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My boyfriend is pulling away from me! please help!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 November 2012) 4 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My BF and I have been together for over a year and at first he was attentive by ways of calling me a couple times a days to say hi, sending sweet messages, spending the entire weekend with me, and trying new things with me that he knew I would enjoy. Within three months he thought it would be a good idea to move in together and I told him the person I moved in with I wanted to be my last because I suffered from extreme heartbreak from my last relationship moving in together rather quickly and wanted to be cautious and sure this time around. He agreed but stated that he viewed our relationship as headed to one that led to marriage so I didn't object to his moving in. He asked me if I could see a future in us and I stated yes I could and he seemed happy. He always initiated conversations about what he wanted for his future and would ask me if that was what I wanted (which it was) and I thought everything was going great. He later suggested that we open a bank account together and put all of our bills in the same account. He was previously married and had a vehicle in both of their names and I needed health insurance at the time so he suggested that we refinance the vehicle with both of our names and we could use it to get me health insurance with his company. I was a little wary that maybe he might change he mind down the road and then we would be stuck together with this car and not together so I was slow to agree until we were together longer and we were sure we wanted to be together long term. I know that I am overly cautious and insecure at times and at my own personal low point accused him of seeing other people even though we were living together (irrational I know) and he in anger moved out. A couple of days later I called him to see if it was a "break" or a "break up" and he said that it wasn't a break he just needed time to think and we reconciled but didn't move back in together. He later readdressed the issue of the car and me thinking we were still on the same page of our relationship I agreed to refinance and retitle the car. Things were ok for a while after that and he was up for a promotion at work that he worked super hard for but ultimately didn't get it. Thing started to go downhill after that.

He used to come over frequently but over time would hardly ever come by and he would suggest me coming by him which I didn't mind. We stopped really going out on dates and would stay at home mostly. Later on when I asked him what does he see in our future and he replied that he doesn't know what he wants whether it be that he is single, or move away, or get married. That obviously hurt my feelings because I thought that we were moving forward together and told him that him saying that hurt me and that I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who wants forever with me. He replied that he wanted us to work and we continued to stay together.

Not to long after that we went on vacation and he seemed normal but when we got back he was spending less and less time with me and eventually one night he called me drunk which he has never drank around me our entire relationship and told me he wasn't worth anything that his life is upside down, doesn't know who his friends are, everyone he knows sucks and wanted to die. I told him that was a bold statement and does everyone including me? He said no but again said he doesn't know what he wants :/

I couldn't believe my ears coming from a man that seemed to sure of himself and what he wanted from me at the beginning so I tried to calm him and told him that maybe he just needs to rest and he'll feel better in the morning. Well he wasn't better, I visited him and he was talkative but distant and a couple of days later I asked him if he was ok and if he still wanted a future with me. He stated yes...paused... then said that he doesn't like himself, he actually hates himself that he is afraid for me more than him. That he dreams at night that he died and wakes up at peace. (???) I told him that I love him and I don't know how to help him but that Im hear for him if he needs me but if he wants me to go I will. He says that its not me its him and if there was any girl that he could be married to it would be me and that I'm the best girl he ever met. He stated he didn't want me to go but he needs to "fix his shit" and suggested he go to therapy. That was weeks ago. He hasn't made any appointments. I have seen him maybe two days in over three weeks. He calls daily but our conversations are short and dry. I'm at a lost at what to do. Should I continue to lay low and just be here when he comes out of his funk? Should I put pressure to make an appointment with a doctor? This is so hard because I've never had this happen before I don't know if I'm being dense and he doesn't want to be the bad guy and break up or if he just depressed and he'll snap out of it eventually but this distance is taking its toll on me and I'm constantly worried about him and us. I'm going to go crazy. I'm a very happy person that has had success at work which he is always been supportive of but I think maybe the lost of his promotion is the catalyst? Part of me feels I should let go of him because he is getting worst and worst and its affecting it seem like all aspects of my life now. I know I cant fix him but abandoning him now makes my stomach turn. I deeply love this man but don't know what I should do. Anyone have any guidance?

View related questions: a break, at work, depressed, drunk, insecure, moved in, moved out

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012):

I think you should break up with him, but continue to support him as a friend. He's a mess right now, he's in serious need of therapy or medication or both but he has yet to get any. He's not in any shape to be part of a couple because he's so unstable he'll just yank his partner around as his moods change, which you've experienced.

I think he could very well make a good life partner, but not in this present condition. he needs to get himself sorted out first and stabilized and then you can have a real relationship. in the meantime don't be his enabler. If he's messing with your mind (whether intentionally or not), you need to get out of this relationship. let him sort himself out first and in the future when he's more emotionally stable to where his words and actions are consistent, you can try again. in the meantime you can support him but from arm's length distance, as a friend.

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A male reader, Beautifulboy United States +, writes (10 November 2012):

he dosent love himself so he cant love you even if he tried.. an as far as you, when he said he dosent know what he wants, you replied.." i wanted to be in a relationship with someone who wants 4ever with me!" lol i wanted to be in a relationship with "SOMEONE" who wants forever with me!! do you get it sweetie?? you referred to him as "someone" not i wanted "YOU" to want forever with me but someone! THUS PROVES that you are not in love with this guy cuz you cant even say i wanted you.. but you want SOMEONE to LOVE YOU.. end of story.. you can try to female justify this but the proof is literally in black in white on your comment... i wanted someone who wants 4ever with me NOT NOT NOT Iwant 4ever with you.. drop this sick relationship and find true love... my guess is that your last love, you either still are in love with him or, your not in love with him BUT dont love this giy cuz your still not over your ex... you just miss the feeling of love but truth is if your ex called you right now and said.. i love you and i want to be with you, you would crush this other dude and come running to your ex.. yiur ex is truely all and ever will be the only person you want for life.. good luck

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (9 November 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWow... I can't believe my good fortune! Just before seeing this submittal, I responded to the one above it ("I feel uneasy about my boyfriend!")... and this submittal takes the very same reply.... repeated herein:

(Quote) Here's the key phrase in your submittal:

"...he loves me back, least that's what everyone including him tells me."

It is SO SIMPLE to say "I love you".... but oh-so-difficult to back it up with the appropriate actions...

YOU have described a guy who is "talking that talk"... but not "walking that walk."

I suggest that you think long and hard about whether or not you are really better off with a guy who will TELL YOU he loves you... or one who SHOWS YOU that he loves you..

Good luck.... (Close quote)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012):

Sounds like his real goal was help on paying the car and then his conscience got the better of him and he felt bad but not too bad obviously because now he's trying to disappear and make you feel sorry for him while he's pulling the wool over your eyes once again.

Next time, if you want something permanent, don't move in with a guy until you get married or at least a ring and a wedding date set.

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