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My ex-bf recently got married and I want him back...Plead for a lifeline.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 April 2011) 10 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I met this pakistani guy on the internet since 11 dec 2008. I am lebanese and was 19 years old at that time he was 27 years old. The moment he sent me msg on facebook we clicked, we exchanged emails and chats for almost a year without seeing each other, just the pictures. After a year, I moved into a student dorm all alone, and that was the time that our relationshiip got so intimate and serious with daily phone calls and every night skype camming. He taught me everything about human body and sex..I was pure at that time..he taught me how to masturabte and we used to do it together on phone or cam but keeping privates hidden..anyway he always said he loved me and he wanted to spend lifetime with me..we always imagined the way we would meet and how we'd do everything together.though he never tried to come to Lebanon..i tried to get a job abroad in GCC countires but it didnt work..after twoo years of having this intimate relatioship with a guy i never met...he came to me one night and broke up with me for the reason that his mom (lahori moms) is forcing him to get married to someone he neevr knew, he said its not what he wanted, though at that time he was convinced that he adores me and is addicted to me body and soul..but he knew our case is impossible...anyway we broke up so many times and i knew a lot of ways to get him back and we did..getting deeper and deeper..till we reached one week before his wedding on 10 feb 2011..i got really sick..he saw that on cam, i have stomach cancer and he knew about it...we even masturbated 3 days before he got married..he kept saying he loves me but love doesnt mean marriage and thatgood things come to an end...he asked me to write our story as a novel and send it to him, we both are great writers...even cancer didnt stop him from getting married..he blocked me everywhere on skype esp..

Afterwards his marriage i got really sick..couldnt eat or anything..i lost 10kkgs in two weeks and still losing weight and hope

I contacted him several times, I called him on his bday on march and he replied..so bare and neutral..we even chatted on skype as I used the novel as an excuse..I even complimented his wedding picture..

My Question is: How to I get him back?

He's been married since two month, I know that now he experienced real body..he knew her after the wedding..I still love him like crazy even though the knife he stabbed me with still hurts...I want him back..what hurts the most is that I never met him..and I am sick to death..he's working in nigeria and now living there with his wife..nigeria is my birth country but I cant go there cuz I am sick..he said that I helped him not to become a playboy in nigeria; a casanova..but I feel he used my innocence and threw me away like trash...despite all this i want him back...

The first step i thought of doin was applying for a job in his company; he is the country manager in nigeria and I am applyin for same comapnny in KSA..

Can anyone suggest anything I could do to get him back? how to talk to him, what, and when?!! He unblocked me on skype and I know this is a sign that he doesnt wanna let me go..

Please anyone help me..I am so desperate

View related questions: broke up, facebook, moved in, the internet, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've got some updates here,

My ex-bf told me yesterday he loves me and he can never stop loving me ever..he said he missed me a lot..he keeps skyping me even with me asking him to...I still didnt ask him about his wife...the hunger for each other was too much that I cant find the right words...

We masturabted together while he was in his office skyping with me. It was uncontrollable. The thing that I wanted to say was; after cumming he just goes offline, disappear suddenly!! He did it yesterday and today, so I txt'd him to know where did he go...he replied saying that he's in a meeting..dont ask me how I know..but I am 100% sure he had no meeting, he was still in his office...

After that, I've been thinking, actually i dont know it thinking is the right word to use, but I feel like his s*** or let me put it a better phrase, his mistress...

I feel I lack self-esteem, its not that its just low, I feel it doesnt exist..I really hate myself..I am not sure if he loves me..but I would really wanna know the answer of why he is doing this to me?

Doesn't he sleep with his wife? Why does he want my virtual me when he never met me? Why does he want me everyday?

I always say I will stop, I wont talk to him, I wont skype, I will keep my clothe on...but all these sayings are just words..I am not capable of doing any...

What should I do? Why I feel this for him when I know he is doing all wrong to me? What is the thing I am feeling for him, is it love?

I feel lost inbetween good and evil but I know that my mind is 80% toward good and my heart is 80% toward evil...knowing all that and I am powerless to do nothing is killing me...the feel of guilt alone is devastating..

Should I ask him if he loves his wife? Can a guy fall in love for two women? Should I ask him if he is making love to her? Should I ask him if I am his mistress or the love of his life?

What is killin me is that while masturbating, we talked about old days..he remembers every single detail without me reminding him..does it mean he is not over me yet?

Please help me with advice of what to do? Guidelines please!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You know if it was lust, meaning physical sexual attraction right?!! How can he lust for me when he never met me!! I mean guys are complicated, I am very new at this; they say girls are complicated but its nt true.

Maybe I expect a fairy tale to happen at the end, but all what I want now is for God to take revenge from him for the way he used me..I wont forgive him even after I die.

