A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months now. A while back, he pulled the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you card" but that very same night he showed up at my house in tears about the mistake he had made admitting that he was in love with me but he panicked because he'd never had a real relationship before. Things were fine until the idea of sex came along. He wanted to have sex with me but always became too afraid. He started associating this idea with the same idea before-that maybe he saw me more as a friend. He said that intimacy was the only thing seperating a friendship from a relationship-which is odd because we ARE intimate in aspects-we've done everything BUT had sex. To put it bluntly, he can be paranoid over little things. Last week, I fell into a deep depressive episode (not because of him-I suffer from clinical depression) I had been going through it for a few weeks and coincidentally, on a day I was feeling rather suicidal to begin with, he decided that he was uncertain and that the best route might just to be friends. I agreed because quite frankly, my depressive episode made me indifferent to the idea. Later that night, I started writing a note with suicidal intentions before smartly thinking twice and calling some people up. Nobody answered, so inevitably, I called him last. At first he was just being the same ol' considerate guy I know and trying to relax me and offer reasonings but they were getting me nowhere. He offered to come over, but I really didn't want him over...which didn't matter because he randomly showed up anyway. At that point, he hit yet ANOTHER "realization" that he was still very indeed in love with me and the thought of losing me forever devastated him. I was hesitant to even listen at first, but he just told me he had never been more certain of how he felt than at that moment. He then took my hand and asked me to marry him. Out of shock and panic, and because I DO love him, I said yeah. We've had many talks since then but part of me is still afraid he'll pull this again...and that maybe he proposed out of panic or fear. He keeps making promises that he's 100% certain now that he can't live without me and such and wants to make me happy. Should I agree to marry him? And NOW he's asking me to quit my job so that he can help me find a better one, and he'll pay for everything (including my college education) until I find one. His randomness makes me uncertain and I'm not sure what I should do in this situation at all? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): See, the thing of it is, is that he DOES have the funds to help with my last year of college. I only pay around 352/a month and he makes WELL over that. The problem I have with it is that I'm not sure I want to have to depend on him..I'm not sure if I CAN if he may become indecisive again. And worse than that, even if we ever did split up, he'd still be willing to pay because that's just the kind of person he is and I'd feel horrible if he did. That aside, his main plan is to help me find a job and support me only if I need it. But still...
As far as the marriage thing...yeah I should probably have a talk with him about it..make sure he isn't going to flake out again in the next three months. If he wants to really be with me, then he won't mind putting things off for a year right?
(and yes, I posted the question but i don't have an account)
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (6 May 2008):
This guy does seem a little spaced out and to tell you to quit your job so he can fund thousands of pounds worth of uni seems a little bit unbelievable.
Tell him you want to slow things down as you want to be sure of his feelings. Tell him you are not going to quit your job but will help contribute to a savings fund for a year if he is serious about putting you through further education. He can always help you apply for other jobs in the mean time.
I would follow your gut instinct and stick as you are for a while until he has proved he knows what he's doing. He sounds far too unreliable to take risks over just yet.
Good Luck!! xx
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