A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Help! My partner of 4 years has taken a couple of months to do a round-the-world trip, following a life dream... he asked me to come, but I knew he needed to do this by himself, and he thanked me for giving him his freedom, and said that he wouldnt abuse it - he knew it was a real gift, and he loved me more for not questioning him. I trust him implicitly. However, I woke up last week with this horrible pang of intuition - I can't explain it - but I just felt really suspicious. I couldn't shake the feeling all day - I thought I was going mad. I know his e-mail password because I have seen him putting it so many times (he even knows I know it) - so I did something awful and checked his messages. This is the first time I have ever done something like that. Now I wish I hadn't. There were two messages from the same girl. They were quite ambiguous, so I don't want to accuse him unnecessarily, and expose the fact that I have gone through his messages, which is a huge invasion of his privacy. The first message said, "I don't know whether I was clear, but I really do want to see you again." Short and sweet, no deatils. The next day, another message from her saying: "I don't know if you got my message. Perhaps I'll see you in [the next town], to do what I really want to do again." He replied, saying, "cool, maybe I'll see you there". Thats it. He phoned that night to tell me I was the love of his life, he wants to be with me forever. I didn't know what to do - I didn't bring up the messages, because they were so ambiguous. But as much as I loved hearing his sudden commitment, I can't stop obsessing. I don't know what they mean! I am freaking out!! I really don't know what to do... any advice? (by the way: to be honest, as long as he didn't have sex with her, I am ok... this is where I draw the "line" is - because I haven't seen him in 2 months, this is the only "suspicious" message in his entire inbox - I don't know if that changes anything - or am I just making excuses for him?) Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Spirit_Of_Iona +, writes (24 July 2008):
 I agree that's a loving position to take and already I suspect you are feeling happier and brighter SoIxx
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (24 July 2008):
 Hey, sounds like you've got your head around this and are thinking logically now. Good news. I hope you two have a very happy reunion and a great future together. Take care and don't forget to invite us to the wedding. ;)
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (23 July 2008):
 LOL... now that's an update I really like... LOL... yes girlfriend, it's your time now, go out and make yourself feel good. Your the most important thing right now. Take care, blessings. Thanks for the response, now that made me smile. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice! I think that I - that we - have officially thought this issue to death!! Reading through all your responses, I have just realised how trivial it all is at the end of the day... I love him, I trust him, and I gave him the freedom to go and "find himself" or whatever he is doing - so all I can do is sit back and relax, and wait for him to return. I have also realised - through all your wonderful responses - that perhaps his so-called "fidelity" isn't even the real issue here - perhaps I have my own doubts about certain aspects of our relationship, and I am merely projecting these onto him. It's not fair, he hasn't officially done anything "wrong", and I am becoming like a neurotic paranoid freak, which is just SUCH a waste of time and energy. You're right: I SHOULD be using this time to get to know myself again, to get in touch with who I am and what I need, love, enjoy, etc outside of being someone's "long-suffering girlfriend" - I should be obsessing about myself, and all this spare time I have at the moment, rather than obsessing about what he is or isn't doing on the other side of the world! So thank you - everyone - for taking the time to read my "story" and offer your advice. It means more than you will ever know! ;)
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (23 July 2008):
I agree Spirit Of Iona, fears come and fears go and waste a lot of time. Just wait untill he comes back, and then you'll know for sure.