@Male, you are right..but what can I say if I (most females) think with their hearts..I mean I know I still love him though he hurt me bad..its like loving ur serial killer or ur vampire..knowing at the end he'll cause u pain but on top of all that u dnt care..u just want him..

Yeah, he is married but he never met her from before, he never spent two years with her 24/7 on skype and phone...what kinda family you expect him to built with someone he met after marriage. I mean are guys capable of forgetting so easily?!! I dont think that it applies on my ex-bf esp with the fact he came back asking for an affair..

I am so confused what exactly I should say tomorrow to him when he comes online..any suggestions?

Three days passed since he asked for an affair and he didnt come online..I am starting to think he asked for it cuz he was fighting with his wife..and now they made up..or he's embarrassed though I think guys rarely feel so..

Btw, I have stomach cancer and he knows:( I am thinking he is doing this all out of pity...

I am incapable of getting over him and I cant resist him, it was so hard to do on Thursday..really strange when our bodies never met..

Thanks all for you keen help:)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

-Ofcourse, unless if he comes up with an idea of divorcing his wife and marrying me. If he did that, I think thats when I know he loves me-

Hon, the guy never even visited you in the flesh while he was a free bachelor. How do you figure he'll up and leave his wife, betray his family, and build a life with you when he won't even budge an inch to see you in the flesh?

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A female reader, lovely_menaime Tunisia +, writes (17 April 2011):

you from lebanon .. and i'm from tunisia .. we're both muslims ..

i believe we did the same mistakes .. but please it's not too late .. please just run away from him .. please

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A female reader, lovely_menaime Tunisia +, writes (17 April 2011):

i hate to say this but i think he only wants sex with you .. it's not love it's lust

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you girls for your keen help. My ex-bf still didnt appear online since thursday and that night. I am expecting he will come online tomorrow.

I havent decided yet on what to do. But I am 60% near the NO for getting back together. I know it might be something that will hurt me later but at least i wont regret it cuz I would be obeying God.

I am scared that he might ignore what happened and what and how he requested or even apologize. I honestly dont know how to reply to this. As I am new to all this.

He'll always be the one I love. But when it comes to choose between being with him and disobeying God or being alone while obeying God. I prefer the second one. This is what my mind is telling me but not my heart. I am scared that the next time we skype my heart will rule my mind.

Ofcourse, unless if he comes up with an idea of divorcing his wife and marrying me. If he did that, I think thats when I know he loves me. But I am going way into virtual world by this dream.

All I want now is you help to answer these two questions:

1. What if he ignored or apologized the next time we skype about what he requested-the affair and all-what should i say? How can I reply strongly to him?

2. In Islam, that if I want to marry a new guy its not right to hide from him my past relationships. This new guy will be ofcourse and islamic eastern guy. So definetly if I told him my story with my ex-bf esp the masturbation part, he'll think of me as a slut and disrespect me, moreover change his mind about marriage or use it against me anywhere he can. My question is: Should I tell the new guy (if any) about my ex-bf and all the details or should i not, and keep it my secret forever?

Please help me to make the decision of my life 100% right.

Thanks again:)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011):

Oh darling, I'm so sorry for you! This feeling of love/lust/obsession is tearing you apart. I've been through a lot.. Firstly, I'd advise you NEVER to meet him, while he's married at least. Because, if he's like this over the camera, he won't respect you in person, and you won't be able to keep pure for future your husband.

Secondly, what he's doing is unforgivable. He didn't stand up to his parents in order to do the decent thing and marry you - that is, if he wanted to (if not, he was just looking for someone to have fun with). He didn't stop contact with you once he knew he was getting married to someone else. He recommenced contact with you. And now, he's back to his old tricks, and wants to see you naked. That's bad, and so disrespectful!

I know you'd do anything for him, I can feel it. Just please, for your sake, let him go his own way - shove him away, tell him to busy himself with his own wife, it's his duty as a husband. He's a bad boy, and will never change. Hopefully, you'll be able to escape him.

We're the same age, I think. Please don't make the same mistakes I did. I'm not Muslim, but I have morals, and I broke them. I did the terrible, and I'm not married. :'( No man is worth that.

You're beautiful, dear, inside and out. You're worth far more than this creep. Never trust Pakistani or Algerian men, they're only after one thing.

Take care of yourself, and in a while everything will turn out better, I promise. You will meet someone far more worthy than this guy, who won't make such requests, and who will wait for you, who will marry you.

Take care, and remember, you're worth it!

