A
female
age
36-40,
*Isabella.Harryx
writes:I'm probably in the the wrong place, i need legal advice really... but i stumbled across this site and everyone seems so helpfull, i guess i just need to know if i'm doing the right thing or not?? I'm 22 and when i was 17 i stupidly got drunk and slept with a guy i'd only known for a couple of weeks. we didn't use protection so i went and took the morning after pill the next day. a few weeks later i found out that i was pregnant, the pill hadn't worked. by this time i hadn't seen the guy again as i'd realised he was a slut (excuse the language) and knew that nothing was ever going to happen between us. unfortunately, although knowing that i wasn't in the position to be bringing up a child, i could not face an abortion. i have two older sisters who were already settled down with 3 children each who assured me i'd have pleanty of help and support. Of course i had to let (lets call him) "Dave" know. so i text him and said that we needed to talk, we met up the next day and i told him. He told me to get rid of it and was angry when i told him i couldn't. i said i'd understand if he doesn't want anything to do with us and i wouldn't ask for anything. After a week or so he calmed down, came round to the idea and we thought it would be good if we got to know eachother. he met my family and we spent every day getting on really well. by the time i was 2 months pregnant we decided to give it a go, we said that it was be hard to have a relationship as it would all happen very quickly, meeting, moving in together and having a baby all within 9 months, but for the baby's sake we had to try. unfortunately, within a week of having this chat, we found out that another girl he's slept with was pregnant, just a couple of weeks less than me in fact. i couldn't really be angry with him as it's not as if he's cheated on me as we weren't in a relationship. but i couldn't help but feel like the future was ruined already, no sooner than we'd have our baby, i'd also be gaining a step child at the weekends?? it was all a bit of a mess. as it turns out, there was a chance that he wasn't the father of this other child. apparenty this girl had slept with 1 or 2 other people. i also then found out that he smoked weed almost every day, which, if i hadn't been carrying his baby and he had promised to stop before it was born... would have made me run a mile. i have never touched drugs and rarely drank (apart from that one stupid night of course) Anyway, things went ok, we got a council flat as i was sleeping on my mums sofa and he was in temporary accomadation too. both of us were worked and in august 2006 i had a little girl. He continued to smoke weed and go round his mates playing computer games every night... it took a year and a half before we realised that the relationship wansn't working and that we weren't happy and he ended it. but i wasn't ready to give up on being a family for our little girl and suggested that we try again. after 6 months apart (although he was still sleeping at the flat) we got back together. but it didn't take me long to realise that this wasn't what was best for my little girl. he continued to go out every night and smoke weed, he didn't have a close relationship with Isabella and i was bringing her up as a single mum anyway as he never there! He walked out of his job as he didn't like his boss and for three months he didn't bother even looking for another job, we were getting behind wih rent and council tax, but all he wanted to do was play computer games wth his other unemployed friends. i realised i was sacrificing my own happiness to do what i thought was best for my child, when really we were better off without him. so i ended it, properly this time, he moved in with his mate (sleeping on his sofa) and for the first 8 months he paid nothing and only saw Isabella once a month. By this time i had started a relationship with an old family friend, he was 7 years older than me and we'd always known eachother though our parents. he had split up with his girlfrind of 11 years at the same time as me and Dave* and you could just say that 'fate' brought us together. Him and Isabella immediately bonded, she was even closer to him than she was with anyone! she's clearly a daddy's girl, but never had the chance with her biological dad. we brought a house together and my life finaly felt complete. *John* we'll call him... was perfect in every way, i only wish we'd been brought together 3 years earlier, but then of course i wouldn't have my beautiful little girl. *Dave then moved in with his mum, and i think she convinced him to see Isabella more, he stared having her for a few hours once a week. but i was driving her there and picking her up as he doesn't have a car, if i was ever 2 mins late he'd a have a go at me. but quite often he'd phone and ask me to come and get her early, or sometime he's just cancel altogether. Me and *John are still very happy and very in love, Isabella loves him more than anything in the world (she calls him dad which was her own choice and she knows that *dave is her dad too) and we're expecting a little boy in october!! :) our little family could not be more perfect. unfortunately Isabella is taken away from us once a week to go and see her real dad which is where i