A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for nearly 22 years, most of those perfectly happy. He changed careers which meant I saw him less (works most weekends) and he had less money which meant I took over a lot of bills. The job has made him come out of himself more which is good. Unfortunately due to a colleague becoming way over friendly and texting him all the time (inc flirty ones) and my husband thinking there was nothing wrong in this (he wouldn't act on it so what's the problem), I changed. I got very upset, suspicious about everything and questioned him all the time. He didn't help himself to be honest. Anyhow that all eventually stopped (but it did go on longer than it should).Trouble was I'd got into that way of thinking and I carried it on, still all the checking up on him, questions etc which caused lots of arguments. I just couldn't help myself. We did have happy times, it wasn't all bad but the arguments were plentiful.Was ok until another woman seemed to be getting rather friendly and I started querying everything again. Turns out I made a fuss about nothing but I obviously upset hubby by starting up again.He now doesn't know how he feels. He's confused because he loves me but feels unhappy but can't pinpoint why. So he's now debating what to do. It's really hard on him and more so for me as I'm waiting for him to make a decision. I know it takes time but it's so hard. He's a really deep and complicated person and doesn't open up much so that doesn't help. He's spoken to his mam and a friend but don't think that's helped much.What can I do or say? He said it would be daft not to give it another go and he is trying (he gets annoyed at things for no reason). All I want to do is be normal (which I am being, all the stuff that bothered me doesn't matter anymore) but being a woman I want to talk talk talk and it's hard to stop myself.Any suggestions please? Am so lost and don't want to lose him. I honestly never thought things were this bad, it was a complete shock when he started talking about leaving.
View related questions:
flirt, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I'm so sorry you are having marriage problems. Stop putting all the blame on yourself! Remember, he's the one who let some colleague continue sending him flirty text messages, and wouldn't put a stop to it. That's terribly selfish and unthoughtful.
You said, "he gets annoyed at things for no reason." I get the impression it is difficult to discuss problems with him because he becomes defensive or angry. For this reason, I highly recommend that you two get a marriage counselor immediately. Have you asked him about this?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): Honey I have been in this situation and when the mistrust sinks in it is impossible to think differently again. This is because the pure trust you had for your husband has been broken. Very few people can regain it - I couldn't. It eats away at everything. The thing is you will always be suspicious even if he is not doing anything. It appears that you are insecure and fearful of having what you have taken away from you but the thing is the more you think like that the more it is likely to happen. Although it is well nigh impossible, and I do know this, if you can portray a more confident and assertive manner and try not to refer to these things the more likely you are going to keep what you have.Men hate to be mistrusted and hate women carping on, questioning them and grinding them down. They don't want to justify themselves even if they are not guilty. My ex husband could flirt for England and his behaviour made me ill and sadly come across as mental. I began to become so strange that it drove us apart and obviously he left. The thing was I didn't trust him and he grew tired of me needing constant reassurance. I tried to control myself for many years but I just couldn't. I just had this constant gut feeling that he was up to something especially with women at work. I do think the only way round this is to increase your own independence as an individual in your own right. In order to do this you need to rely on him less and make him less important in your world. If you improve yourself, spend more time with friends, work, keep fit etc and build a set of friends for you alone you will find that what he is doing preys less heavily on your mind and the desire to question him will dimnish as you have your own things to concentrate on. I hope you can rebuild this but it will be hard. My thoughts are with you as I really know how you feel.
...............................
|
