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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. My bf has just broken his leg. He is coming to stay with me this weekend. I have never been through anything like this before and although my bf is the least needy person I have ever met, I am struggling to cope with him being so unwell. He has to walk with crutches and is in pain most of the time. It’s breaking my heart to see him like this. I have been invited to a friend’s b’day party tomorrow, it’s on from 4-11pm and I would like to go. He does not want to go, as although we have mutual friends, this is not one of them. Do you think it is selfish for me to go for a couple of hours? I’ve got to go out for a bit anyway to view some houses in the afternoon but it would mean leaving him on his own for a few hours. I don’t think he is going to like this. I have spoken to my mum and she thinks I’m being selfish and that I should stay with him. He is really down at the moment. However, most of my friends think I should go. I am totally torn and I don’t know what to do. Your thoughts please, but please don’t suggest he comes with me as honestly, he really does not want to, partly because it hurts him to even move.Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 You do sound stressed. This is such a tempest in a teapot.
You have spent all weekend together, could you not just let him respect his Tuesday engagement and see him on Friday ? And if the problem is that you can't handle a four days separation, ...well,if you are the one who has the problem, then you should provide a solution sacrifying YOUR habits ( skipping yoga class ) or convenience ( going there on Tuesday and meeting the dislikeable friend ).
As for trying for a baby, perhaps you should consider postponing it. First you need to feel more secure in this relationship and less hyper-reactive to any minor occurrence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK. Thanks kc and annalisa; good advice. I am stressed, and hormonal. It's taken it out of me him being ill an dwhen he asked me to cancel yoga i just thought he was taking the mick to be honest...anyway, i've apologised for overeacting and he seems OK. His parents visited him today so hopefully that was nice for him. x
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 I think you might be over-reacting a bit now, this is just a common little argument that all couples have and nothing to get worked up about.
He has not seen this friend in a while, and arranged for him to come round on Tuesday - he simply didnt want to mess his friend around changing plans when he hasnt seen him in a while. That is no biggie really is it?! If you hadnt seen a friend in a while, and then your boyfriend asked you to re-arrange, you would be a little pissed off because it is never nice to keep re-arranging plans as you feel you are messing them around. Especially when it is for your partner, because you see your partner all the time whereas if it is a friend you havent seen in a long time then you will just want to see them asap.
Its one night of the week we are talking about here, not that if you dont see him tomorrow then you wont see him for weeks - you will see him on Friday, that is not long to wait!
He even agreed to change his plans for you - he is allowed to be grumpy if he is having to re-arrange his plans. And bear in mind, most men dont understand yoga and cannot comprehend why it is important, so the comment about 'cant you just not go to yoga' is understandable from a man! To him, seeing his friend when agreed with the friend is more important than yoga, so try and see it from his point of view.
It sounds to me like you are stressed, he is down in the dumps - a catalyst for bickering and little rows like this. Try not to let things like this get to you, it is so minor and insignificant getting worked up about it is a waste of time. It might actually be a good idea to not see him until Friday - chill out on your own and have a bit of space. It will be hard for you looking after him with his broken leg and thinking about babies, especially with age being a factor in your case. So taking some time out for yourself may be no bad thing, and will be good for the pair of you. Waiting until Friday to see him is not very long at all, I'm sure you can manage having a few days apart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgh! Now he has really annoyed me. I'm at work and having spent all weekend with him and doing all I can for him, this has happened - I text him today, 'shall I come round tmro after work' and he said, 'you can, but my best friend will be here.' Me and this guy dont get on great so obviously I'm not going. I've also planned to go to the gym tonight and yoga on wednesday cos I feel stressed. He is busy thursday so the way i see it, the only day i can see him is tmro (until friday). So i said 'cant this friend come over wednesday instead, can you ask him to?' and he said 'no, i'm not doing that.' That really pissed me off so i told him he needs to as otherwise i wont be able to see him until friday. He agreed to this but he was really grumpy about it and was not happy at all. To be fair he hasnt seen this friend for about a month or so (i think) but still. He actually said, 'do you have to go to yoga?' This is the kind of s**t i get scared of. I know his leg is broken and maybe i am the one who needs to be selfless right now but it just cheeses me off that i go all out to help him and on top of that he expects me to reaarange my week but doesnt want to ask his friend to change his plans so i can go to yoga? This kind of stuff makes me feel that it is not a partnership at all. I know he is not thinking straight and he's in pain and on strong painkillers and also he hasnt seen this guy for a while. Why am i upset over this, am i over-reacting? I think i am stressed. We have been trying for a baby too recently and that has been stressing me out too. We cant even have sex at the moment. Am I being selfish and unreasonable to be upset over this?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 June 2011):
So glad to hear it worked out...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. It was so the right thing to do. When I left him on the Saturday to view the houses and to pop in to the party he said 'dont be long.' Bless! When I was at the party (which was so dull anyway),I just wanted to get back and be with him, and he kept thanking me for looking after him. I'm so glad I did, I feel really close to him and can see he is so grateful. it's bought us closer togther.
To be honest, he probably would do the same for me (certainly now anyway!) but maybe not as intensely as I did! Like I said, I had a break down in January and he came and spent time with me as much as he could cos I was having panic attacks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2011):
To the OP... I"m glad you are able to compromise... I know that if I was the partner on the couch... frequent contact via phone or text while you are out would help me... time drags so much when you are in pain and immobile....