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A
male
reader, Spirit_Of_Iona +, writes (23 July 2008):
I am with Diovan on this as I said previously you need to get the full facts instead of allowing this exocet to hit your heart sit there and burn.As I said She sent him an e-mail to meet in the next town so whatever was going on can't have been that intense else she would have been in bed beside him no need for an e-mail. It appears you have made your mind up on this one and are willing to think the worstand crucially the only one who is hurting is you Sir Thomas Moore Once said that "If troubles come not then our fears are in vain, but if troubles come then fear but augments the pain" If this is nothing you've lost weeks of your life worrying about it if it is something you'll live the heartache all over again with the free bonus of tearing your heart apart telling yourself I knew itYou seem to be attaining critical mass over this issue when the loving thing would be to excercise self control and think the best not the worst. Put the control rods back in the reactor and address the situation calmly. ASK HIM innocently did you meet anyone nice on your travels and see his response then you will gauge whether it is something or nothing AND DONT PREJUDGE THE ANSWER. Ask him any nice girls, your his love you need reassurance after all he's a red blooded male he has a sex drive hes not a monk in a monastery, take him offguard as you are more likely to get an honest answer. And if he did transgress what then...In my book you have three options you can do the loving thing and forgive him and forget it, excercise your right and dump him or stay in the relationship bottle it up feeling jealous bitter and twisted...until he leaves in which case you are the one whose heart is damaged.The choice is yours
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (23 July 2008):
"I want to do it AGAIN"..... Ok lets try this....
Boyfriend needs to find himself before he settles down, understanding girlfriend says "ok piss off and do what you got to do".... She's knows this is a test, and she's willing to wait, even if she bloody has to help him financially and emotionally whilst his away. Things happen and she knows this, but he should be faithfull and not have sexual intercourse with anybody else....
Now back to the story.....Boyfreind meets girl in Timbucktoo, they exchange e-mails. He puts the paper in his pocket and forgets all about it. She texts him "I really want to see you again", he thinks "Stuff that" and dosen't even answer. She is determined so she text's again "meet me", he texts back "sure sometime never".... He deletes her number, throws away the peice of paper, deletes her email and phones his girlfriend right away. "I love you, I want to marry you, I'm coming home"... he then goes on with the trip, missing girlfiend even more.......
The girl he met liked him a lot, what does she want to do again, talk to him? kiss him? share oral sex? have sexual intercourse? Have anal sex? Well to tell the truth we don't know. But whatever it is, the girl is chasing him, she wants to do something again, probably meet up, who knows, but your guy aint interested, that girl isn't even a memory to him.
"There has been no continued correspondence between them, but in my eyes, this is a worse confession of guilt than continuing the dialogue...!" You aren't thinking straight, your thinking is ILLOGICAL.... Why are you unhappy that he deleted anything to do with this girl. Unless your guy is known for sleeping with a woman, dump her, and avoid her the next day, I would say "again" wasn't anything bad. They shared a coffe, a drink, they were flirting, they had a kiss.... what, it's nothing important and neither was she, that's why she got deleted and dumped in the bin.
This was a test, and you failed. But that's alright because a woman's intution is a very strong thing. Something went on, but what, intution dosen't tell us what. To know what happened you need to talk face-to-face. You know your guy, you'll know when he lies. It's honesty time when he gets back, everybody has to lay their cards on the table.
He's dosen't seem to be the kind of person to sneak behind your back. You got his passwords, he knew you could look at any time. Why didn't he just create another e-mail account and give her that, if he was gonna sleep around. Nothing seems to be hidden, all you found out is he met some girl, and now their not in contact.
Talk to him when he comes back. Don't be ashamed, you have nothing to hide. He went away, and your intution told you he had met some girl. Well you looked and he had, and your intution wasn't wrong. We're women, we got to follow our instincts to keep safe. Ask him who the hell the girl is and what happened when they met up. Who knows a little jealously from the bride to be, might just convince him that she loves him as well. Good luck, please keep us updated, we'd all love to know how you got on. Blessings to both of you.
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A
female
reader, dr.know +, writes (23 July 2008):
 Truly and honestly, I think you are giving this toooo much energy. I feel like he went out to explore the idea whether or not he wants to take this relationship to the next level and I feel this is your time to do the same. This is your time away from him, too...use it wisely...
I also believe that is exactly what he did, explore the idea. I think your intuition, the email and his over commitment call is suspicious and should warrant your need to know more.
