A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been dating since last august. I noticed that about a few months ago, he started to take his stress out on me in a very hurtful way. Basically whenever he is stressed out, he is just not very loving and is rude to me. He ALWAYS apologizes after and says he does not know why he does that and needs to fix it but then it happens again. A prime example is this past weekend. He was picking me up in Chicago from a restaurant on our way back back home and there was a lot of traffic. He's not from there and neither am I. I waited out front of the restaurant but instead he told me that he was by Saks fifth ave, which me not being from there had NO idea where that was so while on the phone with him I started asking around. immediately he starts yelling at me on the phone to hurry up even though I was trying my fastest to get to him. He starts yelling at me making the situation 20x more stressful. Anyways, while trying to get to him because he kept moving from where he said he was, he called me useless and said something about having to get my bitch ass. I understand driving in the city can be stressful and due to traffic it took him 1.5 hrs to get to me but i was so hurt. I started crying and when i got in the car, he said nothing and finally said another rude remark. After about an hr in the car, he did his standard move. He pulled over and sincerely apologized and told me of course he doesnt think im useless and that he was stressed and he feels terrible and he tried to genuinely make up with me. I can tell he really doesnt want to be rude when he's stressed and he hates that he does that. The thing is, this behavior keeps happening and it's painful. I told him that exact thing that it keeps happening and it really hurts me, that i deserve better than that, and that i dont know if its going to get better. he just felt awful and told me he doesnt know why he does that and wants to work on it.but i just don't know what to do. i love him and can be so incredibly happy with him, but he also can make me feel like shit when he is rude to me when he is stressed. so do i leave or what do i do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Abuse of any kind is not acceptable. Believe me I have been
where you are and I am still dealing with that, but you stay
strong and defend yourself. I will always stand up for myself if someone is disrespecting me in that way. I have had days
where my stress was unbearable, but I calmed myself and never yelled at anyone around me because I knew it was wrong and hurtful. I agree with Honeypie, you don't want it to escalate into physical abuse. Stay safe.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 October 2013):
 You write: "Basically whenever he is stressed out, he is just not very loving and is rude to me."
I suggest that you remove the "Basically whenever he is stressed out..." from this, and figure out that your "B/F" is just plain rude to you..... Why put up with that? .... AND give him a "pass" by blaming it on stress?????
You can find a better B/F, I assure you...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2013):
 if it's painful and you deserve better (which you do) but he won't or can't change based on just your wanting him to, then as a woman married to a man who does this regularly my only advice is to explain with your feet what his behavior causes... you need to walk away from his abuse.
it is btw abuse. just because there are no external bruises does not mean it's not abuse. just because he apologizes does not mean it is not abuse.
and yes they are correct you can talk to him till you are blue in the face but unless he gets therapy and makes changes this will not change and he will continue to abuse you as long as you allow it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): This is not so good. my husband has had the exact problem. when he is tired/stressed/hungry, he would just be rude and impatient. i used to get hurt and he would spoil my whole day. eventually, i told myself i would not let myself get affected with his rudeness, so the last time he did that i had asked him to take me some place. i told him he was raising his voice on me, and that made me uncoomfortable. i also mentioned that if he was feeling stressed, he could go home and relax whilst i find an alternative of who should take me as it was going to be a long and bad journey to have him in a foul mood and yelling at me. he insisted he would drive me, was quiet for a while and stoped the yelling and became soft. what he does now when he is stressed is mention to me and keep to himself. ( better than the yelling)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 October 2013):
 I'm with Abella,
There is no excuse for it. Being stressed can make people have a shorter fuse, but if this is his standard MO, then this will continue and perhaps even escalate.
What kind of help has he sought out to "fix" it? Nothing right?
He says EXACTLY what he thinks you want to hear. He blows up, apologizes and thinks everything is fine. Then he does a little song and dance about how bad he feels about it and that he needs help. HONEY, you can't FIX it. Love doesn't make this behavior go away.
Sorry, unless you want to continue this cycle you need to walk away. OR he needs to get help. Not just say he wants to get help.
Since I am sure you won't walk away from the relationship, maybe you need to change tactics. And simply tell him (next time he goes off on you) that that is the end of the conversation. Hang up or walk away. WHY STAND there and take the abuse? My only fear is no matter what you do, this can escalate into physical abuse.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 October 2013):
 Yes he apologized but that was well after he had abused you.
That's a fail in my book.
If he is stressed then encourage him to get some support and counselling for it. Don't allow him to foist all his anger on you.
What he did was Completely unacceptable and disrespectful of him in every way. That was not the behaviour of a gentleman. It was abuse.
Start as you mean to go on. And if abuse is there. Be assertive, not aggressive.
So tell him calmly:
This is the issue for me - when you .............(what he did) such as speak to me in an impatient and disrespectful and rude manner ...
This is how it makes me feel (your words)..... more stressed, humiliated... whatever words are appropriate
And as a result this is how I would prefer .......(how you expect him to behave next time)......such as not use that abusive and rude tone when you speak to me and not .......(whatever are your expectations for the future.
The outcome being that no boyfriend is worth it if you are subjected to abuse in any way.
This way your expectations are clear.
Your standards have been spelled out.
And IF he chooses to ignore your request to cease the abusive talk and tone then your next step is NOT to threaten to leave the relationship.
Instead your next step should be to LEAVE the relationship.
If he complains then all you need to remind him (after you have left him) that you did spell out your expectations and he chose to ignore your very reasonable expectations.
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