start to worry about things... He still smokes weed, and lives with his mum. he's introduced Isabella to a number of different girlfriends over the last 18 months. he takes her round his sisters sometime and she has 2 bullmastiffs and an 'on/off' violent boyfriend. i don't want my daughter being brought up with these sorts of people. as parents, *John and i are pretty strict with Isbella's manners (remembering please and thank you and 'please may i have' instead of 'i want') just little things like that as she's nearly 4 now and i want her to be a polite little girl :) but whenever she comes back from her dads she can be rude and grumpy and i know it's because she gets away with it while she's there. All i want now is to have a respectable and happy family, John runs his own buisness and we've got a great community of friends in the little vilage we live in. i know i made a massive mistake in the past and i'm expecting people to tell me that it's all my fault as i shouldn't have been a slut and got pregnant at 17... i could blame it on my parents splitting up and moving into my mums flat with her, which was oppisite a pub with is where and how i met *Dave... but at the end of the day i was just a teenager that made a silly mistake that i was live with for the rest of my life. what i really want to know is, what rights would i have to stop *Dave from seeing Isabella? as she really isn't fussed about seeing him (i usually have to convince her to go round there every week and we usually have tears as she doesn't want to go) and i'm really not happy about how him and the people around him will influence her life?so sorry to give you my whole life story, i don't think anyone's going to read all this?? i'd just like some friendly advice and opinions on weather i'm right to be feeling how i do?!x
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abortion, cheated on me, drugs, drunk, got back together, moved in, smokes, split up, text, the pill, video games, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): I'm replying from Ireland.. My situation is different although alot of similiar ref.My daughter is now 5, i'm 26. Her father is 31 and we're not together. We often hear about girls trapping guys by getting pregnant but for me, he trapped me... He was my first serious boyfriend, had his own car, i had jus finished school. He talked me out of going to college, kept me away from my friends, didn't want me to get a car or go on the pill cos i'd get fat! eventually i started a course moved in with some friends i made and was beginning to see the good side to being on my own. However it was very difficult breakin up with him, he likes to use emotional blackmail, and his dead brother as a bargaining tool! He went 'off' condoms and said not to worry (i was very niave and stupid) and of course i got pregnant. As soon as i found out i broke it off.5yrs on, he didn't want to be on the birth cert because it would affect ne benefits he was on so its not legal custody. he takes her every weekend for one nite, when she comes home on a Saturday or Sunday she lashes out BIGTIME. she fights, cries, screams etc. I beginning to think he's really screwin with her head and its' really affecting her being shuffled back and forth every weekend. I'm going to take her to a child pyschologist and see what they say, what the best option is.I think you should seek legal advice and have someone check him out, if she grows up knowing you kept her from her bio father she mite be bitter (thats what i'm afraid) or if you keep sendin her over she'll see what he's like for herself and make up her own mind!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 He should come to see her. You don't have to be afraid of him. If he wants to see her so bad he would. Get a job, get a car. Tell Dave he has bad energy and if he wants Isabella to be happy with him, he got to change his lifestyle and be a good, positive father figure. He didn't break a serious law so he still has visitation rights. Of course find out how bad smoking weed is in England. It just has to be the right setting. Maybe you all could meet at a public place. Does your new guy allow Dave to visit you? Do you have fears that Dave would wreck your perfect relationship?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 June 2010):
He does sound like a bit if a nightmare. The key is actually your own daughter's response. She doesn't seem to happy about seeing him at all. If you do think he is a bad influence, then you need evidence (photos, recordings etc). The courts don't block a parent from seeing their child all that easily. It's up to you to prove that he's a bad parent. Also, go to this site:
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
find out where your nearest office is and make an appointment to see them. They offer FREE advice about this kind of thing, and will be able to help.
Then, if you have good advice and enough proof, you can take it to court.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Well I think youc ant take hin away from her, but talk to his mum and say that you'd like him not to introduce. Her to any girlfriends unless they've been solid for at least six months, and that the dogs aren't allowed near her.
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