A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 21. I dated my boyfriend for 7 years and it was never an on/off type of thing. We talked all the time about marriage, kids, and the life we would have when we were older, but we didnt want to rush anything because what we had was good and we wanted to be financially stable before we got married. We lived together for 2 years and most of the time we were very happy. Last year my boyfriends parents got divorced and his mom told us she was gay. He slowly got very depressed and now he left me and moved out to try to heal. He says he doesn't want to hurt the people he loves as he tries to find himself again. He wants to live a life of instant gratificaion and he can't do that and worry about me. Do you think we have a chance of getting back together later in life? He tells me he still loves me and I have been pretty supportive through this, at least when I speak to him.
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female
reader, Blue Sahara +, writes (26 June 2010):
 I think it's very possible for him to come back to you but it's a very long road.
When I read the title of the question regarding him wanting instant gratification when he found out his mom was gay, I pretty much knew there was going got be something in the question about his parents divorcing or maybe his father died and then his mom revealed this.
Your boyfriend just had his view of reality put on its head. He probably believed that if you act a certain way, certain things will happen to you. Like a formula. You find a good girl= having a good family life. And then everything he knew just got thrown out the window when this happened with his parents. Now for him, there are no guarantees, there are no equations. You can do everything right and still get screwed. When someone puts a lot of stock into one belief and then something happens in life that is contradictory to that belief, that's when they tend to drop everything and go the instant gratification route. Because absolutely nothing makes sense to them. They might as well do whatever they want because there is no order in the universe.
In my experience, people "snap out of it". I don't know if that's always true but the people I've seen who have gone through sort of a crisis in their beliefs do eventually come back to them. However, it's a process that takes years and years. And they usually comeback to them with so much regret and guilt it isn't even funny. But after living sort of a free life, they realize that that new life isn't working for them either so they go back to what they've always known. And when they come back, they are different people. Better in some areas and worse in others.
If you love him, I can totally see waiting for him but I have to tell you, you have no idea how much pain is in store for you. Every time you think you can't be more amazed on how different he is, he will do something else to shock you again. People that go through these kinds of things are completely and utterly selfish. And they don't feel bad for it. One of the most selfish acts I've ever seen was done by a woman who went through a crisis like this. She left her own son cause she just didn't want to deal anymore. She was the most amazing mother before and then she left her son without a regret for almost a year. If you stay in his life, you will constantly be saying "Who are you?" because you might not recognize him for a while.
If you want to hold out hope, I think that is a beautiful thing to do, but just realize that it's going to be years of crying and if he does comeback, years of building the relationship back cause you are seriously building it back with a different person. And he may comeback with weird new ideas. Like before he wanted kids but now he thinks kids aren't in his future. A lot will go through his mind and some stuff will stick.
Having gone through one myself and having seen several people go through one, existential crises are just awful. I wouldn't wish them on anyone cause you have to watch the person you love disappear before your eyes. It takes a lot of strength, determination, and patience. And cause of that you will come out the other side a different person too. Even if you can handle it, you will be wrestling with hopelessness, bitterness, anger, and feelings of betray for years. Even after he comes back.
Really think through whether you want to hold out for him in the future cause you will have to plant your feet and take a lot of hits before it's over.
A
female
reader, ctds001  +, writes (26 June 2010):
Caring guy is right, life is too short to wait for someone.
Get on with your own life, go out enjoy yourself.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 June 2010):
I'm always sceptical of people getting back together later on. It rarely works out. Your boyfriend has been through a bit of a shock, and it will have permanently be a changed person. I think if you sit there waiting for him, you will eventually be hugely disappointed and hurt. It's dangerous to remain living in the past when it's gone. And if you sit around, you'll look back in ten years wondering where it's all gone. No matter how hard, I think it's best for you to move on now.
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