A
female
age
30-35,
*oxglove
writes:Hello all,I am writing to you because I have encountered a problem with my, well, I guess he's my ex boyfriend, but I don't really consider him to be that really. I never really loved him, and he treated me so horribly that I don't believe he ever deserved the "boyfriend" title.Despite this, we dated on and off over the span of five years. I didn't keep coming back to him because I thought he would make me happy, I had been brainwashed by his ongoing emotional abuse to believe that he was the best I could ever do.Flash several years back, about two months prior to the final end of our relationship, I met this incredible guy who would turn out to be the love of my life. He gave me the confidence to put my foot down one last time and end things with my ex for good. We have been together every since, and could not be happier.You would think that all my problems with my ex would end there, but as things would turn out, it was only beginning.Here's the problem - My ex is very close friends with everyone in my close circle of friends. Not only that, he seems to always be the one who organizes everything when we get together, and is always the hub of our activity. At first, for the sake of my relationship with my other friends, I tried to remain close friends with my ex to reduce the level of awkwardness that would result from my being forced to see him if I wanted to keep my friends. I find it very difficult to make new friends, so making a clean break with the entire group was not an option.I found myself making excuses for his behavior, and wanting to believe that it was a result of his rough childhood and abusive background. However, I would soon run out of excuses when he, for the sake of starting drama for his own entertainment, manufactured a conflict between myself and the rest of my friends. Thank goodness I came to my senses and saw the evil in him, and resolved things with them.Here's the problem. I can't seem to see my friends without seeing him. Most of them live together, so it's not as if we can just meet up without him knowing, and then of course, he will want to come along. I am also extremely close to his current significant other, and sacrificing a friendship that means so much to both of us because of a stupid reason like this is not fair to either of us.I enjoy seeing my friends, but every time he is around, I feel my blood boil, like I just want to have it out with him about the way he treats other people. I feel like a ticking time bomb when I'm near him, and I find myself preferring to stay at home than go out and see my friends when he will be there.Is there any way I can keep my friends while controlling my rage toward this horrible person?
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confidence, emotionally abusive, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I'm glad things are looking up for you Foxglove, thanks very much for the update.
Never forget how you resolved this because you're the only one that could have, and the only one that did resolve this. That means no matter what happens in your life you have the strength and confidence within you to make things right and to protect yourself.
All the best for the future.
A
female
reader, Foxglove +, writes (11 September 2012):
Foxglove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello!
I am so very sorry for the late response, but I wanted to provide an update when the time was right.
This time is, infact, now. When I finally grew a pair.
Cerberus, I would like to thank you especially. Your response was very stirring and there was a lot of truth.
I am weak because I can't stand up for myself and I let people walk all over me.
No longer true. I met up with my friends away from him, and had a meaningful discussion about my feelings. Turns out that they have some of the same feelings as I.
It was hard, but I finally saw that I was just as much the problem as he was.
It's not easy to see these things on your own sometimes, and I would like to give my deepest thanks to you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2012): OP it really is time you grew a big pair of hairy-ass balls. You've spent so long now appeasing to this douche and being diplomatic that he still holds all the power and because of that you now risk losing your social group because you spent so long pretending nothing was wrong and pretending he was fine that now you're kind of stuck.
They're your friends aren't they? Well what kind of friends would they be if they got pissy because you don't want to be around him? What kind of friends are they if you don't feel you can open up to them about how much it upsets you to be around him? My friends would completely understand and they wouldn't take sides, they would make time for both of us and wouldn't hold it against me that I didn't want to be around my ex all that much, but they would do so safely in knowledge that I wouldn't stir shit and I wouldn't try and make them choose.
You made a huge ass mistake in trying to be friends with a guy who is emotionally abusive, you made a huge mistake in not talking to your friends about this way sooner most people would completely understand your reasons we all find being around exes tough but you've left it so long that they may think something is wrong. Another mistake you made is thinking that they're the only friends you can get, give me a break OP, friends come and go throughout life and all you have to do is be around groups of people regularly doing social activities and sharing experiences to form bonds with them.
I also think your rage is misdirected, you aim it all towards him OP but really you're more angry at yourself or at least you should be because, forgive me for saying this, but you've been a total wuss about all this. 5 years on/off you kept going back to this asshole and it's not because he brainwashed you it was because you were weak. You knew he was bad for you, you knew had to get away lots and lots of times in those five years but you didn't, not only that but you still haven't done anything about him still being your life and all you can do is blame him? Sorry OP, he's just being who he is, you're the one who needs to step up and grow a pair, this is all your fault, not his. This situation wouldn't be like this if you didn't let it get this way.
Look I'm not having a go at you, I'm not trying to put you down and I'm really not trying to make you feel bad whatsoever. What I'm trying to do is make you understand that you have to take responsibility for this because you're the one who has to fix this and if you can't see it's you being soft that is the real problem here then you will not be able to fix it.
I mean come on OP if you don't believe me then ask anyone you know would they spend so much time and effort trying to keep a complete asshole happy to the detriment of their friendships and mental well-being.
Basically OP if I was in your situation, I'd finally build up the confidence and guts to be honest to my friends. I'd tell them it's too hard to be around him and that there's too much history and a little bit of bitterness still there and I'd rather not have to be around him. I wouldn't bad mouth him, I'd simply tell them that I'd pushed aside those feelings for a long time but it's gone too far. I'd just tell them I feel more comfortable seeing them when he's not there and while I'm not trying to take sides or anything like that I would like if they'd see me sometimes without his company.
That simple.
OP life is one big, hard struggle when you try to appease people to the point where it's not good for you. You have to be a bit more ruthless with things like this and a bit more brave. You're not an asshole for saying what you feel and you're not going to be looked down on for doing what you have to to protect yourself but above all OP, just like dating friendship is always a case of there are plenty more fish in the sea so don't worry too much if people take his side, they were never really your friend if they can't understand why this is necessary for you.
Good luck OP, time to stand up for yourself and look after your best interests for once your boyfriend will have your back here so let him know how you plan to go about this so he can be prepared to support you should people get bitchy.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 If you lose friends because they believe your manipulative abusive ex then they are weak and they are not true friends. However he may not be making as much headway with your friends as you think. They too may think he is the complete loser he really is.
You most certainly can try to keep in touch with the first set of friends. But I would suggest that you are your current boyfriend widen and add to your circles of friends. So that you have two concurrent set of friends. Friend group #1 and separately Friend group #2.
Occasionally invite a couple from Friend group #1 to join you in an activity taking place in your new Friend group.
Because right now you have all your eggs in one basket as far as friends.
Because he is needling you on purpose hoping that he can get you to 'blow up' in front of company. That way he can start undermining you in front of your friends and allege prejudiced comments about your stablilty. DO NOT give him that satisfaction.
Your ex is a nasty piece of work. Starve him of fuel to make life tough for you. He is angry that you have moved on.
Still attend things occasionally with the existing group of friends. But do not be predictable. Eventaully your loser of an Ex will move on to abuse another girl.
Find some interests that you and your Boyfriend can share and enjoy and activities that take you in other directions to your existing group of friends. If the first group love sport then look for groups to join that have nothing to do with sport.
Volunteer together to do some good work in the commnity.
While you establish these new links do not mention what you are doing to anyone in the original group of friends until some new friendships have been established.
That way your mean and nasty ex will not have an opportunity to 'just turn up' to a function where your new friends will be attending.
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