A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf of two and a half years will not have sex with me. I have never had sex before and REALLY want to with him but everytime I try to initiate it, he turns me down. I have spoken to him about this three time over the past year but he has come up with the following reasons as to why we can't have sex1. I am not ready2. We are not living together ( we do live together now)3. He was respecting me by waiting (???)All this after I ASKED him to have sex with me. I feel terrible about this and my self esteem has been shot to pieces. I am 24 years old and have never experienced what it is like to make love and it makes me really upset. I don't know what to do anymore, it just hurts so much. Please help me.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (10 January 2010):
 Thanks for the further information. That does clear out a lot of the possibilities. Not a virgin not hiding an erection problem. Not homosexual. It does leave two ugly possibilities.
1) Selfish lover.
2) poor communication
Probably a combination of both. Since you are giving him oral sex he is content with the way things are. After he finishes he will be in no shape to satisfy you. And he still isn't getting the message about your needs and desires.
The good news is that selfish lovers can be cured. You are going to have to put your foot down and cut him off. No more oral until you get yours first. Usually I wouldn't recommend withholding sex as a bargaining tool but this is an extreme case.
Reminds me of a story my dad used to tell. A farmer bought a donkey from his neighbor. The neighbor told him that if he just gave the donkey plenty of love the donkey would work all day. The next day the farmer hitched the donkey to his cart. The donkey sat down and refused to move. So the farmer went to his neighbor for help. The neighbor picked up a 2x4 and smacked the donkey right between the eyes. The donkey jumped up and started pulling the cart. The farmer , flabbergasted, said you said to give him lots of love then you hit him with a board. The neighbor replied, well, I had to get his attention.
Get his attention by cutting him off, then you can give him all the love he needs. There was a post on this topic this week that you both should read through. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-after-an-orgasm-do-men-leave-women.html
Sounds like you two have a committed relationship, the only problem is that he is selfish or lazy in bed. Good luck working this out.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): Thank you so much for the replies-
I wasnt clear when I asked the question but for the first reason in which I say 1. I wasnt ready that is him telling me that I (as in me) am not ready. He believes that I am not ready to have sex!!! Even thought I have ASKED him to have sex with me.
I give him oral sex which he is happy with its just he will not go beyond that even if I practically beg him to make love to me.
Also he has had sexual partners before- and I know for a fact (as he has told me) that he has never waited two years.
We now live together and are talking about marriage and we do sleep in the same bed. he is not seeing anyone else (he spends all his time with me) and everything else is just fine. Just no love making
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 You have not say anything about 'foreplay'. Do you have fore play with him? if not, then you have to reconsider your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Maybe he has a peensy pecker and doesn't want you to see it?
I know it sounds like a joke, ..but I am actually serious, this could be his hang up - if not one of the many things mentioned by others.
Have you checked out the package to verify otherwise?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (9 January 2010):
I gotta admit that's pretty strange. It kid of says sexual orientation problem to me. Back in my day a homosexual man would move in with a girl in order to present a normal facade to the world. If you go back another generation they often married to avoid persecution. Homosexuality is more accepted now, but you have to wonder why he is committed to you in every other way, but resists this.
I'm assuming that as he lives with you he is not involved in any other relationship. I'm also assuming that he has never pushed you for marriage. Moving in is almost defacto or common law marriage any more. In my own experience I can think of one roommate situation where these assumptions would have been totally wrong. But he was not homosexual, and she was not trying to have sex with him, they really were just roommates.
So the choices as I see it are:
1) he doesn't love you, and like me believes that love comes before making love.
or 2) He isn't sexually attracted to you, either due to sexual orientation or something else.
or 3) He is afraid of getting committed.
I know 3 sounds weird but think what could happen to him if he had sex with you and some thing went wrong. He would be out a friend and a place to live. On the other hand it appears that your frustration is to the level that he might be soon out of a place to live.
Some other information that might shed some light on this. How old is he? Is he also a virgin? Does he have strong religious beliefs? Do you have the supplies handy for safe sex? Does he have any medical condition that might affect safety or ability to have sex? You probably don't have the answer to that one. Is communication good between you two?
Personally I don't believe in having sex just to get your card punched, or even in casual sex (as we called it in the 80's). I believe in sex only in a committed trusting relationship. That may color my opinion of this whole matter.
FA
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 January 2010):
Well unfortunately, if he's not ready then that's his choice.
Is he waiting for marriage?
I think you need to consider this relationship very carefully. What do you see in terms of the future. Could this be a man you'd marry? If so then talk to him about it and once there is a commitment, he may loosen up.
If you just can't see him and you getting through all the hard times that marriage will bring, then you may want to ask yourself if it's worth ending this now so you can find a man who will be all the things you want a boyfriend to be.
You are still young and waiting for marriage to have sex in this day and age is not something I really think is a good idea unless you are a very religious person.
A boyfriend may be all you want at the moment, so find a man who wants to go further than holding hands.
Good Luck!! xx
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