The only way to handle this is to be proactive and honest, sneaking around trying to fish for more information isn't going to do anything but prove that you are underhanded and sneaky, the same character flaws you are assuming he has... be wiser than that, don't allow your stress from missing him and your anger for not going on the trip with him cloud your good judgment.
You seem like an open minded girlfriend because you "let him go" and that is probably one of the reasons he loves you so dearly. I also think you are not honest with yourself and with him because if you really did want to go with him you should of communicated that.
So I suggest you get control of your thoughts and actions, don't torture yourself with assumptions and images of him with another woman or any other negative thoughts, it's not healthy to do that to yourself. Keep your mind clear til you get the truth.
2 weeks is not that far away, keep yourself busy "doing you" and when he comes home before you make that final commitment, speak your truths to him and make a place for him to speak his. This is the best way to go...This will yield back the highest return and you will be pleased with the outcome.
He doesn't sound all bad...just continue to trust your intuition and don't allow anger and fear to mislead you! You will know the truth when it is said to you. I wish you joy and happiness as you seek to tell and hear the truth...
Be Free!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (23 July 2008):
I do feel for you. You are in a very awful and frustrating position here. This trip he's gone on has brought things to a head. He's told you now that you are the love of his life and he wants to be with you forever. But this feels like it falls on the heels of something that happened with some girl.
You've been waiting for him for four years, he goes off on a world trip without you, you stay home and play caretaker for him.
Um, I have to say that he's not that young at 30. He should have enough information about himself and your relationship after 4 years to make this commitment.
You've reached a decision point here. You have some knowledge about this email.
You know, what I would do is see how things are with him when he gets back. This intuition you have may tell you a lot then, but only if you're calm.
You've been together four years, he's been gone for 2 months. There are many people who are separated by military duties and job requirements for longer than this.
So while I know you are feeling nauseous right now, it might not be a bad idea to pull yourself together, and think about what YOU want from this relationship. If you've waited for four years for him to commit, let's see what he does come home with. That phone call may have been a guilt appeasement on his part.
I'd be thinking about what I want and what I need and what I deserve. And then I'd spell that out to him. I might give this email and its implications a pass if I truly thought it was an aberration. But I would be exra prickly and pay a lot of attention to his actions, not his words.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (23 July 2008):
 If you've been with this guy for 4 yrs and this is the first time you've had such a strong gut feeling, I would follow it. I also agree with your analysis of the situation. Whatever you decide to do, just don't let it go or let it build up into resentment and paranoia. I think you will have a much better idea when he comes back and you tell him about your gut feelings and see how he reacts and how he handles it. You sound very perceptive and you may know right off the bat when you see him. I also agree this is not some randomly distributed sex email and he may even confess to almost taking something too far. For this reason, I would not tell him you checked his email account, let him tell you about his trip and think carefully before you get reactive and start accusing him of anything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for all your thoughts...
To sum up, there are 3 things I am unhappy about:
1. That she used the word "again" - you know, that she wanted "to do it AGAIN"... I can understand if a chick e-mails a hot guy and says "I want to do something to you..." yadda yadda yadda... but when she says, "I want to do it AGAIN", it sort of changes the dynamic a bit...!
2. If it was innocent, he would not have deleted the messages... Honestly, when I checked again, the next day - just to see whether I had imagined the whole thing - they had disappeared! I went to the "bin" section, and it turns out they are the ONLY messages he has deleted in over a year!!! There has been no continued correspondence between them, but in my eyes, this is a worse confession of guilt than continuing the dialogue...! ;/
3. In response to Tisha - yeah, I suppose I am a bit %&*d off that he has gone on this trip! One of the issues in our relationship is that he has a fear of commitment/responsibility/adulthood etc... and I thought maybe he needed to get some stuff "out his system", as it were, before he was able to commit to me fully. Which is why I "let him go", no questions asked... And yet I am the one staying at home, running things, posting him money etc when he needs it, when he is having the time of his life! So yeah, I suppose in any other circumstances - a young-ish guy (30) taking a trip around the world isn't exactly the worst thing ever, and so what if he has a bit of "fun" along the way? - but to be honest, I do feel a bit like the "long-suffering" girlfriend, waiting for him to grow up and get a grip... and when I got a hint that he's been unfaithful to me - no wonder I hit the roof!!
