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My boyfriend can't come through intercourse!

Tagged as: Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 August 2013) 8 Answers - (Newest, 25 August 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been with my boyfriend for about nine months and for the most part I couldn't be happier - he's kind, caring, trustworthy, funny and smart, and I think he's gorgeous.

But there's something missing: vaginal Iintercourse is rare and brief. It's certainly not a matter of premature ejaculation and he doesn't usually have much trouble 'keeping it up', but he says he can't come through intercourse.

He says he finds me sexy, and he wants to play with me intimately more often than I can logistically accommodate (although luckily he's very good with his hands). It's a bit one-sided though and more often than not he doesn't want anything in return. When things go further than that, he'll let me touch him (hand and/or oral stimulation), but I virtually have to beg for full sex. When it does happen, it's always from behind (although he knows it feels better for me in good old missionary and that I love the feeling of connection with him that I get from being able to see and hold him while we make love), and he'll withdraw after about 30 seconds to a minute. He then reaches climax either by touching himself or through me giving him a handjob. He says he loves oral sex but even that takes a lot longer than it did with guys I've been with before him. We have also had anal sex a few times but he's never come through that either.

We're not afraid to try new things in the bedroom and often engage in bondage activities, but I'm often the only one who achieves orgasm when we engage in such activities. I'm normally the sub, so that's not overly surprising, but it has crossed my mind that it could be an excuse to avoid full/'normal' sex.

I need to know why he has this problem! I have tried talking to him a couple of times but he just says that me mentioning it just exacerbates the problem. When he is inside me it feels amazing and I've certainly made that known, so he has no cause for a lack of confidence there. He says he doesn't masturbate that often, although regardless of that, our problem means that whenever he does come it's invariably through a handjob. I don't think he's very confident about his body (he has a really tiny frame) but he knows I find him extremely attractive - I must tell him how gorgeous he is and how much I love him every day. I am a lot more sexually experienced than him and I'm not sure whether that bothers him. He has admitted to kissing a man once many years ago but is adamant that he didn't really enjoy it and he's definitely not gay. Using condoms doesn't help in terms of sensation but he wants to continue using a barrier method of contraception until we've been together for a year (I carry the herpes virus and I think he just wants to be sure that we'll stay the course before taking any risk of the virus being transmitted to him, despite the low risk of infection when no outbreak is occurring); I have no problem with that. We're both out of work at the moment so I wondered whether that may affect his performance?

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't want to have sex with me at all and I feel very hurt and upset about that. Pretty sure me crying about it isn't going to do much to turn him on. Any advice you can offer about why the problem might be and how we might be able to resolve it would be gratefully received! Thanks in anticipation.

View related questions: anal sex, condom, confidence, ejaculation, hand-job, herpes, kissing, oral sex, orgasm, vagina

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013):

Thanks for the comments and advice! Still a work in progress but we'll see how we go.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (17 August 2013):

Yos agony auntThere could be medical reasons, or psychological ones. It could also be because he's been desensitised due to a lot of masturbation, especially to porn. For considering the last possibility, this is some information about it:

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A male reader, MikeEa1 Australia +, writes (17 August 2013):

MikeEa1 agony auntI have the same problem and my girlfriend is unhappy about it, me too if truth be known. I only got like this a few years ago and I'm definitely not gay. I had a motorcycle accident a few years ago and that might be an issue. I had a big wack to the testicles. Time and again I've put it down to low sex drive but it's not sex drive as I get an erection all the time. It's maybe a physiological problem and maybe I should see a urologist or some other specialist. I hope this sharing helps.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (17 August 2013):

DoubleM agony auntIn my opinion, that's rather unusual for a man (presumably) in his age range. It may be due to excessive masturbation either currently or in the past. The aforementioned possibility of medication is also something to investigate, if applicable. Either way, something sounds amiss.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013):

I bet it is a psychological problem or he is afraid of contracting the virus.

If it's a psychological it's probably down to him never ejaculating during intercourse. The sensation of masturbating, oral and intercourse are all different. He is probably finding intercourse not very satisfying even though he wants to hence he is not climaxing and needs to be 'finished off' some other way.

The best thing to do is STOP masturbating and just have intercourse. If you somehow let him know that having intercourse doesn't have to mean he has to 'come' that means there is less pressure on him to do so, and one time he will. Once he has he'll realise it's a great feeling and you'll have trouble with him wanting more and more. Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013):

Is he on any sort of medication? My boyfriend is on anti-depressants which have side effects like lower sex drive/ make it harder to come.

Don't take it personally - if he's still all over you I certainly wouldn't take it as being that he just doesn't want to have sex with you/ anything that should hurt your feelings.

Perhaps also he might be subconsciously worried about contracting herpes from you even though you use condoms?

Communication is key - just sit down with him and have a mature conversation about it. Good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013):

"He has admitted to kissing a man once many years ago but is adamant that he didn't really enjoy it and he's definitely not gay."

I hate to say it but from what you have said it is a bit suspect as this sounds like how I was when I thought I was bi sexual, turned out I preferred men. I was very adamant that I wasn't and defensive about it. Everyone is different of course but it sounds exactly how I was, don't get me wrong I did love my girlfriend but their was always something missing for me and although it felt amazing being inside my girlfriend it wasn't what I really wanted

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013):

I'm very curious 2 hear the feedback u get as I experience the exact same thing with my guy! It's like you're talking about my boyfriend!!!

Anyone have an answer for us?

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