A
female
age
,
*woteMe
writes:I would like advice. I probably should note that it looks a little long compared to the other Dear Cupid's but a little background is necessary. I have been dating a man I met online for 3 months - he's a great guy. We are in a real relationship. We spend alot of time together, met his kids, it's all good. A few weeks ago I saw his profile active on the site we met. I had my profile taken off. I was upset so I talked to him about it. He understood and said he would take it off. I do trust him (I looked and I told him I would be looking) and I saw he had indeed taken himself off the site. A week later a friend who's a member on a different dating site was showing me her choices when I decided to type his user name in the "search by user name" although it was a different site...but I saw his profile!!...he used the same freakin name! I was shocked to see it. I let it sit a few days, I didn't say anything to him but I talked with him about it this weekend, explaining that if he wanted to keep a profile online, he should have told me so when we first talked about it (he agreed) and told him now I am questioning your trust... losing trust in someone is a problem. He understood - said he just likes to look; he compared it with...would I mind if he was looking at porn? (I wouldn't mind) and do I really think he has the time to meet women (I know he doesn't) but if it bothered me he would take it down. I looked today and saw that he didn't take it down but changed his Account Name! "Is he kidding" was my first thought - I did a custom search and he came up with 5 other men -that's when I saw his profile but with a different name! Can it be that he doesn't know that a profile can be found without knowing one's account name- Bottom line; he didn't do what he said-he lied to me. What's the deal here? Can he just want to look without me knowing about it (because he knows it upsets me even though he did try to spin it) or is he just plain dishonest? Should I bring it up-AGAIN? Do I just drop it or drop him? Is it obvious but I just don't want to see that he's not as crazy about me as he says?
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reader, rodent man  +, writes (5 February 2009):
This man seems to be playing games with you--if he is in love with you and the relationship is for real, he should have absolutely no problems at all in taking his profile off any site he was on.I met my gf online and have been seeing her for almost 4 months. We have a great relationship and i love her very very much. It is like a new start for me --one i didnt think i would ever have again. I took my profile off the site that we met, and when i was doing that she was also on the site and saw me on. She asked me about it and was upset and all i could do at the time was to assure her it was to delete everything and nothing sinister. I know she had problems believing that until i forwarded the deletion confirmation e-mail to her and even now we have a laugh about it. The point is that if he is into the relationship,he should have no problem losing the online dating voyeurism, and whatever flimsy excuses he gives you are irrelevant---if he cannot give it up, even knowing that it upsets you, then im afraid he is not for you?!!It will only get worse and i fear you will have to "dump" this one!Might seem strange coming from another man--but i cannot see this working if he will not give it up. The other point is even if he deos now give it up--have you lost the trust? Once that goes its a slippy slope---sorry but thats the way it is.Hope it works out for you and good luck
A
female
reader, KwoteMe +, writes (19 November 2008):
KwoteMe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst I want to thank the three ladies who took the time to read and respond. Not a keeper? warning bells? is basically a liar? Yikes. Okay, I hear you...I am sitting here a bit stunned...and sad. Thanks girls..I will be in touch..please look out for my next ? - I'm sure I'll have one...
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (19 November 2008):
 Well warning bells and red lights are flashing here. This chap wants to have his cake and eat it. You have discussed this with him twice. Both times he says he will do something about it and then you find he has been sneaky and tried to cover himself thinking you wouldn't find out. Whether this chap is actively looking or not he still is enjoying the attention that its giving him and presumably he enjoys the flirting. This is a bit like the man who hides his girlfriend in his mobile under a man's name. To my mind this is totally unacceptable. If you are mutually exclusive and he says you are he should immediately come off this site or any sites. I would be very annoyed and I am not sure if I could trust him again. If you love him then this is a difficult call but this is lying and once a liar always a liar and I really mean that. I don't think long term you would want to be involved with a man like this and this is an early inkling of trouble to come. You could ask him again to remove everything which he will say he will do but I would be forced to check and I am not sure if this is a healthy start for a long term relationship. The trust for the moment has gone and he is going to have to work very hard to build it up again which is something he is going to have to do if he wants you enough to make this relationship work. Have it out with him again, tell him you know what he has been doing, you won't be tricked again and judge your response on what he says. Don't hang on in there if he continues to be a liar.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (19 November 2008):
This guy you have been dating is basically a lier. He said he would take down your profile because it upset you. He pretended he was caring and considerate. He pretended he understood, but he obviosuly did not as he went and made another profile with a different name, hoping you woudlnt find out. He took advantage of your trust and probably didnt think you would search for him with a different name. But good on you for doing so! Your gut told you you coudlnt trust him, and it was right, you cant.
I think you shoudl take this as a early warning sign that he isnt very honest. Do you really want to be in a realtionship with someone like this? You both obviously has different views on what is ok and not ok in a realtionship and this isnt good. I think you're too good for him. Either dump him, or at the very least confront him about it. Whatever you do, dont just try to forget the problem without facing it- it wont go away.
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