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age
41-50,
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writes: My ex and I are trying to put our relationship back together, but there are some trust issues blocking the way.Essential background: I spent six years of my life (21-27) loving a man who had serious problems with jealousy, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, alcoholism - a real plethora of sh*t - but, despite everything, he's the only person with whom I've ever felt a real connection. Now, I'm no ivory tower. I too have low self-esteem, self-loathing and guilt, and I'm very guarded and hardly share my feelings for fear of them being used against me. And I don't get openly angry - I shut up and shut down.That's why we'd break up. He'd push and poke and prod for something (he spent a year and a half digging into my past relationships) until I finally got so fed up since the answers I gave him (true at first then slowly devolving into outright lies) were never enough.There were times where I relied on pills and wine just to be around him without having an anxiety attack. Eventually I gave up and ran away. I spent the last year boozing, smoking and hooking up, while he finally made a breakthrough in his therapy and seems much better. I, on the other hand, got worse. I couldn't stop loving him, and even though I never actually cheated on him, I feel like I did while we were broken up.He knows while we were apart I dated other people. He wants to know more about what I was doing in the past year, but I don't feel comfortable telling him. In the past when I told him stuff he didn't like, it wasn't a "fun time." I don't want to lie, and he pouts about me not opening up to him. I feel like I've said plenty so far (we've been back together for a month) but he must think I should be like Teddy Ruxpin and just talk aaaaaaaallll day. There's a lot of things I've done that I regret, and he feels like I betrayed him. I've apologized, cried and begged for forgiveness, felt so guilty and ashamed I could puke, but it's still not enough. I'm trying to find a counselor to unload all this and put together what's appropriate to tell him and when, but until then how do I stall for time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I hate to hear it, but you're absolutely right. I need to put myself together. Thanks again for your sympathies.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 Break up again. Seriously. Tell him you're not even interested in meeting for coffee until he gets more therapy. You could probably use a good amount yourself.
Your life without him is your business. He is not owed the minute details of what you did every minute. He has no right to make you feel ashamed, guilty, or beg for forgiveness. You weren't with him and it doesn't matter in the least. Forget about all that "you betrayed me" bull. Did you sign a contract giving him exclusive rights to you? No? Then he can forget it!
If he just started therapy, it is waaaaaaay too soon for him to be back in a relationship. He still has a lot of work to do on his own. You see that no matter what you say, it doesn't make him happy. Right now you'd be pouring all your heart and soul into a container that's not ready for it.
So leave. It will be best for you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): You've got far too much housework to do on yourself before you can consider having a serious relationship with this man.. and the same goes for him. Neither of you sound like you're in the right place for a relationship. You are both very insecure and need to spend time working on yourselves before you can bring someone else into the mix. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I just see this as a potential disaster. Quit while you're ahead. You guys need to spend lots of time building your own self esteems and maybe one day it could work out in the future.. but not right now. Look after yourself.
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