwards but I have since found out that he is still with the girl he cheated on me with. I so angry that I was the one treated like crap but I'm alone and he's in a relationship, I don't think it's fair! I suppose what I'm asking is how long does it take to get over a break up like this? as I hate feeling like this as I know he's not giving me a second thought so why am I thinking about him?Any advice given will be very much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Hello, sweetie! Welcome to the world of the recently dumped.
It isn't going to be easy. The length of time it takes to get through the range of emotions and their intensity will vary. They're pretty much the same for all.
It also depends on how much you really want to get over him. Being angry at him helps. It will come in handy; because hopefully you're not sitting around hoping he's coming back.
Getting dumped, and trying to get over the breakup afterwards, is a long and laborious process.
It's miserable, immobilizing, embarrassing, toxic, and debilitating.
It will not kill you. It will only make you a stronger woman. Don't hate men. Don't become a cynic.
A smart woman uses the lessons learned from a failed relationship, to tweak their flaws in preparation for the future. If you don't change, you'll carry the same mess you were into the new relationship. It's not all his fault your relationship didn't work. You're not perfect.
Hopefully, you learned that no guy is the center of your universe. You don't "need" a man to survive. You "need" to have "love" in your life, and you hope to "share" it with a "good man."
You have to be strong enough to deal with all the crap a guy can dish at you. That's a real woman.
Have the power to move on, and do even better.
He can't steal what you don't allow him to. So, you take back what he doesn't deserve to have. That's your freedom.
Your happiness was always in your own hands. You lied to yourself when you thought it was up to him to make you happy. Other people aren't supposed to have that kind of power over you. They share your happiness, not create it.
You are already complete. You are not searching for another half. Until you realize you're already whole; you've got a lot of work to do on yourself.
You are human and you cared for the man who dumped you. So there is no fast-forward through getting over that jerk.
You can certainly speed up the process by focusing more on yourself, than on what he is doing.
Breaking off all contact, and not stalking him through the social media helps.
You can't read his every update on Facebook, and think you're not feeding into your misery by doing so.
You've got to get rid of the stuff in your house that reminds you of him, you have to find things to avert the thoughts that make you obsess about him. You have to let yourself just go through the emotions associated with the process of getting over someone. Bottling up will over-whelm you, and you will completely fall apart.
You turn to your friends for support. The true strength comes from within. Not from pills, or a bottle of alcohol.
Your heart lies when it tells you that you'll never get through this. The heart is good at clouding your judgment and making you submit totally to your emotions.
Now is the time to let your "brain" take the wheel. While your heart in storage, and under repair. Place it in protective-custody and let no one near it. Don't jump into some crazy relationship to prove anything.
Keep your mind and heart in sync. Then you will start to get over him. You'll realize your own power. That is where I am now. My mind guides my heart, and my heart will not open until my mind says that it is okay. However; I'm not shutoff. I'm available for fun and activity. Nothing serious.
Right now, you feel like there is an ever-tightening knot in the pit of your stomach, every-time his memory comes up. It seems like his memory will haunt your thoughts non-stop.
That is because you have to deliberately and consciously take control of your feelings when you feel they are getting the better of you.
There is actually a chemical process in your brain that you have to overcome like an addiction. The endorphins hold you back. You're fighting for the emotional high you felt when you had your boyfriend. The source of your high was taken from you. Withdrawal from love-addiction is hell.
You're supposed to let the feelings flow; because the outpouring of emotions is necessary to heal. You don't give in to obsessing about him. You struggle to push him out of your mind. It's your battle with the devil.
Then you have to find ways to keep busy, and avert your negative thoughts to positive thoughts. You don't think of how badly you feel after he left, but how good you feel that he can't hurt you anymore.
He already has someone. Yet you know in reality, that you have to move on. He's her problem to worry about now. He'll cheat on her also. It's a hard habit to break. He lies too.
You will cry and feel over-come with emotions watching him flaunting his relationship with her. But, what about you?
Why are you spending so much time worrying about him and her? What about Cassie71? Don't you have a life, friends, a job, and body that needs your attention?
Sweetie, you hurt so much because you're making it all about him and neglecting yourself. You need to keep healthy, stay busy, and get remodeled. You don't have time to sit on your hands in a puddle of your own tears.
I realized that my ex didn't give a sh*t what my feelings are about the breakup. He was too busy getting on with his life. Is your life any less important than his?
That A-hole just gave you the freedom to do anything you want, and find someone 10 times better. You know who he ended up with. He has yet to see who his replacement will be.
Honey, the anticipation and uncertainty will kill him. Who, and when will it happen? Not too soon, for your own sake. Rebound relationships are another road to hell.
First, be sure you allow yourself to accept that the old relationship is over. You will find yourself ruminating over how wonderful you "think" he was. Love was blissful.
He wasn't so perfect; because he cheated and lied to you. Then dumped you, on top of that.
That is fuel to push you to get over him; and to appreciate he did you a favor, by getting the hell out of your life.
He's a cheater. You may as well cry over a bucket of dog poop. They have equal value, and they both stink as well.
However; you are in good company. I got dumped in April, and I've somehow miraculously gotten this far. I'm just beginning to appreciate my independence and freedom. I wouldn't be saying this, had you asked me about three months ago how I felt.
I still get hit with a bad day here and there. So I get out and do something that cheers me up. I read a lot, keep my body in good shape, creatively improve my diet, and I've met some nice new people to add to my support system. Now I'm devoting these words to help you. It helps me to do this for you. Give you the push you need to initiate your healing.
I know how hopeless and lost you feel. I know the stabbing pain of being rejected, and feeling like you wasted your time and feelings. Being dumped is the thanks you get.
All is not lost. Yes, it will take a long time to put this behind you. You can and you will. I'm here to tell you.
Read everything you can find to educate yourself about starting your life over after a breakup. Identify the emotions you feel, and how to deal with them.
Fill in the void with love from family and friends. Love yourself, and you'll realize how good life can be, even when it dumped a pile of crap on your heart.
Good luck.
Please read the articles I wrote devoted to people like you and me, trying to recover from a breakup. Hopefully they will inspire you. I wrote three so far. Let me know what you think.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): He hurt you & it will take some time to put it behind you. You don't want someone like that in your life, I'm sure if he cheated on you, he's going to do the same to her. Keep yourself busy with your friends or doing something you enjoy. Try not to dwell on him, he isn't worth it. Be glad knowing he will never hurt you like that again.
Trust me, you will meet someone & you'll forget all about this jerk.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (30 July 2013):
I'm sorry your ex-boyfriend disrespected you on so many levels. He is not worth your time let alone your anger. Anger takes a lot out of a persons energy level. You have to let it go. Move on.
Do not waste your time thinking about someone who doesn't love you and didn't care about your feelings. I know break ups are tough, but we have all been through them and are thriving.
You need to work on bettering yourself. Do things to make you happy and no one else. Take this time while your single to enjoy life and meet new and interesting people. Live a happy and fulfilled life. It is the best revenge to give anyone!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 July 2013):
 So he is with her and then what? YOU are no longer with a cheating Douche.. so don't you think you "won"?
How do you get over it? YOU realize that you can DO better.
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