A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Long term Dear Cupid girl here! Love this site so much, I’ve been given some of the most helpful advice ever without judgment. So here goes..I’m not sure if I should stay with my partner. We have been together 4 and a half years now. I’m 27 and he’s 32. For a bit of context, we are the complete opposite. He is very mathematical and rational, I’m creative and abstract. He’s quiet and I’m more outgoing, etc. He is on the spectrum of autism and I’m still learning more about how to adapt to that as I go along. But sometimes I really question things. Off the top of my head, when we go for date nights, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth trying to get a conversation going. I suggest doing certain activities like the gym or cinema or a comedy show and he is pretty unresponsive and won’t want to go. He would happily sit in silence. He’s not really outgoing if i ask him to see my friends, and his friends like to go out to raves which I don’t do. We usually have a good sex life, but we haven’t slept together in months because I’m finding it really awkward as he is so bad at foreplay.. I know he loves me. That’s unmistakable. What he doesn’t do in typical ways, he makes us for in how he shows love which I find very romantic. He does things like buys me a coffee cup because I happened to mention I lost mine weeks ago, he fixes my car without me asking, he buys me my favourite flowers, again without me asking. He checks in with me through the day and we make each other laugh. There’s some really good points too which is why I’m so unsure.My best friend who knows us both always said we go well together. But recently has said I should be with someone who is more on my level. My other friends have said the same thing as each other (separately to me which I find interesting) that they feel like when I explain the situation, it’s like I’m waiting for things to be perfect. I can’t tell if that’s true. I think if I stayed with him I’d have a happy, comfortable life. On the other hand, I wonder if I should be with someone who can take me out and chat to me all night about random things and do things I love too. I see my friends who are settled down with each other and I would say that I do compare my relationship (as everyone does!) and it makes me think my relationship is different but it works for me. I’m unsure. I’ve never been the kind of girl to put my relationship as my first priority. I don’t want to be blinded my love, I want my own independence and to live my own life as ‘me’ - not me and my partner, if that makes sense. But sometimes I wonder that if I met someone who blew me away and was completely right for me, I’d want to feel different and happy to be 10000% in love.What should I do? Should I stay with him? Does this sound like something I should be happy with? Or should I pursue more? Any advice would be SO appreciated! Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2023): I think you feel guilty, because you think it would be abandoning your partner due to his autism. It's not a bad reason, if you find trying to cope in what seems to be becoming a difficult and incompatible relationship. You seem to be admitting it is stressful and emotionally-unfulfilling. What you're forgetting is that we chose our intimate-partners based on what we're both able to exchange emotionally; and what fulfillment "you both" receive in being together. You've become his emotional care-taker, instead of his lover and partner.
Autism aside, with any other man, you'd consider your own needs without so much guilt. If you determine he wasn't as emotionally-invested, or affectionate, as your needs require in a romantic-relationship. In all healthy and lasting relationships, you give-up something; but your sacrifice has to compensated in a way you feel being with a personal is worth it.
I think he'd want you to be honest; and to be treated like a man, not a pathetic-child.
He doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, because you feel sorry for him; or worry what others would think if you didn't remain an "emotional-martyr." Just to prove how noble or special you are for being with him. He's still a mature and intelligent person; who may not express emotion as most other people do. The man knows up from down, and in from out. He understands you will not be happy; if he's unable to meet your needs. Just as any other man would have to accept. No matter what anyone advises you to do on this site; you are the one who must decide what you need in a relationship to be happy. You're both supposed to be happy.
I don't think you're being fair to either of you, by allowing quilt or pity to be the deciding-factors as to why you're maintaining this relationship. Fearing honesty makes you a bad-person.
He is a grown-man, he has needs, and you also have needs. When a relationship doesn't workout, you must consider the proverbial pros and cons of maintaining that relationship. Don't live in denial; when you see with your own eyes, and feel within your own heart, your partner is not equally as invested. You have to be able to find emotional-fulfillment, compromise, and trust in a romance; if any committed-relationship is going to work. Instead, you're allowing pity to force you to stay; and it seems you're trying to convince yourself it's enough, living together almost like "friends with benefits."
You've admitted that you need more. Not everyone is cutout emotionally to deal with people who can't express their affections spontaneously, or compromise on emotional terms; which many autistic people are fully capable of doing. You assume autism is the only reason; when it just seems he's selfish and uncompromising. He has a built-in reliable excuse to always get his way. It is true, that he may find himself in situations difficult to deal with psychologically, due to autism; but I personally know people with autism, and they're as self-centered and selfish as anybody else. Don't always place them up on a pedestal; believing you always have to submit or passively allow them to have things their way.
They have to live through human-challenges just like everybody else.
You have to yield to the limitations of autistic-children; but you also have to remember autism is not the same as developmental-disability. They can have a much higher IQ than the average person; and possess more special-abilities and gifts than you, me, or anyone else they know! They are as calculating as the next person; they just tend to have a slightly harder time knowing how to navigate dating and interpreting social cues, particularly at the start of the relationship.
Like any other relationship, assess what you put into it, and what you get back in return.
Don't presume people with autism are incapable of expressing emotion, or learning how to fulfill their responsibility within a romantic-relationship. There are so many stereotypes and misguided notions about autism. People assume they are like "robots;" incapable of expressing their feelings, or compromising within a relationship. Like any man, he can manipulate and gaslight you, to design and construct the relationship to suit himself. Placing all the burden on you, to be the one always giving; while he's always receiving, and never stepping out of his comfort-zone for your sake.
Let your heart be your guide, not pity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2023): You have to KNOW what you need and what you can deal with.
And it's good to get to know the partner before you get more and more serious, because once you get attached on more levels, it will be very hard to let go.
First of all, I'd refrain from discussing my relationship in detail with my friends/family. You are still very young and haven't learned from experience that that can sometimes come back and bite you. Youa re a grown up and should be able to deal with this. Why wait for your friend to tell you you go well together or that you need somlething else? It's OK for her to care about you and share her thoughts, but you need to set some healthy boundaries.
I have been for almost 25 years with someone who, as it turned out, suffers from ADHD, moderate OCD, social anxiety and anger outbursts. Listed like this it sounds awful (and when it is at it's worst, it really is awful). But this is not why I am with that person. He is honest, hardworking, kind, compassionate, funny...
It is challenging to be with someone "out of norm" (or someone with problems). No matter how hard they try (and my husband tries very hard), you will always be the one picking up the slack. Not just because of their initial problem, but also because of the coping mechanisms they have developped.
The question is, do the benefits outweigh the problems?
Are the problems his "damage" is causing something you can deal with without endangering your core values and needs?
You get the picture.
I highly value and NEED a person who is honest, witty, smart, constructive, hardworking and I when I was young I never met another man (and got attracted to him) who could "compete" in these departments with my husband.
Havings aid that. I do carry a load. But it's a load I know I can carry and I choose to carry. It is hard. There are some days when it is harder than usual. True. But at the end of the day (evena very hard one) I know that I have made the right choice.
Your partner needs to seek therapy for the problems he has. I am not saying that being on the spectrum IS a problem, but it can cause problems. OCD IS a problem for everyone involved.
In a nutshell, start relying on yourself more when making decisions, know your needs and limits, get to know your partner well without the "pink glasses" and you'll get the answer.
Good luck.
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