A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband doesn't satisfy me in bed. He is very quick at intercourse, he rarely if ever performs oral sex, and when he has done so only manages to last at it for less than a minute at best, just long enough to get me hot and horny. He does use his fingers on me, but its not often, and tends to be a bit rough.I have always tried to be generous and giving to him. Giving him BJ's regualrly, massages, sex whenever he has wanted it, even anal.But I think I have simply become a vessel for his orgasm, and worse still I have allowed it. I have spoken to him about it several times. But I have done so in a gentle, considerate way, as not to hurt his feelings. The reality is now setting in however, that he is actually a selfish lover, despite the fact he is a good and kind man out of the bed.I go months without climaxing with him and sex leaves me horribly frustrated.It doesn't seem to even bother him that I may go months without having an orgasm with him.On the weekend he made a suggestion that I simply take to long, that 1/2 an hour to orgasm was just to long. But I find that its getting harder for me to orgasm now, because whenever we are together I know he will not work on my needs for long and I try to force myself to get there fast. I feel that I am just a vessel for him to use. I no longer want to have sex with him. I love him dearly, but I simply can't bare the frustration anymore.How do I make him realise how serious this is for me? Is it simply a matter of denying him as he is denying me? I don't want to be blunt and hurt his ego, because I feel that will make things worse rather than better. But I feel like I am at breaking point, I dread 50 years of an unsatisfying sex life.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.A Frustated Wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): Hey, I am yet another wifey in the same boat. I have been married 2 years, together for 6 years and in all that time I have never orgasmed at all. My hubby has only ever slept with one other woman before me met me and will not talk about sex and my needs at all. He is in and out before I know it and he's fast asleep. Foreplay - whats that? I can't remember. I used to accomodate him because he was satisfied but when he started only wanting to do it in the mornings because he had 5 mins before he had to get up and didn't care about my needs at all it began to feel like a chore.Needless to say, I have stopped having sex altogether because it feels like more trouble than its worth, especially for me. He gets his rocks off in less than a minute and I get to lie there feeling used.It has bothered me immensely because he will not talk about and blames me. We would like children but you have to have sex apparently!! I am at a loss too because I have now become very self conscious and shy when it comes to sex altogether. I even get changed in another room because I am embarassed about it all.Unfortunately I can't help you with your problem because I am in a similar situation but I hope you feel a little better knowing that you aren't the only one!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): 5 min even 5hrs should not be an issue just enjoy your partner
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Hold your horses! I am sorry but you don't have to endure frustration just to ensure that his ego is not dented. Wake up young lady.
You are in danger of turning your bedroom and sex life into a battlefield, a mistake which seems to be made by an alarming number of couples.
It should never be about how much you give, compared to how much you receive. It should never be tit-for-tat when it comes to sex. It's all about pleasure, his and yours, and you simply have to tell him that due to his selfishness, he is not ringing your bell.
Let him know there is no mutual pleasure, that he has to change the way he treats you sexually, and be as honest as possible.
The thing is, you can't tell him when he is just about to jump on top, you have to tell him while you're out, or at breakfast, or while he is watching sport on TV, and you have to be polite but blunt.
Lots of men think they are the worlds best lover, and yes, the knowledge that he is not a champion stud will dent his ego, but if he's half a man, he will address the sexual needs of his wife.
If he doesn't, tell him how you have to masturbate to have an orgasm and maybe offer a few 'watch and learn' moments.
And, do not give in to his fragile maleness. Sex should be all about pleasure, not frustration.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): "that 1/2 an hour to orgasm was just to long."My wife used to think that 15 minutes was to long, and hence she never had orgasms, with me or anyone before me. I was a bit frustrated that she wanted to get it over with so quickly.1/2 hour to 45 minutes is just the foreplay to the 2 minutes that makes it worthwhile.He's rather ignorant about what sex is supposed to be, and what he should be doing, and needs an education.Is he willing to get that education?Get some books on female orgasm and sexual activity.Let him know that you need him to work with you, that this isn't a "lack" on his part, but that you need to learn your body better and how to show him what you want and need.If he isn't willing, get a counselor, because this will head nowhere good fast as the kids get older. You will meet someone, who will smile, and let you know that they will take all the time in the world, and the marriage will be over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): from a mans point me view. Every woman i have been is so different in what please them. I personaly like to be told what to do. How a different women like to be pleased. Plus it turns me on to and even more so when you are doing it right and getting the women to cum. It also reduces the pressure of penertration performance. Tell him what you like. Stimulate your clit your self during penertration. After all you know your body best. Good luck hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Hey,
We've been married for 3 years, together for almost 6. Our sex life was always more about me giving, him receiving. I would say, he's a great receiver, lousy giver! I was happy knowing I made him happy though, if that makes any sense. And it was enough having intercourse.
We had a baby some 2 years ago and since then intercourse has not been the same for me, I haven't been able to orgasm that way. Maybe if he lasted alittle longer, perhaps. So you could say, in 2 years I've had maybe a handful of orgasms, mainly because I've spoken to him about it and he felt obliged to use his fingers to bring me to orgasm. Normally, once he cums, he rolls over and goes to sleep.
We have sex once a week, and maybe once a month now he will devote some time to me, but if I take more than 10 minutes, he either falls asleep or gives up.
I feel so bad about myself, so self conscious and undesirable. Like there must be something wrong with me.I keep myself waxed, clean, fit and healthy. But he never seems interested in oral. He's just not that into it. But has an uncanny act of talking dirty to me, and telling me he's "gonna lick me later" etc etc....bazaar! Like it's ok to talk about it, thats a turn on, but doing it is a whole different ball game. But on the very rare occasion he will, and it last like 30 seconds, then he's up and out, trying to penetrate me, like the idea is just to get me turned on, not satisfied.
Ahhrrg its doing my head in.
How do I live a life with no orgasms from intercourse, no oral and just a quick monthly hand job if I'm lucky? I have a high libido, and its just killing me. Sure,masterbation helps, but only gets you so far. I want more.
I simply don't want to have sex with him anymore. It just upsets me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Blimey, his attitude is clearly not supportive or loving, and I'm not surprised you feel miffed. 30 minutes is by no means 'too long' for an orgasm. Plenty of women take that long... or longer! As you know, the more he makes you feel under pressure to climax, the more difficult it will be to reach that moment.
I don't think the answer is to 'deny him as he is denying me'. You need to confront this completely honestly and openly. The fact is, you've tried to do so in a way that spares his feelings... and everything you've said has been ignored. I'm not saying that you should deliberately set out to hurt him, but clearly your approach so far has not got his attention. Time for some tougher talking, I think!
He's being selfish. You need to raise this and make a deal that orgasms work on a 1 for 1 basis - that if sex starts, it doesn't stop until BOTH of you are satisfied. He can hardly object to that in all fairness - it's simply equal! If he doesn't begin to work on your needs after he has orgasmed, I suggest that you ask him, point blank, for attention (something simple like 'I want more' will do it). If he still refuses... well, I'm sorry, but I think you have to consider whether you really want to be with someone who pays such scant heed to your needs.
At the same time, I suggest that you give him some help. Perhaps introduce some toys into your sex life, that he can use on you to supplement his poor technique. Perhaps by learning a bit more about how your body works, he will improve! You CAN teach an old dog new tricks sometimes, but he has to be willing to learn.
Good luck!
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