A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm not sure what to do. I found out today that my boyfriend has been ringing sex chat lines on a very regular basis, sometimes two or three times a day. I also found that a couple of weeks ago he rang a woman who he used to sleep with. When I asked him why, he said he didn't have enough credit for the chat line, so he rang her, just so he coud hear a woman's voice, and then hang up and masturbate. I don't mind saying that I'm absolutely disgusted and I've felt sick ever since I found out. The thing is, he says he's also disgusted by himself but he can't stop doing it and reckons he's addicted. He has no money and is in a lot of debt which he's struggling with, but these chat lines are costing a fortune. He even rang one the other day after we had been sending naughty photos and text messages to each other. Obviously my photos and texts weren't enough for him and he had to ring up another woman to tell her what he wanted to do to her while masturbating. He has also always maintained that he never masturbates when we're not together as he wanted to save himself for me (we only see each other on weekends.) and he's always asked me to refrain as well. I don't know why he did this, I wouldn't have minded if he'd said he does it, it's something everyone does, so why did he pretend that he doesn't do it, when all the time he's talking dirty to other women? I asked him if I wasn't enough for him, and he said I am, but clearly I'm not. He's promised that he's never met up with any other women and he would never cheat on me or hurt me, but this does feel like cheating and I am hurt. He has said that he won't do it again, but to me it sounds like he has a proper addiction, so how can he just stop? And how do I know that he's actually going to stop? I love him and I want to put it behind us, but this has really damaged my trust in him and I'm just wondering what else he might be lying about.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): There is no way to stop the addiction. I have been calling http://cuteflirt.com chat line for as long as I can remember. I use it as entertaiment. If you cannot accept you boy friend calling a phone chat line, then leave him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, well thanks again for all your answers. It's been seven months since I found out about this and it's taken a LONG time for me to finally regain my trust in him and believe that he's not doing it any more.
Until Saturday when I found a receipt for a new pay-as-you-go SIM card he just bought. Normally I wouldn't think anything of it but I had to confront him and ask him why he bought a pay-as-you-go SIM card when he's already on a contract. First he tried to lie and say it was an old one, until I pointed out the date on the receipt says 18th October 2010.
He admitted that he bought the card with the intention of starting the phone calls again. Even though we almost split up over it last time, he knows he completely broke my heart over it. He seemed devastated and disgusted with himself when we were talking about it and I believed that this would be enough to stop him from doing it again.
But he still went and bought a card. He says he didn't even register it and didn't make any phone calls, but the very fact that he went into a shop, bought a SIM card, sat on the bus all the way home and put the card in the phone with every intention of using it for his dirty sexual thrills, just makes me sick. After all we've been through and after how much he knows he hurt me, he was still going to start again.
He said he knows it's taken a long time for me to trust him again and now he's gone an f**ked it all up again. Too right he has. When I found that SIM card, I was all ready to send him home and never see him again. But if he says he didn't use it, then I have to believe him otherwise there's nothing left.
In every other way, our relationship is amazing. We can read each other like a book, connect on so many levels, we have lots in common and go out and do lots of fun stuff together and he spoils me and treats me like a princess. So why is he prepared to throw all this away just to get a strange woman to talk dirty to him? He won't even talk to me in that way and his reason for this is "Because I love you." He can't talk dirty to me because he loves me? I don't understand that at all.
Anyway, I told him in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate this any more. If anything else happens, then that's it, the end of the road. I love him so much and cannot imagine life without him, but I absolutely cannot be with someone that I can't trust. Without trust, there is no love. So next time he's tempted, he has to think about what's more important to him, our relationship, or his disgusting little thrills, because he can only have one or the other.
But if he's bought another card once with the intention of starting again, despite everything we've been through because of it, then I'm just waiting for the day when he finally gives in and do it again, because I'm pretty sure that he will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): you wont be able to forgive and forget...its not as if hes just pinched your gnome from your garden....you could forgive that! i found out my partner(although we lived in seperate houses)was ringing up prostitutes several times a month(167 a quater to be precised by the phone bill). he said nothing happened.....i dumped him...and then all of a sudden he wants to marry me blah de blah de blah!!! we had a fantistic wedding the best everyone said they had ever been to...that was 10 months ago....but i have left him now.....i cant forgive and forget, If you are not enough for him....then move on to somebody that thinks youre their world! good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Hi , I am going through a very similar situatio myself, I have only been married 3 years and just before xmas 2009 i found out by accident that my husband had been masturbating for the last 2 years over sext text lines spending over £16,000 on them, once caught i went through all the usual emotions, he is now in debt and as run out of money, but it hasnt stopped him, because i found out just yesterday he is still doing it, may i add we have now parted. I have had to deal with every feeling in the book, it's hard when you love somebody so much, and ihave spent so much time crying, but when you loose trust in somebody, the relationship is most probably over, you may not think it at the moment, but you may build a resentment you can't deal with, it has destroyed us, i hope you can sort it out, good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I know how you feel, I'm 18 my boyfriend is 19 and he's been doing it since he's 10. His mum and dad had to pay all the phone bills. He promised months ago he'd stopped until I saw this months phone bill. I also feel like I'm not enough. After all
this he wonders why I don't think I'm pretty. I love him too much to leave him. But talking about it calmy has helped. Just hoping he won't do it again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies and thanks for being understanding. It's not his normal phone he's been using, it's an old phone that he said he doesn't use any more and only kept to use as his alarm clock. I considered asking him to give me the phone as these chat lines are the only thing he uses it for, he has a separate phone for 'regular' use. But I thought I'd give him a chance first, see if he can do this on his own. And if he can stop doing it while the phone is still there, then that will help to show that I can trust him not to give in to temptation. If I find out he's still doing it, then I will ask him to give me the phone and there's no reason why he should refuse if he's serious about wanting to stop.
He was very upset when I confronted him and I could see how sorry he was for hurting me, so I do believe he's not doing it on purpose and he really can't help it. I still kind of feel like I've been cheated on, though, and he's going to have to work hard to rebuild my trust. I'm trying to think of it in the way of a gambling addiction or alcoholism or something, to try and feel less betrayed by the sexual aspect of it. I will stand by him if it's a genuine addiction and something he can't help, but I think it might be difficult and take a long time to get back to normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): If he is addicted he needs to DEAL WITH IT, not continue it. This is as bad as gambling. He can not afford making these calls, not to mention it damages the relationship with you! He should get rid of his phone. Seriously. Take it away from him. Some times people need tough love. He is a grown man and needs to learn to take responsibility. If not, leave him. He will only bring his dept and problems over onto you, and you might find yourself having to pay for his sex calls one day.
So take the phone away from him. He probably has a computer that he can send you messages on msn from, so you can still communicate. Then he needs to get to counseling, or find something to replace the phone calls with. Him calling an ex-lover to masturbate to is NOT acceptable, and grounds for breaking up with him. He has got to take this seriously, and so do you. This does sound like an addiction, and he IS hurting himself by doing this, because he can not afford it! Also it controls his behaviour and he is in no condition to decide for himself what he wants and when, hence causing him to do stupid things like calling an ex.
Take this seriously and treat it as such.
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A
female
reader, YourDestiny11  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 Well if hes addicted which it sounds like he is then he needs some counseling. There is no way to know if he has stopped except to check his phone bill.
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