A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I am in a big mess and I need some good advice! My boyfriend and I have been together for around 7 months now. He has a very friendly nature and is able to have conversations with almost anyone and everyone. He makes friends with females easily and soon after, they start showing interest in him because of his friendly nature, which I sometimes feel is flirtatious. His ex gf hates me and thinks I was the cause of their break up because I was his best friend during the time that they were in a LDR. Recently, she has started to contact him again via texts, emails and phone calls and has constantly been sending him sexy pictures of herself and saying that she will ruin his and my life if he doesn't respond to her messages. My bf seems to show no interest however he does have conversations with her time and again.There is also this new girl who we met at a party and became friends with my bf. She constantly sends him messages and calls him to meet up with her every time she is in our city. She is a divorcee but flirts like there's no end. Once while chatting she said to him "I'm so sad you're attached :(" I found this really inappropriate and therefore when she asked to meet up with him, I said no and he listened but after some time this became an argument and he called me a "controlling" and "possessive" woman because he feels that I restrict him in many things, and that includes having conversations with her.Over the past 7 months, we have been fighting constantly at least twice a month and we can't seem to come to a common understanding with each other regarding his female friends. I don't have many guy friends and I am loyal to him and only him. He always assures me that he will never cheat on me and only wants to be friends however something at the back of my mind tells me that no guy is incapable of cheating just because they say they are loyal. He used to let me check his phone and see chats with his female friends however recently he has started to delete the chats and get frustrated when I check his phone because he feels that I will start another argument again. We fight all the time and it never seems to end!! He apologises to me but it ends up in another fight 2 weeks later!!What do I do? How do I start trusting him more?? Should I let this relationship go? I can't deal with his ex gf who always makes our life hell! Help!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 It sounds like you never trusted him to begin with. He used to let you check his phone? A girlfriend doesn't get access to a boyfriends phone... That's an invasion of privacy. You shouldn't have ever done that, especially if you had trust in him and he hasn't done anything to tell you he can't be trusted. It's one thing to want to check the phone if you know he has cheated on you before, and he offers you. It's quite another to start off early in the relationship by checking his phone, "just in case" he does something. That IS controlling.
Not wanting him to speak to women, or be friends with women, who are obviously coming on to him, is quite another. That one is about respect. But I am afraid you've played your cards wrong somewhere. He first agreed to not meet her. So he did show you respect. But then things progressed it sounds like, perhaps you started arguments with him more often, perhaps you got insecure, perhaps his word wasn't enough, and perhaps you were checking his phone a bit too often.
I think you need to back down. It's not okay that he talks to women who are obviously crossing the lines of friendship with him, but at the end of the day you and him can't control what other people choose to do. If he feels secure he can fend them off then ok. His decision to make. He should respect you and not see these women, but then again you shouldn't treat him as if he's already cheated on you. Checking his phone is inderectly accusing him of cheating! Which is very hurtful. So by now I fear he's seeing these women out of spite, because he's tired of you checking up on him and never trusting him.
So back down. Trust him. You do NOT need proof that he is trustworthy. Because he hasn't shown you that he can NOT be trusted, hence you should trust him. If you can not do that then there is no point in continuing this relationship. But it all comes down to you and how you handle your insecurities. He hasn't done anything wrong, but you've crossed the line a few times it sounds like. So show him that you trust him and respect him, and he'll respond by respecting you more in return and not see these women.
For all you know he's not interested in meeting with women who cling to him and send him sexy pictures. But he has a right to choose for himself who he wants to see or not!
A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 These are things you do not do in a relationship, he is very much in the wrong.
His ex for starters. She threatens to ruin your lives and sends naked pictures by phone and email. If he were serious about getting rid of her then why hasn't he blocked her? Not only that, he still chats with her from time to time! She has crossed boundaries and by keeping her around he has crossed boundaries as well. Also notice what he did to her... You were his best friend while he was dating her and now he is dating you. Can you really trust him being best friends with another female?
