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My boyfriend is texting another girl but says they are just friends, should I be worried?

Tagged as: Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 November 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 27 October 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 months. He's really lovely to me when were together and always says he loves me. But a few weeks ago i found he had been texting another girl. I found messages on his phone from her and at first flipped out as i read them in the wrong way and thought he was cheating on me. He explained himself and said she was just an old friend, and after reading the messages again i realised they were actually just innocent friendly messages.

I dont mind him having freinds that are girls, but now they seem to be texting each other most days. He's deleting all the messages they send and never leaves his phone around me. He says he does this because he knows i read his messages and he doesnt like it. I believe him when he says theres nothing going on because when i question him about it he is open about it and tells me how often they text and that they're just friends.

he says hes not interested in anyone else and she also has a boyfriend, and even told me they bumped into each other on the train the other day, which he could of easily lied about. So on one hand i do trust him, but then it really upsets me that he's talking to her all the time. I know that he cheated on a previous girlfriend, but he says he's not proud of doing that but they werent in a very serious relationship like we are. He says he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone else, but then he says im too clingy and he needs space away from me as im always being paranoid. My ex boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he was 'friends' with and used to text her all the time in front of me and tell me i was just being parnoid, so im scared the same is going to happen again and im just being walked all over. I want to trust my boyfriend but i find it so hard.

Im not sure what to do as i keep trying to think to myself to just not get worried about it, he says he loves me and i need to try and believe him and trust him. But then deep down it is really upsetting me. i dont want to break up with him as deep down i know he loves me and were a good couple, but i dont want to be some needy girl that lets her boyfriend walk all over her. Ive considered texting all my male friends in front of him to make him see how it feels, but i dont want to play silly games. I don't know what to do!

View related questions: cheated on me, has a boyfriend, my ex, needs space, text

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A female reader, rachey18 United Kingdom +, writes (27 October 2009):

Hiya,

Just wondered what the outcome with your prob was in the end. I am in pretty much the same predicament except ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and the 'other girl' has just split up with her boyfriend who was apparently a total control freak and now shes getting in touch with all her old friends, including my boyfriend.

I feel totally threatened by her. I hope i know that my boyfriend would never cheat on me but i just don't feel comfortable with them texting.

Same goes I don't want to be a paranoid girlfriend but something just doesnt feel right.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008):

RUN ! ! ! ! ! It has happened to me over and over again. I guess it is the nature of the beast. Men are not capable of having a female "friend"!! They will always want more (best of both worlds) and unfortunately must women are cruel too! RUN RUN RUN before it is too late and he really breaks your heart!

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A female reader, Asked Angel United Kingdom +, writes (14 November 2008):

Asked Angel agony auntFirst please don't start playing games that will not help anything. Surely if you b/f was up to no good he wouldn't have even told you. If you keeping pushing and questioning you will lose him. If you love him and trust him as you say you do, you have to believe him. I know it's hard when you've been hurt in the past, knowing he's done it before doesn't help. He was open and honest and told you about that, if he was planning on doing it again would he tell you about that? You have male friends and he has female friends as long as thier not talking time or emotions away from you relationship there really is no harm. You had lives and friends before each other and neither of you should be expected to give these up. You could involve each other in them though

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008):

Hi - hope I can help. I had the same issue with my boyfriend when we first met as he had a lot of female friends. Problem was they would ring his mobile up in the middle of the night drunk, text him on a Sunday evening and leave messages with kisses etc. To me they were not 'friends' they were girls he had on his mobile phone list and they had his.

In your case however I think its important that you remember that friends should be shared - in that if she is friends with your boyfriend then surely she would like to get to know you too - that would be natural wouldn't it....if there's no hidden agenda? I have found that this usually gets to the bottom of whether or not they are friends or whether the girl is really flirting / getting attention / trying it on. Either way the fact that you find it upsetting and your boyfriend has started hiding his phone does not bode well. Good advice from the other post about inviting her round or suggest a drink out as couples. If your boyfriend refuses then its not acceptable he keeps his female friends from you - what would be his motive to? I have a male friend who is married with children. I have met his wife, I always ask how she and his family are and this is what I would expect to do. I also only contact him every couple of weeks and I think the volume of texts your man has with this girl is too much. YOU are his girlfriend. Remember - a lot of guilty people turn the blame back on the accuser to deflect it and make out they're over-reacting. This makes you feel bad about your own feelings - but you shouldn't. Trust your instinct on this one.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008):

Why not get him to invite his friend and her boyfriend over for a meal one evening? You don't have to push the boat out, maybe have an Indian or a chinese takeaway. If they're just good friends that shouldn't be a problem unless her boyfriend suspects she's up to no good with your bloke. An adverse reaction to the suggestion might set a few alarm bells ringing.

You never know, you could all end up the best of mates and have a long and happy frienship with them, and there'd be no need for any secrecy or surreptitious behaviour on anyone's part.

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