A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, please advise. I have been seeing a man for around six months who split with his wife and kids around 2.5 years ago. He recently told me that he took it very badly, and that the house in which he lives whic I visit was his family and marital home. He still has old photos of the kids and wedding etc. He told me I am the first woman he has brought there. Anyway, we have now realised it has gone past the casual stage, and talked about it, and he had this massive outburst last night about how hurt he was by his ex wife, as she cheated on him, and the ex before that took away his other child, and that he never wants to live with another woman, but that he loves me so much and is still feeling the betrayal of what she done, and he was really acting highly emotional, but has said he has finally found someone (me) who he can be himself around, but the intensity of his emotions has really freaked me out,as he seemed angry, and I told him I would never hurt him, and he said, but how do I know that? the thing is, he was not expecting to get into a relastionship with me, as it started off as a bit of fun, and has now got serious, and he is freaking, and going on about how he is not going to be accountable to anyone, and what more can he do to show me he loves me? and generally went nuts when he came to my house last night, and it made me feel anxious, and I don't know how to deal with it, as we are too far in to go back. I am scared,he is scared, and the emotions are really intense and running high, and I feel uncomfortable. Please help me on how to deal with him and this. thanks - xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): That's good you ended it, stay strong and don't let him back into your life. Have a great time with your mom. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, i am pleased to say that I have finally ended this destructive relastionsship. It was really dragging me down, and I fina;y found the strength to write to him. he had begun constantly letting me down, and the stronger I became, the more he uppped his bad behaviour. Eg: not retuning calls, switching the phone off, not tunring up. I finally got to breaking point , as we were arguig all the time, and there was nothing good left either, and he kept on ending it then trying to sleep with me. I feel better, but the full shock of breaking it off has not hit me yet, and I am going to my Mums for xmas and leavig the phone, so i can relax andget some healing time. I'm sure i wil feel better in a week or so... got to hang on in there!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): It sounds like he's kinda emotionally unstable. I mean, it's normal to go through grieving from a divorce, but his emotional outbursts and "freaking out" (unless you're over exaggerrating his reactions) seems like he is more emotional or has a harder time dealing with his emotions than most people perhaps. Maybe this is why his marriage failed. Yes I know his wife cheated on him, but cheating usually doesn't happen for no reason but because of severe problems already existing in the relationship. it's normal for people to go through a tough time adjusting to life after divorce. Everyone has their own time frame, some people take longer than others. Maybe he is just taking really long and is actually not ready to be in a new relationship yet.there's no way to guarantee that you will always stay together. I mean, you can promise him right now that you'll never leave him, and you can mean it. But what if HE changes in the future in ways you don't anticipate? you just can't ever predict the future and shouldn't try to.if he wants a guarantee that you'll never leave him, the answer is not for you to give him that guarantee (because seeing where he's coming from it probably won't be enough for him anyway), but for him to figure out what he's lacking in security that he "needs" in order to feel OK again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): I know how your feeling as this happened to me but stupidly i feel inlove and in the end he dumped me anyway although i knew he loved me just as much as i did him but past hurt from previous women before me made it impossible for him to love and trust me completely in fear of getting hurt let him go as a future together is very bleak
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reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 September 2011):
 You should be scared. He sounds a bit unstable to be honest, and I would be worried that he would snap and do something violent.
He divorced 2 1/2 years ago. This isn't a case of a fresh, raw betrayal. This has been enough time for a person with a normal frame of mind to have come to grips with what happened and moved on.
I also don't buy his story because a guy who's been cheated on and had another divorce in which he lost his child doesn't normally react with the words "I won't be accountable to anyone". That is a strange reaction that does not fit with his backstory.
Listen to me very carefully. You do not compensate for what he or any other man says another girl did to him. You aren't responsible, and you don't have to "make up" for it in an attempt to heal him or whatever. To do so is to let him manipulate and control you.
I would back away from this guy. Even reading your post about him scared me. I think for your health's sake, you should tell him he's not ready, and that you want something different than he does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): If it were me I would back away from all of this completely, he sounds unstable. You don't need to be around his drama. This is why it is a good idea to discuss where a relationship is going and what past experiences are at the start and not let things evolve to more than they should be. You can easily get out of this before it causes you more pain.
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reader, Lola1  +, writes (9 September 2011):
 Well, first of all, we can never guarantee we will not hurt someone. All we can do is promise that we will always be honest and that we will honour our commitments to them (not to cheat, for example). Your relationship, at 6months of age, is still too new to guarantee you won’t lose interest. And if you lose interest before he does, that will hurt him.
It doesn’t sound to me as though he is in a healthy enough place to engage in a serious relationship.
I am confused about what you are scared of. Is it the burden he places on you when he confesses his baggage with such intensity? I would be afraid of that, too. Then I would end it, but that’s me…
At this point, you enjoy each other’s company, but you are still learning about each other. It should not be so emotionally intense that you’ve gone ‘too far’ for anything. I have always found that when relationships burn very brightly at the beginning, they can fizzle out more quickly. If you really like this man and want it to continue, then slow down and SAVOUR each step…
I recommend that you put this relationship back on track and quickly. Simply tell him that you are both new and enjoying the discovery process! This is a happy time and no one is making anyone promises to move in or get married or make babies just yet. Each of you should just take it one day at a time and see where it goes, so neither of you need fear anything.
You could also add that you did not cheat on him or take any children away, and ‘you trust’ that he isn’t going to try and have you pay for the misdeeds of other women. You have never given him any reason not to trust you, so while you are sorry he was hurt in the past, his doubt that you will be true is completely ridiculous. You expect to be given the benefit of the doubt.
Making up for the sins of others is hardly a good foundation upon which to build a happy future.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): He has a lot of healing to do and it doesn't sound like he's made it far in the grieving process. He is still in the anger stage, it seems. But on top of that his scars are very deep and he must work actively to at least close the wounds so that they can heal. This is very difficult to do.Grieving is different for everyone, and you can't force the issue. It is something that he must work on himself. But he can't do it alone. He may need counceling and therapy, but I know a lot of people do not believe in that, especially men in your age group. Maybe even couple's therapy will be helpful.The one thing you can do is continue to show that you are loving and not going to hurt him. However, if he is unable to begin true healing, then it won't be fair to you, either. You are not his ex and should not pay for her crimes. He may actively try to push you away. Just realize he's going to have tons of trust issues and that can cause more problems along the way.Also I hear although men complain more about marriage than women, they actually struggle more emotionally when they lose their wife. I think they heal less because they talk about it less.I think you have a hard road and unless he is willing to take steps to healing this relationship may not work out.
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