A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need help, I have a boyfriend who treats me bad and calls me names when he gets drunk! He accuses me of cheating and I never have. every thing is fine when he's sober, he says he loves me and wants to marry me, but when he drinks he changes. It hurts so bad because I love him and wanted a future with him but, with this behavior, I dont think its possible. At this point I just need to know what to do to let it go, I cant lie, im in love with him and he says he's in love with me but, there could be no way thats true when he treats me like he does when he's drunk. And thats what hurts so bad...I really believed he loved meJust dont know how to get him out my heart Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): My heart goes out to the OP and to SVC. I was brought up in a home with abuse due to alcoholism between my parents. I was never physically abused but the emotional scars are still present. I recall begging my Mother to leave. My parents are still together and happily my Father no longer drinks, but the abuse between them still continues.As a result of being brought up in this type of home, I became co-dependent and have selected one boyfriend after another with addictive and/or abusive behaviours. I am a work in progress in addressing my co-dependency. I urge you to end this relationship now, don't end up miserable like most people are who stay in a relationship with an alcoholic. Don't have children and subject them to this either.I will not tolerate any substance abuse or any type of addictions in intimate relationships from now on. I don't want to be partner to someone else's mess. If you have any sense, you'll realise that if you stay, it will only get messier. Put yourself first.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2014):
 OP I am married to an active alcoholic (as opposed to one in recovery). We are working closely with our doctors and in the nearly 4 years we are together my husband has gone from “I have NO problem” to the very important “I drink too much and behave badly when I do” stage. WE are nowhere NEAR getting sober… and he may never get to sober but I cringe every time he goes to the liquor store… I know what’s coming and I dread it.
Yes my husband loves me. I know he does. When he’s happy drunk he shows me as much as he does when he’s sober. When he’s an angry drunk I have to leave our home. I have safety plans in place to enable me to easily have places to go, but we have drunk on a regular basis.. Usually 1-3 times per week… some weeks easier than others. NOTE that WE have this problem. While my husband is the alcoholic, I too suffer from his alcoholism. Al-Anon is a great program for the partners or parents of alcoholics.
I do video tape him on my phone when he’s drunk and play it for him the next day since he drinks to blackout level (and forgets most of his abuse). He won’t watch them most of the time but the fact that I record him has helped him be aware of the problems and it has helped to improve his bad behavior.
I want to tell you to leave him but you won’t leave him. You should. He has an addiction to alcohol and that is one hard monkey to get off your back. It’s a legal drug that many can’t manage.
IF you refuse to leave him then put in place a safety plan and discuss it with him when he is sober. Tell him that you will set up a safety plan (a place to go without fail) and stick to it and that the next day you will show him what made you leave. IF you are not married and living together then I strongly urge you NOT to move in with him till he’s sober and in recovery for a year or longer…
And if you can manage to walk away from him do so. And for his sake tell him why…. Alcoholics don’t get sober till they hit rock bottom… losing you may be his rock bottom… it may not.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (7 April 2014):
 I have a relative who put up with a lousy drunk for five years, and it ended in sadness. He was a great person when he was sober, but an extremely mean drunk, who became belligerent and even physically abusive. She regrets not leaving him sooner. He wasted 5 precious years of her life. She thought she could change him, but realized that their relationship ran in cycles. He would quit drinking, and everything would be lovely, then he would become anxious and go on a drinking binge that lasted for days. During that time, he would either disappear, or if he was home, the verbal abuse would be horrible for her to bear. Many times she had to kick him out when he got to this stage. Then he would stop drinking and come home all calm and charming again. This happened over and over again for five years, until one day she threw him out for good. She still has a lot of emotional scars from that relationship.
You need to leave, unless you want to put up with this kind of emotional abuse, while it slowly erodes your self worth. Who do you love more? Him or You? Make the choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 April 2014):
 What can you do, really?
Walk away seems like the only sane option. Whether you love him or not, the fact that YOU allow to be disrespected because you LOVE him makes you the one with no power in the relationship. You are his verbal punching bag. No one should have to suffer that in the name of love. Because THAT ISN'T love. AT ALL.
