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My boyfriend keeps pushing me away and then wanting me back, I am tired of the drama! What can I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 March 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2015)
A female South Africa age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm currently stuck in a push-pull cycle with my bf. We've been together for many years. He has admitted to me, not too long ago actually, that he has a problem of pushing everyone away and then when he decides to talk it's too late. He said he has trouble letting people in and they're gone before he realizes what he's done. He said he doesn't mean to do it. He does this push-pull on me and I'm at my wits end. It's so childish to me. If it's a personality disorder and he needs actual help then I understand it may not be his fault, but it's so frustrating and tiresome.

Here's what recently happened that has left me feeling like I could pull my hair out (and it's completely stupid btw): he'd been somewhat distant so instead of chasing him like I used to do in the past, I just ignored him and left him to do his thing. He got upset that I "wasn't doing anything", deleted me from facebook and then left me a message. I replied, we talked a bit and then he ends up adding me back a few hours later (makes us look stupid to everyone I'm sure) and telling ME that I "have a lot to think about" and how I need to try in this relationship.

He said if I do my part he will also and that he knows what he needs to do. This happened on Friday. Guess what? The last 2 days I've messaged him and been nice and sweet like always and he read them and said NOTHING. I felt like maybe I hadn't been doing a good job as his gf lately of making him feel loved and appreciated, so I sent him a huge message yesterday telling him I was sorry if he felt like I'd taken him for granted, how I do love him and went on to tell him things I like about him. He didn't even acknowledge the fucking message, at all. He read it, but didn't even reply. It's like the only way he'll communicate or stop pushing is if it's fueled by drama. I hate it and I don't understand it.

When we talked about this 2 days ago, after he deleted me, the conversation lasted about 4 hours. When things are going well and I feel like we're getting closer, all of a sudden some kind of "drama" thing happens and this starts all over again. I feel like his entire life is nothing BUT drama. There's always something dramatic happening to him. He's gotten hurt, or he's sick or this and that. I want this cycle to end. I broke up with him last year because of this and he chased me the entire time until I took him back and gave him another chance. Things were great the first 3 months but now it's right back to the same thing. I just don't understand it. I hate playing along but I try to treat him how he treats me to maybe show him what he's doing but it doesn't work. If I behave how he does somehow I'm the bad guy.

Are there any other ways to get over this method besides breaking up? I love him and he has lots of good qualities so I'd stay with him if I could get past this. What do I do?

View related questions: broke up, facebook

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015):

Personally I would leave him. He's selfish and immature. There is no real excuse for his behaviour.

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A female reader, MoniqueEE United Kingdom +, writes (3 March 2015):

Ugh, sounds like the kind of rubbish I used to do.

It's selfish and it makes you lose the ones you love most.

The only thing that woke me up was that eventually, he said enough was enough and ended it with me.

We are still working through our breakup (very complicated) but sometimes things have to be brought to chaos for things to change.

Think about yourself now.

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A female reader, marinablue United Kingdom +, writes (3 March 2015):

End it. He won't change. What he's doing to you is disrespectful, nasty and hurtful. He's feeding off it everytime you respond to it. He is well aware of what he's doing. I was with a guy like that for four years. I finally found the strength to leave him and am much happier. You will be happier in the long run if you leave. I mean,do you really want this for the next x ammount of years? You deserve better. All the best. X

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A female reader, Godspraise Belgium +, writes (2 March 2015):

i think you should not make excuses for him or his actions.

my ex and i dated for 2 years but after and it was the same thing over and over again every time i would pick up the phone to call him something DRAMATIC would just have happenEd. and he found that a good enough reason to push me away and apologize and push me away and apologize but in fact it wasn't a reason and neither is this .

you could sympathize for your bf that he get hurt alot but you should make excuses for him. being hurt doesn't give him a free pass he has you and you haven't left him yet and you make that clear to him.

and tell him you NEED to see LONG-TERM changes if that means he should get help if he really loves you he will try to fix himself and maybe that also means you guys should take a breather from each other so he has the time to work out whatever it is that he's projecting on you.

You can't expect him to be better with and stop pushing you away if deep inside he's broken. this is not something mair word can fix but actions and he loves you he WILL TRY and if not you might try and consider your options because this can't be good for you

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (2 March 2015):

You broke up with him, took him back and didn’t impose any conditions on that. This man isn’t behaving like an adult: his thinking process is odd. He seems unwilling to change if he knows eventually, you’ll send him a nice message, take him back, or admit you were in the wrong just for an easier life. It’s ridiculous that he deletes you from Facebook and behaves in such a childish, petulant and immature way. Maybe he’s been hurt and rejected in the past, but that sounds like an excuse to me. Unfortunately you’re going to have to start giving him difficult choices. Maybe he needs to know that next time, you’ll break it off for good, or maybe you need to telling that he needs to take steps to prove he’s finding a better strategy to cope with disagreements or differences than having a sulk. What will reassure you that he’s doing that: talking it out with you? Relationship counselling? I think you need to figure out what will reassure you that he’s doing something about dealing with matters in a mature way and discuss it with him, being clear about what you will do if he fails to satisfy these requirements. He won’t change without a push, and, in my opinion, the knowledge that you would indeed wish him well and move on if you have to.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntDump HIM for a change and don't take him back.

End it.

FINITO!

Then cut the contact 100%. Block him, delete him, ignore him and MOVE on and upwards!

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