And to the FEMALE Anonymous poster below who said:
"I share your doubt that he would cancel his plans to tend you. Especially for something that wasn't life threatening. Men generally aren't the nurturing types and in all my life I have yet to meet one who ever gave up his plans to tend a sick wife or girlfriend."
I am so sorry you have this POV. I am having some surgery this coming week... it's pretty major although the BF thinks it's minor since I am only in the hospital overnight but yet he still took TWO DAYS off of work and is driving nearly 100 miles to come take care of me.... plenty of men who love and cherish their partners make sacrifices.
Of course, making a sacrifice for someone should not depend on if they do it for you or not...
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (18 June 2011):
 Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you haven't come across men willing to sacrifice for their women. I've met many, and done so myself. I hope that changes for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey there,im op. Ive got two houses to view later and one is in the same road as the party. Ive decided to pop in briefly. He does need to come first,this is how love behaves,and to be fair,when I had my breakdown,he was by my side. His leg is serious,it is swollen with internal bleeding and at the hospital they are concerned about dvt and infection. I can tell he feels vulnerable and he keeps thanking me for looking after him. Thing is,i want to. Thanks for the replies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): There is nothing wrong with you going to the party and leaving early if that makes you feel better.
As wonderful and independent as your boyfriend may be, I share your doubt that he would cancel his plans to tend you. Especially for something that wasn't life threatening. Men generally aren't the nurturing types and in all my life I have yet to meet one who ever gave up his plans to tend a sick wife or girlfriend. Not one and in some of those cases the wife was seriously ill.
I'm concerned about the precedent you'd be setting. If you start making these kinds of sacrifices this early on, your boyfriend will come to expect it in the future. You can count on that. In fact he probably already is expecting it.
Without trying to sound insensitive, he has a broken leg. He isn't dying of cancer. He manages well enough when you're at work. He'll manage just fine for a couple of hours on his own. Help him get comfortable, leave some snacks, drinks and the tv remote handy and off you go. He'll still be there when you get back.
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (17 June 2011):
i'm writing this without the benefit of reading the previous responses, sorry if it is repetitive. I was in his situation a few years ago. I lived alone and I refused help from anyone, (because I'm a stubborn SOB and I was very secretly feeling sorry for myself for being in that situation with no one to take care of me.) That said, I had a female friend who would come over anyway and help me with things that were very difficult for me. I was so grateful to her for that and it made my life so much easier. I did feel badly that she was going out of her way to help me, but I was so much better off that she did.I tell this story because it might help you to know that it is absolutely miserable to get up off the couch and walk across the house simply because you want a drink of water. If he *just* broke his leg, he could use nursing. He WILL survive without you, but he will NEVER forget the gesture if you stay home and take care of him. It really is an act of love to be there for someone in their time of need. It's sacrifice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): It's up to you. If you think he's worth staying home for, then do it. If not then go to the bday! It's REALLY that simple. Just make sure in all cases that you'd treat him the way you'd like him to treat you if things were the opposite.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 June 2011):
Well show him what committment is then, and hopefully, if you do ever get ill one day, then he will remember what you have done for him and he will return the favour. Just because you think he might act a certain way does not mean you should do the same.
Staying at home with him is the right thing to do, regardless of how you think he would act in such a situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Hi sweetness,
I think it's very selfish of HIM to come and visit you at his current situation, putting all of his burden totally onto you and your life! He sounds less independent to me than what you described. He should have shown more care and stayed where he is!
You shall go to the birthday of course. It's only a couple of hours and he needs to understand that you have a 'life'!
You are a young beautiful princess, and he has to understand and 'accept' that! If he can't then you should move on and be with someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Best luck. xxx
Emily
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi. okay, maybe not going is the option. I have become much more independent since being with him as he is so independent and also, i have to be honest, if it was me that was ill, i think he would probably go to the party!
But yes, i am committed to him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
I broke my leg once. badly. I was in terrible pain and my caretaker went out to get my pain meds. she got tied up and was gone over 2 hours... she came home and found me on the couch in such pain I could barely speak. I cried for days I was so distraught. I was over 40 when this happened.
Bone pain is so very debilitating as to be incapacitating.
have you asked your BF how he feels about it?
Personally, if he is still in pain from just moving... I'd vote for you not going if you are committed to this man.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 June 2011):
I dont think you should go - your friend will have another birthday next year, and you can make it up to her by taking her out or something in a few days time.
Your boyfriend is coming to visit you, he is making the effort to see you and visit you despite the pain he will be in coming to your house, so it is only right that you spend as much time with him as you can and only leave him alone if totally neccessary. Otherwise there would have been no point in him coming to visit if he is just going to sit alone in a house for hours.
Hopefully he will never break his leg or any other bone again, so this is a one off and he needs you, this is the time for you to be there for him and support him. Birthdays happen every year, whereas your boyfriend needs you now.
Definitely dont go, it would be wrong if you did go and it would hurt your boyfriend.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Honest answer - yes, I do think it's selfish for you to go. There are some things you just have to do as a partner, and waiting on your significant other when they are in pain and distress is one of them. If you were absolutely obliged to go to this party for work reasons, fair enough, but the fact that you simply just want to go isn't good enough.
It would be different if this were a long term situation, but honestly - how would you feel if the situation were reversed? You would want him to stay with you, and comfort you with good spirits and fun and laughter. Do as you would be done by (and that doesn't mean 'stay at home sulking that you can't go out!')
Plan a nice evening in together, with some wine and a movie, that you can BOTH enjoy!
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