How often does he drink? How much does he drink? Have you ever TALKED about this when he is sober?
Have you walked away when he drink, simply left before he gets out of hand? I would (if you are dead-set on staying with him) tell him when he is sober that it has to stop. If he claims he can't remember I would call bullshit right there, but in case he doesn't how about you use your cell phone and record him when he is drunk and abusive? (just don't let him see you do it) Then play it back when he is sober. Every time he drinks LEAVE. He needs help and LOVING him isn't helping, letting his disrespect and verbally abuse you isn't helping either. He NEEDS to SEEK actual help with his problem. If ALCOHOL is what "makes" him act like this he OBVIOUSLY have a problem with alcohol, that needs to be addressed and you CAN NOT fix that.
These things don't fix themselves. They usually escalate. You, like so many abuse partners have some kind of Stockholm Syndrome where you think: THIS is love, THIS is all I deserve, It must be MY fault. I can make this better.
You CAN walk away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2014): You don't love him. You are a mature-woman approaching her forties, and willing to put up with abuse; because you feel it's too hard to find another man at your age.
You're used to his pushing you around. You cling tighter and do everything you can not make him angry. You are afraid of him. Especially, when he's drunk! I know the drill!
Your love is a dependency that has grown over-time; and you are complacent with just having male-companionship. I've actually heard a woman say, "it's better to have a lousy man; than no man at all!" It made me cringe. I was disgusted.
Love does not justify accepting verbal-abuse; and remaining in a situation that makes you afraid, or unhappy.
It's only a matter of time before this drunken behavior will become violent. If it hasn't already. You knew before you wrote your post that you were going to be advised to leave him. You know that is what you should do.
You want to get married so bad, you're holding onto one of the worse types of people with whom you could ever share a relationship. Someone who abuses you, and alcohol.
Tell us, what kind of marriage would you have with a man like that?
Is your self-esteem so low you feel that is the best you can do?
With alcoholism comes noisy fights, drunken-driving, police calls, hitting, destruction of property, lost jobs, and eventually arrest. Both of you could be arrested for disturbing the peace, and domestic violence. Yes, shouting and arguing can get you arrested.
You're disturbing your neighbors, and they hear every word he throws at you! They'll get tired of it. Some have kids, and they don't need to hear swearing; and a crazy man screaming at a defenseless woman.
It's not limited to when he's drunk either. There is no way you'll convince a single one of us, that he is only mean when he drinks. He's just less likely to go on a rant.
Nice people don't suddenly turn into nasty abusive-drunks.
Nasty people turn into nasty abusive-drunks.
Get counseling for battered and abused-women. Find out, why you want to stay in spite of such abuse? Yet still claim to love someone who treats you so badly. He isn't giving you love in return by the way he's treating you. Oh yeah, when he's sober he showers you with apologies and makes nice.
Only until the next drunk. Then the devil comes out again!
You say you don't think a future is possible? That is the understatement of the year. It is as understated as if you've made the decision not to give him a back-rub.
Marriage is totally out of the question. Don't believe me?
Ask your parents. If they know how he treats you, they'd be crawling all over you! Your father would probably want to kill him! That's why you came to us instead?
This is about your well-being, your physical-safety, and mental-health!
Look up Stockholm Syndrome; and learn how captives become
sympathetic to their captors. Women who are abused return and refuse to leave abusive boyfriends and husbands. They even defend their horrific behavior. As you are, by trying to make us believe it's only when he's drunk. I know if he has been so angry as to accuse you of cheating; he has also shoved or hit you at some point. If he hasn't, trust me, he will.
Seek counseling and gain the strength to leave this bad situation; while you're still in one piece. You may not be an angel yourself; but you are in a potentially dangerous situation. You are unsafe around a raging drunk. It was fear that drove you to write this post. Fear, not love, keeps you from leaving. You're afraid of his reaction.
I hope you'll listen to the lady aunts, if you don't like my advice. It really bothers me when women are in situations such as you are. Maybe advice from other women will make more of an impact. I hope it does!
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