Next, he meets girls at parties and gets their numbers. What the hell? How is this appropriate? Fine be social and chat at a party, but getting her number? THEN she texts him wishing he was single... And he wants to hang out one on one with her. Excuse me but that's a date. If these women were really friends then you would all be hanging out together.
And then to top it all off he now deletes his messages and calls. I think this is already over. Having a female friend when you get into a relationship is maybe one thing, but developing "friendships" with women while he is already dating you, and flirting with them... He isn't someone you should be dating and you damn sure shouldn't be wondering how to deal with this. You can be an outgoing and friendly person. That's not what he is doing.
He is behaving like he is single. He loves attention from women and he isn't wanting to give it up. When you tell him to you are "controlling and possessive." You are far from controlling or possessive, you let him get away with too much. I would put my foot down. Tell him to block his ex (should have already been done long ago). And tell him deleting his messages isn't going to fly. You don't delete anything unless you have something to HIDE. That's the only reason. His fear you will start an argument over the messages? Because he has something in there that he knows is wrong and would upset you. I don't think you would be upset if the girl is asking for a cooking recipe or advice about her new boyfriend, and if that's all it was he wouldn't be deleting it. Don't be naive. And don't let him putting you down make you question how you feel.
Set some new rules and tell him if he can't follow them and start to care about your feelings then you are gone. It will probably make him leave but that's good, good riddance. He isn't relationship material. And why would you want to continue a relationship with someone you- can't trust, who hides things from you, who makes you feel badly (puts you down for being controlling when he is clearly the one who is wrong), and who you can't be yourself around (you will need to keep your feelings inside to keep from starting arguments about his females). Either you keep feelings to yourself and start to resent him for making you feel that way and preferring attention of other women OR he resents you for not allowing him to have fun with random females. I think it is unlikely to last. He's not wanting something serious right now, he doesn't understand what a serious caring committed relationship entails.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): i've been with people like your boyfriend, and i've also been in the same roll as your boyfriend. so let me go ahead and tell you: his behaior is inappropriate. when you agree to make a committment to someone, that means the meeting women at parties and getting their phone numbers ends. that means the ex texting naked pics stops. there are certain things that you just don't do out of respect for the person you're with. those are just a couple of the primary ones. sounds to me like your boyfriend wants the comfort of a relationship with you while enjoying the freedoms of being single. it doesn't work like that.
you're not doing anything wrong by getting upset. who wouldn't get pissed at an ex sending inappropriate pics? who wouldn't get pissed about some girl complaining he's with you and not single so she could be with him? when you care about someone, those are the types of things that drive you mad. and also, when you care about someone, you don't put them in the kind of situations he's putting you in.
while you're completely justified in your feelings, expressing anger and frustration at him over and over will do nothing but push him away and make him resent you. it will get you nowhere. however, i would do one of two things. i would tell him that his behavior is inappropriate for a relationship and hurting you one final time, and that if it doesn't change, you will leave him. then give him the chance to fix it, and if it continues, dump him. this will make him realize you are not playing. if you stick to your guns, i assure you he will come crawling back in no time and he won't keep that behavior up. he will start to take you seriously. kind of like disciplining a child. if you threaten to punish a kid over and over a million times, then never do it, they never take you seriously and continue with their poor behavior. same thing applies here. you're teaching him that he can continue to get away with this behavior. you need to punish him. that's my first suggestion. my second suggestion is to just dump him, flat out. because while you may be able to get him to straighten up his behavior, he may also be too set on wanting to be single. anyway, hope this helps some. good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Okay for starters, what is wrong with these women??? I mean where the hell is the girl code anymore??? Don't mess with a man who is taken for crying out loud! That kind of behavior is going to bite them all in the butt, eventually.
Remember your boyfriend chose you to be with and wants a relationship with you.
