A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My marriage ended 4 years ago after my ex husband said he wanted to move on with his life. He left me, 2 children and a dog. He called our marriage of 18 years “horrendous”, said he wished he’d never married me, etc and ripped me off in the settlement. I thought we had a normal happy family life but I discovered he had been on internet dating for about 6 years during the marriage, without my knowledge. When I found out about his cheating he called me a “man-hater”, and every name under the sun and I was shocked at his hatred towards me and he refused to divulge any of it, only suggesting we go to marriage counselling, which we did. I felt as though I had a nervous breakdown when I realised he had been living a double life. He was ok with what he was doing because he felt it wasn’t affecting the family! I stayed with him to try and work it out, however I got a sickness which affected me for about a year and a half, and he asked for a divorce. During my illness he must’ve gotten back onto dating sites, he met a younger Eastern European woman, took her on many European holidays (never took me on any)while I stayed home looking after the children. She has since moved to our country and now lives with him.As we have some contact still due to a shared teenager, he still calls me a man-hater to this day if a disagreement arises, I therefore keep contact to a bare minimum.It still hurts me and I know that I dwell on it too much. I’m not a man-hater so why call me that when he was the one that behaved badly?Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 April 2023):
 Have you ever heard the saying "the best form of defense is attack"? That is exactly what your ex is doing. He KNOWS he was in the wrong. He KNOWS he was the one who screwed up. However, he is too immature and self-centered to shoulder the blame so it is far easier for him to blame you.
I know it is hard to NOT take it personally but, sweetheart, this is not about YOU; it is 100% about HIM.
Your best revenge is to live a happy life away from him, which you are quite capable of doing. Have only what contact is absolutely necessary and, as soon as he starts with the name calling, end the conversation and walk away. You do not deserve to be spoken to in this manner. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Start making it the best. Do something nice for yourself every day. Have a treat you enjoy. Go out with a good friend and have a good time. Come on, girl. Head up, big smile, get on with your life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 April 2023):
 Your ex is an abusive, cheating idiot. YOU know this. HE knows this but doesn't want to own it or acknowledge it and even less to take responsibility for HIS own actions and choices.
How is that YOUR fault?
*hint hint* It's not. His behavior, his cheating, his actions, and his choices are NOT your responsibility.
And If you "HATE" your ex it doesn't make you a "man-hater" it just means that you "hate" HIM because he is a piece of garbage.
It's that simple. If he calls you a man-hater again, I'd simply state that you don't hate men, just him. Or you IGNORE it. Because it's bullshit. HIS bullshit.
If you HAVE to talk to him, see if there is a parenting app you can use for anything regarding your children - other than that... DO NO engage with him. What's the point?
A piece of garbage is not going to accept and realize that they ARE a piece of garbage.
He is lashing OUT at you because 1. you ALLOW it and 2. to try and justify his OWN shitty person and actions.
If you prevent him from talking to you, OUTSIDE of the parenting app... you won't have to listen to his garbage anymore.
How are your kids doing?
How are YOU doing?
Counseling for both you and the kiddos might be a good idea.
Thank your lucky stars that he is NO LONGER your husband. Sounds like you dumped some toxic waste.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2023): Sounds like he gaslights you as a way of avoiding any responsibility for his behaviour
The most important thing for you is to realise your worth and not put any importance whatsoever on his toxic language that he uses and that nonsense he sprouts. I agree that counselling could be a great way of building yourself back up and recognising exactly what he is doing
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2023): He's a toxic individual, and he's now out of your life. You know you're not a man-hater, but he's a low-down dirty cheating scoundrel.
You no longer have to put-up with his hateful words, and shouldn't be taking anything he says to heart knowing what kind of a man he is. You might need some counseling to deal with your internalized-pain and trauma.
He is in no position to tell you who you are; and you shouldn't rest your value and self-worth in his hands; when you know the man is a cheater and a scumbag.
Well, you know what he is now. If you are a man-hater, who does he think made you one? But you know you're not! His guilty-conscience has to spew venom and break bones; because he still has to live with knowing what a rotten man he has been to you and his family.
If what he says gets to you; then stay away from him. Your resentment for the past is a self-imposed prison; while he's living la vida loca!
Get some professional-counseling to shake loose of his verbal-abuse; and to allow yourself to break the chains of your resentment. You've still got a life to live, and that marriage is over and done with.
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