A
female
age
36-40,
*ixieGwen
writes:So Im thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend. He's got alot of great qualities - we have a blast hanging out, he makes me laugh and i can see a future with him.He constantly talks about us being married, living together, kids etc. The only thing there a few things that bother me. He seems a bit selfish and sometimes i feel like im the only one in this relationship. Ive invited him to bbqs a few times consisting of friends/family.. anytime i try to plan with him he gives me half ass answers - "maybe, we'll see, probably, I dunno" But it seems when HE has something going on (A fight on tv or a game) he'll know for sure that hes doing that and makes no other plans but that. Today i invited him to a bq for the wknd and he said we'll see so i said Nevermind dont worry about it and he quickly sent me a txt saying "what time is it at" and so i talked to him on the phone and he later said that he'd probably go.Our sex life is minimal - we have sex once a week if anything.He loves to talk and cuddle with me ..but when sex comes around he claims hes not feeling well, too tired and when i asked him what the deal was he says he feels unnattractive - fat and balding.Ive told him hes sexy..ive even told him we dont have to have sex..ill just give him a blow job and he wont want it..instead he'll want me to hold him or cuddle for the night. He promised we'd have sex more but i have yet to see it..seeing his self esteem issue hasnt changed (he doesnt work out and he still says hes fat etc).When we have sex, its great and he says he loves having sex with me, im great in bed and he constantly flirts with me but its still frustrating. He calls daily to say hi n what not which is great and I love him and he loves me - weve been going out for 5 mo..about to be 6 mo.I recently talked to his roommate and she said hes been screwed over alot in relationships and has trouble knowing how to have a relationship. It seems to me he likes being a loner and seems to get shy when he says loving things..like embarassed or something.(FYI him and his roommate have never had anything going on)Ive tried to break up with him and he automatically starts saying he loves me and things will get better, for me to bear with him and doesnt wanna break up..but i dunno what to do.. i dont want to marry someone who has sex with me once a week.. who wont come out w/ me and be social. I was married to someone like that and the guy didnt love me. So i dont want a repeat of that but i see my bf as being someone i can marry.. i just feel hes afraid ill hurt him or doesnt want to put in the 100 because hes afraid he'll look stupid. I dunno.. i could be wrong.. i just dont know what to do.. i dont really want to break up.. but im not sure what else to do. Ive tried to talk to him and hes mr avoidance..its like he hopes things will just smooth over or automatically disappear.
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blow-job, flirt, roommate, self esteem, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (10 February 2011):
 LOL guys always hold stuff hostage, they are silly creatures sometimes. Well I hope when you actually sit down and talk to him, you can come to some type of understanding. Seems like he loves you as much as you love him or he would have given you back your things with no problem. As far as him feeling unattractive--let him know that you think he's attractive to you.. and thats all that matters :)
A
female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (10 February 2011):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the question As for the bbqs n stuff.. hes a foodie as am i ..so hes always down for some good food and beer..which is why it angers me about him seeming so whatever bout hanging out
seems hed be more down for it..
today he asked if i miss him.. i said yeah and i mentioned that i only see him once a wk so of course and he responds with "youll be ok" (he jokingly said it) but i was serious.
& later i asked him for some of my stuff..mainly because i never use any of it over there...so i wanted it back( i explained that).. he automatically thought i was going to break up w/ him and i guess it bothered him..cos hes holding my stuff hostage and 2 he txted me a few hrs later saying "sigh" i said whats wrong and he said "i dunno" so i called and he wouldnt tell me..he said nothing was wrong and then changed the sub by asking me what im doing.. i said that we need to communicate more..cos he never wants to share..
so i didnt press it..and after we hung up i sent a txt saying "communication is key..if we cant communicate whats the point? see u later tonight"
I was going to sit him down tonight and tell him whats bothering me.. we need to see each other more..if he wants to make this work..
i definitely dont want to end this..hes sucha great guy..but its soo hard because i feel he just wants to smooth it over..and not listen.. he claims us having sex/seeing each other more would happen and it hasnt.. but i def know he doesnt want to break up.
i guess ill talk to him tonight or tomorrow..and try to talk about it in a simple/nice way and see what happens..
thanks for all your replies.. they really helped.. and i will def try to be more patient.. because i do love him :)
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Sounds like you are trying to mould him into the perfect guy for you. He is obviously struggling with self esteem and confidence. It's still early days into your relationship as well. what i would suggest is go a bit further down the line. Don't make sex a big issue or he will go into himself more. Get hm involved in some activities so that he can shape up a bit or go to the gym with him. Relationships take time to grow and you need to be more patient. By the way some men just don't like doing bbq's and parties.
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
If you enjoy spending time with him and you love him, the first step is talking to him about it. Possibly even going to a counselor together. Don't end something you might regret. But also.. relationships are a give and take, both involved need to realize that. If he's not willing to work on things..I would walk away before you get any more attatched. Also--for only being together for 5 months.. your sex life should be awesome, I wonder if he feels insecure with himself?
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A
female
reader, lil212 +, writes (9 February 2011):
Hello
It seems this guy does love you, I think with the sex thing, I know how frustrating it can be! I have been there! He seems to have confidance issues, instead of talking about it all the time (he probably gets more nervous when it comes to it) have you tried telling him how good he is at stuff ie with his hands and turning it round to make him feel manly and good about himself? Tell him how much you enjoy it when he does certain things, it may boost his confidance a bit x
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A
female
reader, Halieey +, writes (9 February 2011):
It human nature the more we are given the more we will take. It boils down to balance. If you are willing to give in to him an his wants and he doesn't do the same it's down to you to pull away for him to move closer to you (as long as you are clear he loves you). If you fear you will loose him by you pulling away until he gives back you will loose him one way or another. Imagion you have a line dividing the two of you and you are stepping over this line to help him he won't come over to you and cross this line so long as you are the one doing maintaining the relationship. Pull yourself back to your side and stay there doing for yourself while you make suggestions he comes to you whether it's going to yours or making efforts to have sex more often. You will start to shake his secure feeling he has in the relationship. He will have no choice but to make efforts to come half way at least otherwise he is left on his own so-to-speak. If he loves you and wants the relationship he will start to make the efforts you want. The trick is you must not give way to doing and pleasing while you are being deprived of his efforts to please you. Stand your ground, maintain your pleasant personality while you tell him directly what you expect from him. He will change his selfish ways if he truely loves you. Be strong and secure in who you are as yo have the right to expect everyhthing you want in a loving relationship. I've learned this the hard way and it always works so long as there is genuine love between the both of you. The very best of luck!
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