However, he is crossing some boundaries, probably unintentional, but he still is. He needs to tell the ex to knock it off. He needs to tell her to stop sending the pictures, and all the contacting and to move on somewhere else. HE needs to do this now! He can also go as far as blocking her number if she doesn't let up. It is not okay to sit back and hope she just goes away and for him to do nothing. He must send her a clear message to stop.
The innappropriate "flirting" needs to stop as well. Get off the damn chat and find something more productive to do with his time.
None of these expectations are controling or possessive...it's called having respect for you girlfriend and respecting your feelings. If he wants the attention and this is an ego thing, he should just remain single if he wants all this kind of behavior around him.
There is nothing wrong with opposite sex friends if it goes no further than that. For example, out of town friend wants to get together with him? Sure! Plan a place where all of you can go for dinner or drinks and she can get to know his new girlfriend, which is YOU. The two of you may hit it off! Not what the out of town friend wants to do? Then nobody gets together...it's not appropriate when you are in a relationship with someone. Your man needs to get a clue. Don't close him off from people, but there needs to be boundaries you do not cross if there is to be trust in a relationship.
He's got to take some responsibility in this and realize his actions and reactions to "tests" are not giving him much room in the trust department.
I too am a very outgoing person and honestly, many men don't even care that I have an engagement ring on my finger. But i do not endulge flirting and shut it down pretty fast because I respect my man and have no interest in the attention or anyone else. I have about three very close male friends, but never ever do we "flirt" or anything like that. And out of respect for my boyfriend in the beginning, I never got together with any of them when it was just the two of us. It's not because of potential cheating, it was because, you just don't do that when you are in a relationship. Instead, I invited them over by themselves or if they had a girlfriend/wife, we all went out and did stuff together, they got to know each other and the potential threat was eliminated because I was not hiding anything and my now fiance saw first hand what our friend relationship really was (same thing on their end too).
Have a non-confrontational frank discussion with him about this and let him know how you feel again. He hasn't cheated and he is still with you. If after expressing how you would like to see things handled differently, he continues doing the same things and handling everything the same way, you may need to rethink this whole thing and pick up and move on, he is not the right guy for you. But if he is willing to do his part and treat you with the respect you want and deserve, maybe he is a good guy after all. Sometimes guys just need a little kick in the right direction to realize how they handle things makes a world of difference.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 He is allowed to have female friends, and if you try and stop this then he will only resent you and it will spell the end of the relationship for the both of you eventually. He was open to you going through his phone and messages at the beginning but my guess is when you saw the messages from the other women that you didn't like it resulted in an argument therefore he is trying to prevent that now. Not once in your post is there anything that would suggest that he would cheat on you, it sounds to me like you are jealous because you know that these women are interested in him and that scares him, but that is not his fault.
You need to both come to a compromise over this somewhere. Sit down and talk it through and come to some sort of agreement. Maybe you could go along with him to meet these friends or if they are being inappropriate then ask him to write back to them and tell them that it is inappropriate.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 There are appropriate levels of "controlling" and "possessive" and you don't seem to have gone beyond them.... You could use a more mature and dedicated B/F... Look around....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AuntyAunt  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Firstly, I can understand your worries over the Ex. If this relationship is to continue healthily, then he needs to stop any communication with her, especially if he is being sent inappropriate images of her during their chats.
As you said, he's a naturally friendly person and maybe just enjoys chatting to people? Does he also have a lot of male friends or is it just girls he talks to this way?
You could sit him down an explain that you do trust him, but when he starts deleting messages from his phone it's naturally going to make you anxious about what he's up to.
I've been in a relationship for 2 years and me or my partner have never checked one another's phones. I've never felt the need to. It sounds pretty much to me like deep down you don't really trust this man. and if it's gotten to the point where you feel the need to check through his phone, I think it's time to end it.
What you decide to do is completely your choice though, do whatever will make you happiest!
Best of luck!
AuntyAunt.
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