The ultimate question is: as much as I want to confront him about this, do I tell him I read his mail? Is this justifiable under any circumstances?? Or should I just let it lie... or come up with some other way of forcing him to "confess"... because, the fact is, I know, deep down, that he did something with his girl... I think it was just once, and I don't even know if he slept with her - but he obviously felt guilty enough about it to delete her messages, and phone and make a commitment to me.
You know... he strange thing is, all I have wanted from him is this sort of commitment.... But knowing that it is based on his guilt, and an indiscretion with another girl, is making me so nauseous I can hardly breathe....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (23 July 2008):
The other thing to consider is that you have some hidden anger about this trip that he took. Yes, he invited you, but he really wanted to do this by himself. So maybe even though you were gracious and said 'go' to him, you subconsciously really resent that he did. And that he's been out there, seeing the world and you've been worried about him.
And this email exchange gives you something to be angry about with him, something concrete (until he deleted it), and not the real issue for you, which is that he felt the need to do this and was happy to do it without you.
That's what would stick in my craw. That he didn't insist you come and enjoy the adventure with him.
It's getting close to the time he comes home (sorry I said 10 months, I hadn't read the timeline correctly), you're feeling unsettled by this, and you have some good reason.
So think about the hidden anger that you might be nursing about this once in a lifetime around the world trip that he didn't take you with him....
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A
male
reader, Spirit_Of_Iona +, writes (23 July 2008):
Having read the reply it could mean he just dismissed the conversation and even if there was an e-mail saying "Hey sexy I want to s--g your brains out" from her what would that prove...
Diddley Squat I got an IM from Belinda big boobs (not real name) I didn't IM her it was the IM catcher picked it up So what if there was an e- all it shows is that she sent it not that they did the deed.
For your part remember that Love believes the best not the worst especially in cases where we cannot really know the truth about a persons guilt or motives. If the half picture your seeing is not what it appears then you do him a great wrong so guard against being overly suspicious or cynical
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A
male
reader, Spirit_Of_Iona +, writes (23 July 2008):
Having seen the thread I wouldn't pretend to be him for one reason if he does meet her in the next town you've just made him seem interested in whatever it is she proposed (you don't know what that is). I cannot condone deception to get at the truth as two wrongs don't make a right, that being said I have not come up with a valid activity for the language used (if they are word for word) it maybe an innocent activity they did together. One thing to take heart over is that she definitely isn't travelling with him as why the e-mails. For if they had have hooked up, they would have been together with no need for e-mails.
I would not jump to any conclusions and his telephone call may suggest he may have been tempted is feeling guilty and rang you to reassure you that he loves you yes I know but in that way he reassures himself that he is being faithful and before the ladies say in one voice baloney... I have done it myself so no it isn't.
I suspect as long as there are e-mails then you are safe...after all it may be to see him have a drink and a chat.