Inshallah!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well girls, I have an important update that you should know about to help me judge. My ex-bf asked me for an affair today, he even skyped me at night while I think he was with his wife and he wanted to masturbate..let me quote him here:

"u know i shouldnt be saying this but there are still times when i cant wait to see u"

"wow, u look even more amazing with your hair open"

"u know what smoking does for us"

"i cant forget even a single detail"

"u r still my sweet heart"

"can i tell u a secret.... i miss u"

"wow.. cant stop admiring your beauty..seriously"

"you r killing me here ma'am"

"u know u r the only person in this world who can make me forget everything"

"and u r mine forever..lets have an affair :)"

"and i will see u one day sitting on the other side of the desk..where u will be interviewing me.. for a job"

When I told him that what i learned from our story that dreams dont come true, he replied "lets wait and see"

"if i ever taught u something its never lose hope"

"u r breathtaking btw"

"u r a link that can never break"

"just wished to be in lebanon"

" would teleport u to nigeria, and hire u as an administrator, and then give u dictation everyday.. so u will write emails for me,and check them,and update me when i am out of office for meetings, and u will manage my office, so that only u have the key"

"u look so hot...can u lower the screen a bit..oh wow..my hands are shaking"

"oh my our song...now thats asking too much from me to control..u know how irresistable u r"

"my bubblegum"

"u r too naughty"

Although I wasnt doing anything, but he kept talkin and meaning sex...anyway that was all in the afternoon and at night I thought he'd be at home with his wife...anyway he aske to see me so i replied "u aint at home with ur wife?" he ignored that and asked again if he can see me, then i said that "i dnt wanna cause u problems"

so he replied "no problems for me... but i might cause u problem"

Anyway, our talk went too wild that he took off his shirt showing me and everythin off without showin me..i told him "baby remember u r married..u'll get into touble..i dnt want u to do it for me"

he replied:" i told u i forget everything when i am with u"

me: will u come to liban

him: if i come to liban ill check into a hotel with u and not leave until i go back

I told you we masturbated before, but I didnt show him private parts like nipples or p**** or bum..i did it all under blanket..tonight he called on skype talkin and beggin me to show him my nipples and everything..he wanted to see me naked..this is way to forbidden in islam esp that he is married to another person and we are not married..so I tried to tell him that I cant, this is gettin wild and at time the cam was blurred but I felt like he wasnt conscious so I asked him if he was thinkin with his mind and he'd regret it tomorrow...so better lets refrain...

he forcefully agreed but wasnt happy at all, he told me give me 10 mins to cool down..and he'd be back to talk..but after 15mins he went offline...

Other things you have to know: He will leave nigeria in december transfering to United Kingdom and he asked me why dont I go to Europe...I know cuz he wanted an affair.

Now my questions are:

1. Why did he want sex with me, while he has his newly wife body next to him every night

2. Why does he want an affair

3. This skype call when he was at home with her was really wild. Why did he do it? I mean he even spoke to me..

4. Does he love me?

5. Do you think he is happy with his marriage?

6. Do you think he was sober(knowin that he doesnt drink alcohol cz he is a muslim)? And if yes, if he talked to me tomorrow what should I do or say?

7. I feel him the same much he feels me. Tonight was so hard to refrain. I mean I already have to much sins accummulated, and with this affair, its killin me the feel of guilt. God wont forgive me ever. I love him so much but I cant disobey God in everythin. Its quiet clear that I cant resist him. What should I do or answer? If I said no, he'll hate me forever and this would kill me to the core. If I agreed, then I'll feel like his slut though I love him loads.

8. How can two souls long for each other this much? What if our bodies meet? Would I be able to resist him?

I am so confused, lost, ashamed, feeling guilty, and actually insanely in love. Please help me asap for me to know what would I do tomorrow if he talked to me.

What if he apologized for what happened yesterday? What and how should I strongly reply?

What if he didnt apologize and ignored what happened or asked for more? I cant give him more unless we are religiously married.

Please help me....

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A female reader, lovely_menaime Tunisia +, writes (14 April 2011):

men ... they are *******

reading ur article makes me think about my future and past with my long distance bf .. we broke up now .. and he says the same things ur ex said to you ...

and it hurts .. because we've never met .. but one thing i'm sure of .. if he really , truly loves me or if ur ex really loved u he would do anything to be with you ..

please don't break my heart and your heart .. and try to move on .. leave everything and try to enjoy life that's what i do .. be the great person you used to be !

i know this is not what you want to hear but that's how it goes !

good luck ..

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A female reader, Luv2giveadvice Australia +, writes (7 April 2011):

Baby girl, STOP, and read your article.

This boy is NEVER coming back to you, ever.

You said yourself he doesnt believe marriage

is based on love, WHY do you want a man like that?

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but he

never took your relation seriously, and he never will.

Forget him, do not make any contact with him and

work on building yourself and your future.

One day you will meet someone who shares your values

and feelings.

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