Monitor the e-mails that's all for you have the permission to do that
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (23 July 2008):
You can always see if he uses the same password to check his cell phone account online. You can pull up who he's called and see if there is any unfamiliar phone number he calls regularly. Usually when people email, they aren't especially s-p-e-l-l-e-d out as far as details. I think inuition is the best gift ever and I always rely on it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): Hi there. My boyfriend went away for 5 months last year. For the first 6 weeks we were in constant contact and he was feeling very vulnerable. I never ever thought of checking up on him because I too trusted him 100% and he was so reassuring. I felt so totally confident. I remember starting to feel anxious when I didn't hear from him and my intuition kicked in majorly. To cut a very long story short, he did indeed end up meeting a girl (a young one at that) who did keep chippig away at him through text messages and phone calls. I found out by snooping. I couldn't help it either. I needed to know. He went out with her for 3 months while he was away. It took 1 month of her being very persistant...I didn't want to believe it at the start, so I kept turning a blind eye. The thing is, you only start to snoop because you know your going to find something you don't like. I don't condone snooping whatsover, however, the lies and lack of communication turn you into a low self esteemed needy person. It's a horrible situation and I feel for you. By the sounds, it's nothing as yet. However, knowing what girls are like, she'll keep plugging away until she get him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, and then I did something stupid and checked again a few days later. I just wanted to see if there was any more correspondence between them... Really weird thing: he has DELETED the entire conversation. The only conversation he has EVER deleted. Seriously. So, instead of making me relieved that it was a one-off thing, now I am even MORE suspicious, because I know he wouldn't have deleted the messages except to pacify his own guilt! I know this seems like a rather petty and irrelevant issue in the grand scheme of things, but when you are about to commit to someone forever, something like this becomes a MAJOR thing. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe I'm just CREATING more of an issue than it's worth, as a sort of possible "get out card" for myself, because maybe I have doubts about the relationship... I suppose everybody does, after 4 years! I sort of agree with DiovanLestat that I should speak to him when he gets back - in 2 weeks' time! - although, even if he is innocent, and this chick is a fruitcake, how can I justify checking his messages? It's weird, I know it was wrong to log into his account at the time, but it's like my "reptilian" brain was in control - I didn;t even think about it too much - it was pure instinct! But you're right... I haven't seen him in months, contact has been very sporadic, and as much as I'd like to think I trust him, just this ONE incident has given me reason to doubt him... But how can I really justify my invasion of his privacy, when the messages themselves are so ambiguous? If there was a message saying, "hey sexy, I want to shag your brains out AGAIN", well, then I WOULD be able to confront him... but her messages don't say that... and yet, and yet... the only reason I checked them was because I had a "hunch", because of my intuition. If you're someone who believes in intuition, it's more "truthful" than any particular words you read.... Why did I feel compelled to check his messages in the first place? I can't justify it rationally, because the whole thing was based on "hunch". And I suppose I believe in "hunches", which is why I can't seem to let this go, despite my best efforts to the contrary!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (23 July 2008):
It's interesting that he gave a girl his email address, when he knew you had access to it. His reply sounds like he really isn't that interested in whatever it is she is proposing.
Still, I'd be tempted to do what oldersister has proposed. But you may not like what you find out from the answer...
It may be that he's had a huge temptation and has resisted. It could also be that he succumbed and regrets it now and it'll never happen again. Tough call.
You could tell him that you were very surprised by his love declaration and wondered what it was that prompted it. By any chance, you could ask, have you been tempted by another woman?
I'm guessing that you'll be keeping an eye on that mailbox. You might wait to see what happens next. After all, he's gone for another 10 months? If she emails again desperately, you'll know he blew her off, only he wasn't as honest about it as he could be.
Don't panic, think calmly. Breathe. Remember that you two do share something special together. But listen to your intuition and pay attention.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (23 July 2008):
no, what I'm suggesting is not ethical at all and you are right, it's another level of betrayal. I'm probably horrible for suggesting it but it crossed my mind. You know, once someone has an intuition that something is going on to the point where they start checking, it's hard for me to tell that person to stuff it and wait it out.
Had you written in and not checked his email, I would have told you not to because it's opening a can of worms and secrecy enters the relationship. That line has been crossed now and I would probably email her if it was me. If it turned out to be nothing, I would label her email as spam or block it and delete all evidence of what I did and never tell him and feel like a total idiot, go buy some books on how to trust, and maybe even go to therapy to learn how to not be so fucked up in relationships.
I have never done what I'm suggesting but I can't say I wouldn't do it in your position. I set my boundary at not exchanges passwords and discussing any mistrust issues I have. Before, years ago, I have driven by a guy's house and searched his room and both times I found out what I suspected. I didn't feel bad and they never knew.
It could blow up in your face if you got caught so you have to decide how bad you want to find out. The other consideration is what if he did do something? Are you prepared to tell him how you found out? Think long term here. I would never tell him how I found out, I'd just dump him when he came back and leave the relationship with some dignity. I wouldn't give him the chance to think "she was a crazy bitch anyway so I'm glad she's gone". I'd want him to think "wow, she was the best thing that ever happened to me and as much as I'd hate to admit, she was just too good for me".
Just don't sit around suffering and obsessing in silence okay? Either get your little hands dirty or confront him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing that gets me is the "to do what I really want to do again" - what could they "do again"? And why did he phone the next day, almost over-committed?
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (23 July 2008):
Sorry just saw your update. I should have said before, ask him, stuff the privacy, he went away a long time. You had a feeling and started to worry and now your confused. Wait untill he comes back, and then ask him. If he's nothing to hide he should understand. It's not something you normally do, but it's been a long time and you had an intution. As him if the emails mean that your intution was right.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi "oldersister"
do you really think that pretending to be him, e-mailing her, is the same thing as checking his messages (for which I have the password anyway?), ethically speaking? This seems like a whole new level of betrayal, and I don't want to turn into the bad-guy here... although I must admit, I am driving myself so crazy at this point, I am even considering your suggestion! :(
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (23 July 2008):
Since the damage is already done by looking at his emails, why don't you email her from his account and ask "what do you mean by do what we did again?" Delete it from the sent messages and wait for a reply.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (23 July 2008):
She texts him "I really want to see you again", he thinks "Stuff that" and dosen't even answer. She is determined so she text's again "meet me", he texts back "sure sometime never".... No problem, he goes on with the trip.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers + ♥, writes (23 July 2008):
So this girls meets him when drunk in Timbucktoo and they get chatting and exchange emails. He thinks she's a nice girl and is friendly. She thinks he's amazing and emails him "I want to see you again."
He then thinks, "shit, was I flirting? Did she not know I have a girlfriend? I just won't reply."
She emails "did you get my message, I hope we can meet up in Timbuckthree"
He realises he has to say something and then chickens out and says "yeah cool" so he can let her down gently when he next sees her rather than doing the whole obnoxious "yeah, I can understand you are probably in love with me as I am so hot, but really, you don't stand a chance."
Have you never got chatting with a guy and then realised he might have thought you were flirting afterwards? He's said "yeah cool." It's hardly "be at my hotel room at 7, bring condoms and a hot girlfriend."
I know how hard it can be when your other half disappears for several months. The doubt creeps in slowly and gets you in dreams and in the quiet moments. But really, you have to trust him. He's told you how much he loves you again and again. You just have to keep on missing him and knowing that he misses you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionp.s. he said that he basically wants to come back and marry me... He says he has realised, over the course of this trip, that I am "the one". I was so happy to hear this, but, since reading these messages, it feels as thoug I have a stone in the pit of my stomach. I told him, when he phoned, that I had had a really weird "vibe" all day, and I asked him straight-out whether he had been with another woman. He was utterly shocked that I had even asked (a bit too "shocked", if you ask me...) Do I trust my intuition, or do I trust him? And even if I trust my intuition, has he really done something THAT bad? He is not a bad person, and I really do love him... I suppose he is just human, like the rest of us... but how can I walk down the aisle with someone when I can't get the image of him with someone else out of my head? I have tried to "relativize" the situation, to put myself in his shoes... But how can I spend the rest of my life with someone when this suspicion is eating me alive?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): In all honesty these messages do sound slightly suspicious. They are rather ambiguous but even if they do mean something untoward there is no evidence that your partner is responding in any way. He tells you that he loves you and you are the love of his life then you must trust his word. I wouldnt really advise telling him you read his messages, he may feel betrayed, he already said he wouldnt betray your trust and appreciates your trust. The only thing you can do is wait until he gets back and see the situation then.
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